Republican for Dummies: A Translation Guide to Right-Wing Talking Points

Republicans rarely mean what they say.

Image from Neil Obermeyer / Lincoln Journal Star

Here’s a translation guide in case you don’t speak Republican:

What Republicans Say:

What Republicans Mean:

We believe in building a more prosperous America and in the concept of trickle-down economics. We believe in allowing the richest 1% of Americans to manipulate the tax code and judicial rulings in their favor so that they can grow wealthier.


We know increased profits don’t lead to job creation, but our attitude is “So What! Survival of the Fittest.”

Corporations are people. While this is obviously a false statement (it’s like saying trees are birds), shielding corporations with Constitutional rights granted to people lets them hide in the shadows while they game the system – and buy elections.
I will do everything within my power to make Barack Obama a one-term president. It’s really getting to be a drag the way Obama is trying to protect the middle class from steep cuts to health programs and education. It’s us or them.


We need to make entitlement cuts in order to keep the Bush-era tax cuts for the wealthiest 1% (which, through next year, will have cost the nation more than double the sum of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.) It will be much easier to eliminate Medicare and preserve tax breaks for the rich with a Republican in the White House.

Raising the debt ceiling is irresponsible fiscal policy and it writes Obama a blank check. The best way to gut social services and cut big government off at the knees is by triggering a default – or at least taking it hostage. The money will run out and the cuts will come.


Moreover, some voters will be easily fooled into blaming the credit downgrade on the sitting President – and not the GOP no-compromise brinksmanship which actually caused it.Congress has to approve spending allocations so there’s no “blank check” (Listen up, Bachmann.) But since wiser lawmakers did vote to raise the debt limit in August, we’re stuck paying on our existing debt, funding departments like the FDA, and mailing Social Security and veterans’ checks – at least for the time being.

We want to preserve Medicare for future generations. We want to ensure that the wealthy and their heirs can benefit from more tax breaks, now and in future generations.To adjust for decreased revenue we’ll have to cut government spending, so we’ll pick-pocket from seniors’ Medicare benefits to make our cushy financial cushion.


We’ll start by giving seniors a $6,000 voucher to buy private insurance, which is enough to cover the yearly premium for a healthy 40-year-old in 2011, and then eventually wean them offthat crutch.

We will not accept any tax hikes on job creators or the American People – for any reason. All high-income earners are automatically job creators, it doesn’t matter if the companies they own are cutting jobs as profits increase, or if they’re outsourcing jobs rather than employing Americans.


Let’s pretend that the statutory tax rate is what corporations pay and ignore that our effective corporate tax rate (25.2% in 2004 before stimulus cuts) is lower than corporate rates in countries like Germany, Canada, India, China, Brazil, Japan and Italy. As long as we focus on the “job creator” talking point, most of America won’t check our math – or call our bluff that tax reform will cause more businesses to move abroad.

Obama’s idea of a balanced budget will bankrupt America. The Republican idea of balance is when the rich and powerful pursue a life of luxury while their employees labor for stagnant wages and decreasing benefits.


The rich of this nation shall not continue to open their pocketbooks to help fund programs like nutrition assistance for low-income women and children, children’s health insurance programs, Medicaid, Medicare, public schools, and health and retirement benefits for public workers.We can just cut that stuff. It’s not important.

Democrats are trying to corrupt our fair election process. Voter fraud is rampant and we must enact restrictive voting laws to stop Democrats from stealing the election. We heard that an analysis of all 250 claims of voter fraud alleged in the SCOTUS photo ID case (Crawford v. Marion County Election Board) found absolutely no proven cases of fraudulent votes that could be prevented by restrictive ID laws. (Meanwhile, no one’s paying attention to the proof that we stole the 2004 election.)


We’re coordinating a Jim Crow-type voter suppression effort to disenfranchise youth, elderly, disabled and minority voters. We hope to achieve a drop-off in legitimate Democratic voters that will add 3% to the Republican vote. While unethical, voter ID laws will help us to beat tight spreads in precinct after precinct on election night.

Gay people receiving the same recognition, protection and benefits as you and your spouse threatens your marriage – and endangers your children. What other people do in their relationship doesn’t impact your own relationship, and openly gay adults won’t turn your children gay if they weren’t already born gay.


But since being gay is openly stigmatized (like being black once was) we use anti-gay rhetoric to rally the conservative base. The longer Republican voters are ignorant of the fact that being gay is okay, the more often they’ll vote Republicans at the polls.

Obama is the reason unemployment is surging above 9%. We’re driving job losses in the public sector with GOP-backed budget cuts on federal and state levels. Meanwhile, the private sector is slowly but consistently adding jobs, more than 2 million in the past two years.


Also, we don’t regret that 2.4 million American jobs were outsourced from 1999-2009. Cheap labor is a big profit-booster.All that being said, blaming Obama for a weak jobs recovery is our best strategy for defeating him.

I am the most pro-life candidate. This is us rallying around another conservative flagpole that paradoxically takes a big-government, heavy-handed approach to personal family issues.


If I describe myself as the “most pro-life candidate” (like Rick Santorum or Tim Pawlenty), I want to ban abortion even in cases of child rape and incest.

I am against a government take over of health care and against death panels. The government shouldn’t advocate for consumers with health insurance companies or help keep premium costs low – those interventions restrain health industry profits.


I don’t believe health care is a right – it is a privilege for those who can afford it. I use false premises like “death panels” to manipulate people into voting the way I want.

Anything not listed above Vote for me on election day. If you’re too slow to figure out I’m lying to you, screw you. Survival of the fittest.


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Image from Neil Obermeyer / Lincoln Journal Star