Rick Perry looking like a giddy child

For those of you fortunate enough to miss tonite’s televised Republican debate, eight empty suits paraded in front of Brian Williams of MSNBC. Conspicuously absent was Sarah Palin, but perhaps such a massive amount of vapidity in a one confined space would’ve killed everyone and everything in attendance.

So what do we learn tonite about  the Republican presidential candidates we might not have known? Well, here’s an encapsulation of what was essentially a televised funeral for democracy.

1. The Macy’s Mormon Mannequin, Mitt Romney, denied that his former company Bain Capital (no seriously, that was its name. Google it, people.) killed off hard earn jobs.

2. Mittens did a fabulous job refuting his very own healthcare mandates he used as Governor of Massachusetts, which were later was used as a template for Obama’s Affordable Care Act; hence the awkward moment when Mitt debated Mitt.

3.It seems Romney’s Massachusetts was just as miserable of a place as Perry’s Texas with respects to quality of healthcare.

4. Newt Gingrich (yeah, he’s still in it) had a senior moment when he flipped out at the idea of Republican candidates being forced  to differentiate themselves. Apparently Brian Williams forgot that he was essentially talking to the same rich guys.

5. Mitt Romney and Rick Perry both squabbled over which candidate wishes to alienate the senior vote the most with talks of gutting social security. At one point, their fabulous hair appeared to be the only two authentic things they had in common.

6. Mittens believes in unsustainable energy the most, and Bachmann is still clueless on the reasons behind $2 dollar gas. Seriously,she (or the alien inhabiting her brain) believes that the president of the United States must also mean the president of OPEC, president of speculators, and president of the intangibles of the world economy.

7. Ron Paul, ever the Libertarian purist, thinks cars, jets, and air control should be controlled by the invisible hand of the free market. Interestingly, the same man who perpetually complains  about everything under the sun with a scintilla of government interference, and who desires to legalize marijuana (youth vote, anyone?) and prostitution (slut vote, anyone?),  but yet wants the government to legislate morality when it comes to a woman’s right to choose, as enshrined in the Supreme Court Roe V. Wade decision.  And things got pretty exciting when Congressman Paul abruptly went on some Grandpa Simpson rant about a gallon of gas costing a silver dime. Not exactly sure what Dr. Paul meant, but it definitely made me re-evaluate my commitment to Moon-pie futures.

8. Herman Cain made it known that he doesn’t plan on offering falafel as a pizza topping anytime soon.

9. Jon Huntsman was barely audible but apparently speaks impeccable Mandarin, which will come in handy when Mitt Romney sells what’s left of America to the Chinese. Kudos to Huntsman for having the temerity for stating that you can’t “fly in the face of what 98 out of 100 climate scientists have said, when you call into question the science of evolution, all I’m saying is that, in order for the Republican Party to win, we can’t run from science.” Maybe he should have made this counter-argument in Mandarin, though.

10. Rick Perry went off-script when he accidentally praised Barack Obama for killing Osama Bin Laden, which naturally received a tepid reaction from the crowd. However, Perry quickly redeemed his far-right lunatic fringe bona fides when he responded to a question on global warming with “the science is not settled” sloganeering, then pointed out that “Just because you have a group of scientists who have stood up and said ‘Here’s the fact…’ Galileo got outvoted for a spell.” Apparently he must have been praying during the history lesson in which Galileo got outvoted by a group of people whose scientific methodology included the rotational properties of a swinging dead cat. He also must not have gotten the memo that tonite’s debate was for the person most qualified to represent 300 million people, not some fanatical church book club.

In sum,  the candidates chose to cherry-pick the ideas of Ronald Reagan they personally like, while flagrantly ignoring the stuff he did that doesn’t sit well with their corporate masters. You know, like his willingness to raise taxes and, hold your breath, work with Democrats to get legislation passed. After tonite, all of America will need some of Michele Bachmann’s migraine pills. And just think–there’s only one year and half left of this circus show until speculation on the 2016 race begins.

Michael is a Comedian/VO Artist/Columnist extraordinaire who guest blogged for Joe Biden, contributed to NY Times Laugh Lines, co-wrote an award-nominated political comedy, and has a column for MSNBC.com affiliate Cagle Media. Follow him on Twitter   and Facebook

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