If the Obama presidency has taught us anything, it’s that his most vocal critics–teabaggers and birthers– aren’t the most agreeable people. They sometimes don’t know what they believe in–or even why, but boy do they vigorously express that which they think Fox News wants them to believe in. Last nite’s steel cage match style debate only reaffirmed that assertion. Now, having political convictions and concerns for the sanctity of your country is noble, but not when you’re always wrong. And not just wrong, but not even in the same galaxy. So, here’s a typical conversation with your average teabagger/birther regarding their typical grievances that plague America and keep Americans up at night.
Teabagger and/or Birther : Obama wasn’t born in this country and is a Muslim!
Normal human being: Firstly, of all the 2008 presidential candidates it was John McCain who wasn’t native-born. McCain was actually born on a naval base in Panama, though it’s safe to assume he’s old enough to have helped construct the canal. Secondly, I am fairly certain that Hillary Clinton, the most calculating, egomaniacal and power-starved of all the Democratic presidential candidates; furthermore, a woman who refused to acknowledge she was behind in the primaries and actually circulated a photo of Obama dressed up as some sort of muslim cafeteria lunch lady, would’ve jumped on the “birther” question faster than Bill on a college sorority girl. Lastly, that pesky commie thing known as the constitution strictly forbids any religious test being imposed on a candidate. Therefore, Obama could belong to the first church of Shaft and it would be meaningless.
Teabagger and/or Birther: But Glenn Beck told me so.
Normal human being: Yes, says the guy who dropped out of college after just one course and who’s one thorazine away from playing with his own feces. Furthermore, a man that makes the demented, screaming hobo on the street corner look more stable and serene than a buddhist monk.
Teabagger and/or Birther: Yeah, but he’s on Fox News and they’re true americans, as well as fair and balanced.
Normal human being: Fox news is notorious for being totally in bed with the right-wing, hiring fake journalists with no college education whatsoever, were cheerleaders for Bush throughout his entire presidency and never even so much as criticized a loud fart from President Bush, and deliberately distort facts in order to satisfy their rabidly wight-wing agendas. They are about as balanced as Lindsey Lohan after an all nite drinking binge; their CEO and founder is Rupert Murdoch, a foreign-born right-winger who only became an American for personal business reasons; and the second largest shareholder of Fox News is a Saudi Arabian. So technically, Fox News is a muslim company and Bill O’ Reilly is an Imam.
Teabagger/Brither: Obama is the joker and his healthcare plan is reminiscent of Hitler’s Dachau concentration camp.
Normal Human being: Firstly, the depiction of the president as Heath Ledger’s breakout role in The Dark Knight makes about as much sense as depicting George Bush as Minnie Mouse. Secondly, each and every time I open a history book that covers 20th Century European History, German Chancellor and Führer Adolf Hitler’s healthcare plan is the last thing that jumps in front of me. That you would make such a comparison based upon a plan that was, by and large, written by major private insurance industry trade group, America’s Health Insurance Plans, and big health insurers in general is not just grotesquely inaccurate, but nauseatingly offensive to the unspeakable horrors committed by Hitler’s Nazi regime.
Michael is a comedian/VO artist/Columnist extraordinaire, who co-wrote an award-nominated comedy, wrote for NY Times Laugh Lines, guest-blogged for Joe Biden, and writes a column for MSNBC.com affifilated Cagle. Follow him on Twitter and Facebook