In 1989, Rick Perry gets the fateful call of duty. Perry picks up the phone as the clock strikes midnight.
Perry: Who is this?
Perry: Come on, who is this, Larry? Larry from A&M?
Death: It’s Death.
Perry: (mocking) Okay Larry…Death, what do ya want?
Death: You looked hot in that Hitler uniform in college. Reminds me of the good old days back in Germany…
Death (continues): much hotter than that cheerleading costume…
Perry: Who IS this?
Death: You show real potential, but you’re going to have to leave the Democratic party to realize it. Remember when you killed those ants with the magnifying glass? I could sense the real joy you felt in your heart giving those ants what they deserve. And that time at the funeral of House Speaker Sam Rayburn of your home state, you so wanted the power over life and death. Life and death is my area of expertise, but you felt that yearning.
Death: I want to help you realize your full potential. I want to put you in the Governor’s mansion in Texas to ensure those on death row die.
Perry: (Excited, like he was while watching the ants die) Yes!
Death: (Smiling inside) Yes. I have some other missions for you. First, you must leave the Democratic party and join the party of Death, the Gravediggers Own Party. Sure, I work with Democrats as well, but with them, it’s always compromise. “If I have to kill a few million in Cambodia, can’t I at least “save some starving Africans”.
Perry: And if I change to Republican, you can help me get in the Governors Mansion?
Death: I would kill to have someone like you running Texas, ha ha, in fact I will kill. And if you heed my words, perhaps even the White House is in the offering.
Forward to February 13 – 14, 2004. Perry is up late reading an evidence report. The curtains in his den billow out and Perry sees a ghostly shape he hasn’t seen since his successful election for Governor; Death appears to Perry.
Death: Hello Rick. You know what to do with the evidence exonerating Cameron Todd Willingham, correct? Besides, what do scientists know about fire that I don’t know. Accidental or not, he still started that fire, and…(waiting for Perry to finish his sentence)
Perry: …he deserves to die. (on his knees) Yes my lord. I must ignore the evidence, ignore science, ignore the capital punishment statute, and have faith in you. But how do you know the fire wasn’t intentional?
Death: (in a threatening tone) I WAS THERE. Remember, I am Death.
Perry: But you want me to kill Willingham anyway?
Death: Yes, Death always wants death, as should you. Besides it’s his time; God told me (chuckles to himself).
Perry: And then you’ll let me be President.
Death: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. I already have the deal with Bush in place. So, are you a man of science, or a man of faith? Be careful how you answer.
Perry: My faith in you got me elected to office…
At that moment Perry’s wife Anita comes into the room and interrupts.
Anita: Rick, are you okay? Who are you talking to?
Perry: (surprise, but making a quick recovery) Uh, yes, just praying.
A couple of years later Death makes an impromptu visit to Perry while he is cleaning his favorite Colt 45.
Death: Hello Rick. (Perry jumps) Good job making cuts to the health care system. Texas will now have the lowest rate of insured in the nation. You make me proud and, as you know, less insured people means they will die an early death.
Perry: Well, we can’t afford…
Death: Cut the crap Rick. You did it because it makes our buddies, the plagues of conservatism, happy. And it quickens the apocalypse, which we can both agree will be a great day.
Perry: Yes. (Perry looks around the garage to make sure his wife isn’t looking on).
Death: And good job on those gun regulations, especially the guns on campus bill. That should get me a few new customers soon. Here’s hoping! You’ve done such a good job keeping those executions rolling that I have an idea to make the state money I’ll pass along to you. It’s called dead peasants insurance. I suggest you start with insuring teachers, since they will soon have guns in their class rooms. You take out life insurance on them and when they die, for whatever reason, the insurance goes to the state. I can help with the death, by the way.
Perry: I’ll get right on it. Thank you, lord. Get life insurance for the teachers, then cash in. Only Death could come up with a plan like that.
Death: One more thing, I love that Texas miracle. Low wage jobs for everyone! Low wages, low health, no insurance and high death rates. The people believe the economy is gangbusters in Texas. But we both know that Texas undercuts the other states for those minimum wage jobs and avoids those terrible life affirming unions. (Death smiles his boney grin) You make me so happy Rick.
Death meets Perry backstage at the Republican debate in 2011.
Death: Remember, I will be in your head, so when they ask you the tough questions about the capital punishment, I’ll be right there with you.
Perry: And I’m here for you, lord.
Herb Cain catches Perry in contemplation.
Cain: It’s always good to call on your lord in times of stress, like I do when I pray about what to do with Muslims.
At the Republican Debate in the Reagan Library, Rick Perry stood up for Death. When asked about all the people he allowed to be executed by the state of Texas,“In the state of Texas, our citizens have made that decision…and they don’t want you to commit those crimes against our citizens, and if you do, you will face the ultimate justice.”
After the debate, Governor Perry tweets Death: Thanks for the hand out there, oh lord.
Death tweets back: Any time my son.
Less than a week later at the Tampa Tea Party debate, Death whispers into Ron Paul’s ear, “we can’t help everyone, that’s the risk people take when they don’t buy healthcare…”
More of Rick Perry’s Death and Hypocrisy:
Rick Perry’s George Bush Moment:
Perry’s Death Penalty Cover-up:
“The first word spoken from the moon was ‘Houston’”
Perry has taken federal disaster aid 13 times, more than any other state: