It was becoming so easy to ignore Herman Cain. I mean really, who was all that interested in the former head of a really crappy pizza joint who was polling in the single digits in the Republican Primary? Then, Mr. Goofy Pants goes off and wins the Florida Straw Poll and I must pull my hand away from my face palm and pay closer attention to what this nut is saying. Didn’t I already have my hands full with Perry and Bachmann? Ah, well.
So, last Thursday when I was watching the GOP debate in Florida (if only for the laugh lines), I heard Herman Cain shouting in German about some sort of Nein! Nein! Nein! plan. I swear, I would have paid more attention if it had come from someone other than the Prime Minister of highway oasis pizza pies, but I digress.
What I really can’t figure out is why was Cain speaking in a foreign language (the native tongue of Hitler, no less) at an all-American, blue blooded, old white man (and do I ever mean WHITE) audience? What in the world was he thinking? And why in the hell were they cheering him for it? These things confuse me.
Now upon reflection, I have come up with a theory. Nein being the German word for “NO,” I can only assume that Cain was simply falling in line with his party’s every response to anything the current administration offers, even when it was their idea in the first place (see Health Care Reform, Infrastucture spending, the Debt Ceiling, oh, I could go on and on…). So, I get that. And I can only guess that Cain shouted it in German for the powerful effect it had over the audience of fascists in the primary hall who so fondly recall the toothbrush mustache.
Wait…hold on…you mean the Nein! Nein! Nein! plan is actually the 9-9-9 plan and it refers to tax rates? Oh come on, I’m not buying it. Everyone knows that Herman Cain can’t count past three. Remember his pledge to pass no bill with a length of greater than three pages?
“Yeah, because nothing should be longer than a pizza menu”–Matt Yeazel
If any number greater than three is too much for the man who offers you “A Pizza You Can’t Refuse,”–but clearly people do, in droves–how am I supposed to believe he can make make it past eight?
Hold on again…you are really insisting that this is a 9-9-9 tax plan and I’m off about the Deutschland aspects? Well, what’s in this plan anyway?
Sheesh, now that I have been knocked off stride by the fact that Herman Cain has almost made it out of single digits with his figures, it would appear that the 9-9-9 plan would establish an across the board business, individual, and sales tax rate of 9%. Which of course means corporations and rich folk get a massive tax cut while the poor get a significant tax increase.
However, now I believe that I am metaphorically–if not factually–correct about Cain’s plan. Am I really to believe that this fascistic 9-9-9 plan is all that different from my previously assumed Nein! Nein! Nein! plan which I bought into as a nod to the Master Race?