No, I’m not coming out! As I’ve said on multiple occasions, I’m gay for exactly two men: David Hasselhoff (millions of Germans can’t all be wrong!) and Brad Pitt in Fight Club. Besides, I’m a fag hag, I collect gays like barnacles. I’m just not one of them. No, these are my three stories of other people coming out. One on their own, one kind of dragged out by me and the last practically hit me over the head with it.
The first was Ross. Ross is not flamboyant in any particular fashion but he sets off gaydar like no tomorrow. I had known him for a few years and never saw him with a girl or really talk about them. This was odd to me as Ross, while a bit of a dork, is pretty good looking. There were rumors but I never said anything because I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable.
Eventually, he must have decided to try and “blend in” and went out with a girl for a while. This was, to put it bluntly, a disaster. While she was very nice, she was singularly unattractive. The mismatch was so obvious that the whole charade did not last long.
Finally, Ross decided to come out to his friends via email. I desperately wish I had kept it but it’s long gone by now. Our reaction, to a one, was poorly feigned surprise and sarcasm. “No. WAY! You?! Gay? Naaaaaaaaah!!!”
I suppose it was our way of calming him down and showing him we didn’t care. He was so nervous around us at first, we simply couldn’t resist teasing him about it. Some people would have had a breakdown with the amount of ribbing he got (and it was absolutely brutal), but Ross is made of sterner stuff. Now if I can just get him to stop watching Fox News!
The second was Maria. Maria was selectively out, meaning her gay friends knew but very few outside her immediate social circle. She was a fellow manager at EB Games at the time and you know that nothing travels faster at the workplace than a rumor. I am not a big fan of rumors at work so I just called her up and asked. She seemed…stunned at someone being so brazen. I’d like to think in a good way. After she, somewhat hesitantly, confirmed it I said “OK!”, made some other small talk and went back to work.
Over the next couple of weeks, I confirmed the rumors for others, always followed by a glare in person or growl over the phone and a “That’s not a problem is it?” Maria still seemed slightly put off by the whole thing until it became obvious that no one was going to give her any grief about it. I never did ask her how she felt about it. I should probably do that one of these days.
She ended up being my “Best Lesbian” at my wedding and that’s exactly how I introduced her. She hated it but I was of the opinion that anyone attending that had a problem with three of my groomspeople being gay could pack their shit up and leave. My wedding. My rules. And one of the Filthy Liberal Scums’ Rules are: “It’s OK to be Takei.” Another is “No goddamn 70′s music!” Seriously, wedding DJs, Disco is dead. Let it go.
Maria doesn’t really bother to hide it anymore. Even from her very Spanish family. She’s decided that they can take her for who she is or kiss off. I like to imagine I had some small part to play in that.
The last of my coming out stories involves another co-worker. This time I did absolutely nothing! I swear! My district manager and I were interviewing Erick for a management position in EB Games. Now, Erick is obviously gay. Not flamboyantly but he didn’t even try to downplay it so I guess he was already “out” but it’s still a funny story so I’m telling it anyway. One of the very first things out of his mouth during the interview was that he needed off in a couple of weeks because he was getting married in Massachusetts. To his BOYFRIEND!!! And then he sat there and glared at us.
It’s important to note that Erick is about as threatening as a Chihuahua and weighs about as much. I could snap him in half with a good sneeze and here he was, all belligerent and scowly. Apparently he quit his previous job because they denied him the time off despite having known about it for months. Somebody, I never found out who, had an issue with him marrying a guy. This translated into just a bit of anger that would have normally ended the interview right then and there.
Fortunately, such considerations are not an issue for me, and my DM was most likely flamingly gay himself (while I never managed to confirm this, if he’s straight, I’ll eat a rainbow colored hat!). To this day, Erick denies he did this. But I thought it was adorable!
So there are my “coming out” stories. They’re not really mine but I played a part in each of them and I’m pleased with my record of 3 for gay. How about you, my straight liberal scum? How did you react the first time someone came out to you? And you, my filthy gay liberals? What was it like for you to come out?