Rick Perry Simply Doesn’t Have the Balls

Tough with a gun, scared of debates

Has there ever been a more manly recognized state than Texas? With sayings like “Don’t mess with Texas,” and “Everything is bigger in Texas,” the seemingly accepted answer to that question sounds like it should be no, especially if you ask a Texan. After all, Texas is supposed to be this tough, hardcore territory that is emblematic of the great, rustic legends and tall tales of old, western heroes like Pecos Bill roping and riding a tornado without breaking a sweat, while oozing more machismo in the moment than most of the other states ooze all day. So in a state known for the Alamo, trigger happy outlaws who lived to buck authority, along with the fearless Wild West sheriffs who dared to rein in such lawlessness, hearing the current leader of this great state, Gov. Rick Perry, entertaining the thought of sheepishly ducking out of the Republican debates, which symbolizes nothing more than the modern-day, political versions of old, western, saloon-like, gun-battles is about as anticlimactic as it gets, especially by Texas standards.

Isn’t it anticlimactic and unbecoming to the Texas persona that Rick Perry has happily draped himself in politically to hear him and his wife whining about how tough the debates have been on poor, misunderstood, overworked Rick? Is that how they do it down in Texas, Rick? In a conservatively lead state where the patriarch still roams the rugged, illegal-alien-filled terrain and women are still encouraged to take the conservative nod to the traditional, expected behavior of the kitchen and bedroom, is it the cowboy way to have your wife come out and play the crucified-Christian, sympathy card, because a Mormon has basically owned you in the debates Rick? Is that why you had to sit back and watch as one of your henchmen, Dr. Robert Jeffress, had to come out and hit this butt-kicking Mormon below the theological belt, by calling Mormonism a cultish, falsity of Christianity? Maybe Jeffress should do the debates and take on Romney, so we can cut out the middle-man/weakest, whining link.

Are we, as voters, supposed to believe that Walker/Perry Texas Ranger Governor can corral an illegal immigrant in a single bound, but he can’t outmaneuver Mitt “The Super Mormon” Romney in multiple bounds? Way to go Rick! Every time Romney takes you to school in front of a live, worldwide audience, a loud, thunderous applause of laughter can probably be heard emanating from a ranch down in Crawford, Texas owned by a guy that you know very well. After all, that guy did to Al Gore in 2000 what Romney has done to you, Rick, during these debates, and that has been to take the momentum and the ball away from you by any means necessary—political flip-flopping included!

So now Perry has mysteriously developed some political doubts about the relevance of the debates as a whole in regards to the political well-being of the candidate, as he told Fox’s Bill O’Reilly that agreeing to participate in the debates at all was probably a mistake. Again, in a true anti-Texas fashion of manning up, Perry blames the inner-workings of the debate forum instead of putting the blame where it squarely belongs, which is on his rickety debate performances with him as the sole skipper.

It’s very reminiscent of the song “Mr. Telephone Man” by the great, R&B group New Edition, where Bobby Brown and the guys blame the telephone man because their girlfriends keep hanging up on them, which is precisely what Perry is doing by blaming the debate forum for his inability to stop Mitt Romney from placing his presidentially assertive hand on his  shoulder and treating him like a red-headed stepchild who just got sent to bed without the GOP supper. And Perry wonders why many of the conservative voters have followed the lead of the girls in the “Mr. Telephone Man” video and hung up on his Texas-sized ham-fistedness. So why wouldn’t Perry want to do away with the debates? If my debating teeth were consistently being kicked down my throat, a hiatus might not be out of the question in my view either.

But since my home address is not in Texas, and my name has no chance of being on the ballot for the presidency or the GOP nomination, a hiatus might be fine for me, but it is not fine for Perry. As the old saying goes Rick, “If you can’t stand the political heat, get out of the political kitchen.” If you can’t take a political punch, get out of the political ring, and if you can’t chop debate wood, put down the presidential axe, and stick to something that you’re good at, like standing in  Bush 43’s shadow to disappointed conservatives, while posing as a meaningless footnote to Al Gore’s 1988 presidential campaign to since-moved-on-Democrats!

Now coming from a candidate who openly boasts about his confidence in his abilities to go toe-to-toe with Barack Obama–while at the same time doing his best Wile E. Coyote impersonation by going over the Looney Tunes cliff yet again as the Romney road runner continues to elude him– it is to be expected that more and more conservatives have decided to jump ship to watch Herman Cain’s chief-of-staff do the worst James Dean impression of all-time, smoking his tough-guy cigarette and laughably blowing smoke at the camera before Herman Cain builds up the political suspense until he does his best impression of a smiling Cheshire Cat with a sardine pizza!

The fact that Perry is taking a shellacking from candidates like Herman Cain and Mitt Romney is  pitiable to say the least, and if he is unable to regain his political footing and get back in this race, he should have his Texas-cowboy-card revoked! And unfortunately for Perry, there is only one way to accomplish this, and that is by taking it to the debate, instead of allowing the debate to be taken to him. What Perry should do is take the advice given by Sharon Angle to Sen. Harry Reid and man-up, grow a set, and haul his whining carcass to the debates, because this job doesn’t get any easier once the debates are over. Just ask President Obama about that.

Instead of flirting with Birtherism with his nose completely submerged down the crack of Donald Trump’s gluteus maximus, by allegedly kidding around about President Obama’s birth certificate, maybe Perry should spend more time trying to locate his man-certificate, because it looks like Mitt Romney has taken it away from him, and it is unclear if Donald “The Wizard of Oz” Trump can help this Texas “Tin Man” find his debating heart.

Now even though there are many who consider Mormonism to be a fraudulent cult, at least Mormonism has a set. Sooner rather than later, Rick Perry is going to have to drop his pants and try to relocate his! Otherwise, he could find himself permanently on-the-outside-looking-in at the smiling, pizza delivery guy and the grinning Mormon, as they slice up the GOP, nomination pizza without him!

Edited by David E Phillips