Despite all of the “Vote with God,” conservative ballyhooing of the traditional, GOP alma matter of Christianized family values that the Republicans and Tea Baggers routinely try to ram down our throats, one small, insignificant detail remains, and that detail reads as follows: ‘Republicans actually like sex too!’ When you pull back the holy rolling sheets of deceit, you’ll find the typical, human behavior that many of those same conservatives have religiously deemed as ‘Godless, liberal behavior,’ but it’s not always just the liberals who are Godless, and it’s not always just the liberals who engage in frisky behavior either. The only difference between liberals and conservatives when it comes to sexual activity is the fairly known fact that most liberals are able to openly celebrate the devices of their humanity, while most conservatives are too busy trying to disguise their devices of humanity into the situational morality of clique approved philosophies. So, presidential candidate Herman Cain’s possible involvement in a sex scandal is nothing new under the political sun.
Now normally, liberals like myself would not bat an eyelash at another political, sex scandal involving a politician, but after the scandalmongering, carnival barking led by the conservative right on everyone from Gary Hart to President Bill Clinton to Anthony Weiner, we as progressives owe it to ourselves to heckle these Christian president loving, Christian president demanding backsliders to the ends of the earth—starting with Herman Cain, since he has now shown the world his love for the cookie/nookie jar. Apparently, pizzas may not have been the only things that Cain has been shoving in the ovens!
But first, consider this dandy, little nugget of conservatism. My arch nemesis, a Tea Bagger known as Holly the Holy Roller, confronted me recently and tried to justify the actions of Herman Cain by accusing the good, old lame-stream-media of going out of its way in slandering a Black conservative, so the GOP will possibly be denied of its all-important chance to prove once and for all that it is not a racist group. That’s right; conservatives like Ms. Holy Roller actually believe that all of this has been concocted by race mongering liberals who will do whatever it takes to tarnish the non-racist intentions of the conservative movement just to keep the minority vote railroaded at President Obama’s socialistic train station for the 2012 ride.
Then, she goes on to try and explain why John Edwards is the real demon of hedonism who deserves to be scrutinized and jailed, if possible, and the reason for that is because Edwards cheated on his sick wife. According to Holy Roller logic, even if Herman Cain did have an affair or two on his wife, it’s still not nearly as bad, because Cain’s wife was not sick with cancer at the time. After that, Holly makes the quintessential statement that embodies everything that is conservatism in this country and abroad, as she looks me right in the eye and says: ‘Herman Cain is a conservative Christian, and he will be forgiven for his wrongdoings if he is guilty of them, but Godless liberals like you and John Edwards will never be forgiven, because liberalism is the devil’s playground!’ And with that being said, let that be one more reason why my services will never be employed in a conservative capacity.
Nevertheless, Holly the Holy Roller was absolutely correct in her assessment of Christian conservatism, not based on the way that it should be used, but based on the best way to use it to make your self-serving ends justify your hedonistic means. This is why presidential nominee Newt Gingrich was allegedly guilty of some of the same sexual indiscretions as President Clinton during the same time that Clinton was being hunted down by the Ken Starr hell hounds. This is why Louisiana Senator David Vitter is still employed by the federal government, while former Congressman Anthony Weiner is somewhere tweeting in obscurity. Seemingly, conservatives feel as if they can always lie down in their Christian sarcophagus and emerge sin free like nothing ever happened, and the trick is—you have to be in the “I’m not a Godless liberal” club to have access to one, while the other trick is—you have to have a gullible, progressive pack of blue dogs willing to shy away from challenging it!
So before all of the Bible thumpers, Holy Rollers, and Christian right wingers go out on their ‘too much liberalism in the media’ crusade to try and make Herman Cain into the true victim in all of this, one thing needs to be understood, and that is the basic reality of the media’s relationship with politics. Despite the slanted grumblings of pundits like Sean Hannity who claim that the liberal media only goes after conservatives, the truth of the matter lies no further than the rise and fall of Anthony Weiner.
Like Cain, Weiner was embroiled in a sex scandal that would eventually cost him his Congressional seat, not necessarily based on the decadence of the tweeted act, but absolutely based on the smug denials of a politician’s arrogance. Like it or not, the only organization that can consistently rival the vanity of power displayed by so many of our government officials is the equally pretentious media, and it does not, under any circumstances, like to be taken for a ride, and the politicians that do will often pay the price, especially when it’s a sex scandal! In other words, the bigger the goose chase that a politician sends the media on, the bigger the crucifixion cross the media will construct to nail that politician to.
What Cain needs to understand is the fact that it is not the questionable behavior of the allegations that will totally and ultimately fry his pizza. It will be the elusive actions of Mr. Cain as he tries to outmaneuver the media in hopes of keeping the sorted facts surrounding his questionable behavior all hush-hush. Well take it from me Mr. Cain. The media specializes in un-hushing the hush-hush! The pizza man can easily shift his story like a side-winding snake, but like the Anthony Weiner debacle one can only shift so much once the media, the facts, and basic, secretive information being made public corners the accused between a 15-minutes-of-fame rock and a flavor of the political month hard place.
First, Herman Cain said that he was unaware of a settlement involving his sexual harassment controversy, but then he does a shape-shifting about-face and admits that he did know about an agreement instead. It’s very reminiscent of President Clinton’s infamous statement made during his sex scandal, when he said: “It depends on what the meaning of the word is is,” which in layman’s terms means: ‘There’s not a better time to split hairs than when your political ass is on the line!’
With dubious statements like these, you might as well open your door and roll out the red, accusatory carpet so the media can dance right in with a handful of stones to tear your political, glass playhouse down leaving your political career buried within it. So whether Cain believes that his situation makes him the next Clarence Thomas; a victim of some vast, left wing conspiracy to tear down Black conservatives or whether he gets painted as the next Anthony Weiner who gets ran out of town on a morality rail, it is his undisputed responsibility to expect the unexpected, the expected, and the unfathomable. You cannot expect the world not to slime you Mr. Cain, and you certainly cannot expect or demand the world to clean it up whenever it does.
Is it fair that as soon as Herman Cain went from the back-of-the-pack to the front-of-the-pack, the skeletons started falling out of his closet—many of them possibly pushed out on purpose for political gain? Would it be fair if it was proven that someone from the Rick Perry camp served as the political catalyst for actually bringing these charges to the political forefront? This might not be fair, but it is definitely vintage politics at its finest. After all, maybe it is the liberal, race mongering media that is responsible for smearing the Cain campaign, and maybe it was the competitive hand of political, friendly-fire that gave the liberal media the smear device to do it with!
This entire ordeal is a pure, karma chicken coming home to roost on Herman Cain’s face. When Cain told the 99% to ‘blame themselves,’ it was one of the biggest, ass kissing odes the top 1% in recent memory. Well, what goes around comes around, and in politics sometimes that means right on back around immediately. So if Cain wants to find someone to point the finger at, he should look no further than at the scapegoat staring back at him in the political mirror. He might as well drop the deer-in-the-political-headlights act, because he knew that this scenario was out there. Herman Cain, taking a page out of his most famous, rhetorical advice column, should blame himself just like he told the 99%’percenters and the occupy protestors for everything that is happening to him thus far.