Why Herman Cain Had to Take His Pizza, and Go Home

As conservatives all across the political landscape cry foul play at the so-called suspension of Herman Cain’s presidential campaign, progressives like me are quick to respond to such charges of liberal, Democratic bullying at the hands of what the conservative, Fox News machine likes to refer to as the “In-the-tank for Obama, liberalized, lame-stream media,” by decreeing that not all progressives were clamoring at the bits for Cain to exit the race based on the nookie skeletons that just  kept filing out of his all-American, red-blooded, heterosexual, patriarchal, closet of bravado’s apple pie expectations.

Despite what conservatives say in front of the cameras, as they conjure of magical clouds of family values, behind the political scenes there are few things in life that actually have more value than good, old, straight-laced, heterosexuality. From Senator David Vitter, former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich to the suspended candidacy of Herman Cain, conservatives seem to like sex just as much as can be humanly expected, even if their rhetoric tries very hard to downplay its magnetism when faced with the political spotlight.

Now one of the mightiest criticisms that will appear on the conservative banner will be the charges that articles like this one only point the impropriety finger at conservatives and not liberals, so let’s deal with that aspect right now. Yes, liberals and Democrats also like sex, and like the conservative appetite for sex on a platter, the liberal/Democratic likings for such engagements has to be the worst kept secret of the modern political era. Of course, progressives know all about President Kennedy’s transgressions, President Clinton’s transgressions, Gary Hart’s transgressions, Gary Condit’s transgressions, and former Congressman Anthony Weiner’s transgressions, and to the politically naked-eye it all seems to run together at times, but there is a difference. It’s called saying what you’ll do, and then doing what you’ve said without all of the morality smoke in the sin mirrors.

The first difference is based on the well-known, highfaluting banner of morality, specifically Christianized morality, that absolutely dominates an entire flank of the conservative brand known as the Christian right. If there is any grouping of conservatives that might have had a serious problem with Cain’s indiscretions, the Christian right is probably that group; much more than the average progressive. And just in case some have forgotten who the Christian right is, they are the same political witch-hunters who oppose abortion, gay marriage, legalized gaming, contraceptives, sex education, pre-marital sex, pre-marital pregnancy, single mothers, adultery, and even interracial sex/interracial marriage in some cases.

It’s the same primordial ideology that saw Vice President Dan Quayle attacking the CBS comedy show “Murphy Brown,” for its conservatively perceived lack of morality, and it was also that same Christian right brewed, “Scarlet Letter” mentality that saw Fox News’ Bill O’Reilly going after actress Jennifer Anniston for playing the role of an artificially inseminated mother. So, think about it. The conservative mob-squad would have the audacity to criticize a woman for being a single mother and then scrutinize her even worse if she had decided to have an abortion so she wouldn’t have to be the societally unbecoming single mother. And if she did decide to have the baby and put her child up for adoption, it certainly had better not be a gay couple who adopted the child!

So, politically speaking, you cannot throw single mothers under the morality bus with one ideological hand, while climbing aboard a Cain train that’s hauling a handful of sexual innuendos that has done more than its fair share to enable the copulative encounters that create single mothers, pre-marital pregnancies, adultery, and the more than occasionally, under-the-cover-of-night, conservatively sought abortion with the other ideological hand! And although Cain steadfastly stated his innocence in these matters, the family values party could never really afford to anoint Cain with the nomination anyway once these Tiger Woods-like transgressions started to surface, just in case somewhere down the political line an Anthony Weiner, tweeter-peter picture or some compromising video happened to find its way out of the closet right before the election of 2012. As the conservatives said about President Clinton during his sex scandals of the 1990’s, “Where there is smoke, there is fire,” and Herman Cain’s inability to extinguish that potential fire was never worth the risk, which leads to the second reason why he had to go.

If you think back to the Anthony Weiner debacle, the first explanation that Weiner gave was that hackers had violated his account and tweeted an image that probably was not him. Speaking as a progressive, my belief in his story was non-existent from the beginning. It just sounded like there was more to the story than he was letting on, and the media, which is the apex predator of news and gossip, obviously shared my view. And when the media smells blood leaking from a story, just like an African lioness, they dig in for the kill until their pantry is full, especially when it’s a sex scandal and especially when it involves a politician or a celebrity!

And contrary to conservative beliefs, asking a candidate who is running to be the President of the United States to further address charges of sexual allegations or other important issues is not a gotcha question. If a sitting U.S. president can be asked or demanded to yield two birth certificates, Herman Cain should have expected to be asked to explain the possible recklessness of his libido and misuse of his authority, and that wouldn’t change whether it was Obama-loving Democrats behind it or disgruntled Rick Perry supporters blowing the whistle.

In this post–President Clinton, current Tiger Woods transgressions era, one would expect a politician to get it, yet Cain seemed on numerous occasions to be either unable or unwilling to get it, as he constantly stumbled and limped through his ineptitudes from Libya, abortion, Israel, the possibility that’s actually a reality of weapons of mass destruction in China, his declarations of racism being a myth unless it’s applied to Black conservatives, his heartless, elitist statement to the 99% to blame themselves for not being rich, employed or economically stable, to his weak and ineffective statements regarding the sexual accusations, which when summed up translates almost verbatim into the lyrics of an old song by Shaggy called “It Wasn’t Me!”

Back during World War II the saying “Loose lips sink ships,” was coined, and today the updated version of that saying is: “Loose ends can and will unravel political campaigns,” and Cain’s inability to convincingly articulate his loose ends only made him the last, crippled zebra falling behind the herd as the political vultures began to circle, and the lions and hyenas of the lame-stream media began to lick their predatory chops. Now Sarah Palin, Herman Cain, and Newt Gingrich can say that it’s the lame-stream media’s fault all they want, but when loose ends are left to the media’s discretion by the ineptitude of what appears to be deception, the political heat will cling to a politician’s ass like sticky on grits, and Cain had to know this.

Basically, when Cain’s accusers seemed to be doing a better job at articulating the believability factors of their sexual allegations against him, as he struggled to successfully fend them off and to clearly communicate his positions in general, it was time for Mr. Cain to take his pizza, and go home or out on a book tour. The pizza man cometh, and the pizza man go-eth, because it takes a mighty big pizza to run for the presidency, and Herman Cain simply failed to deliver in 30 minutes or less.

And with that being said, let’s have the drumroll please! Herman Cain, the fact that you were unable to secure the GOP nomination, unable to beat back your political competition, unable to properly prepare for and properly address your sexual allegations, you have only one person to blame, and it’s not the lame-stream media. That person is you, so blame yourself. Welcome to the road specifically designated by you to the 99%, and we hope that you will enjoy the trickled-down potholes of inadequacy that you loved to talk down on so much when you were riding so conservatively high on the winds of your tokenism and the novelty of your political 15 minutes! So whenever we order a pizza for $9.99, we’ll think about you.

And consider this Mr. Cain, your $9.99 pizzas have almost certainly done more for the 99% than all of the Republican nominee’s plans and all of the Wall St. shenanigans disguised as capitalism combined.