As the girl with the Jewish father (before Christians loved us), Protestant(ish) mother and agnostic beliefs, I’m used to getting left out. But you’d think this War on Christmas would be right up my alley, right? Every day, my breath is bated, waiting for my recruitment papers. But alas, nothing.
Could it be because I actually celebrate Christmas? Could it be because I contribute my hard-earned money to the pro-Christmas cause?
The war has to be real, right? Everywhere I look, pieces of multi-colored shrapnel light up the landscape. Shoppers carry tazers in case they encounter the enemy. Their call to arms can be heard from near and far, “Merry Christmas!” and “Get out of my way. That iPad is mine!”
But what of the other side…people who gleefully chant, “Happy Holidays?” What about the “Tree Lighting Ceremony?” The very lack of the word, “Christmas” is sending Santa’s elfs into hiding. People’s homes, once invaded by Christmas specials and Christmas commercials are well, still invaded by Christmas specials and Christmas commercials, but because some aren’t uttering the word “Christmas,” their homes are a little less CHRISTmasy. Their trees droop from the weight of the war (or could it be from the 100 pounds of decorations?) People will still go to church on December 25th, but little girls’ patent leather Mary Janes won’t quite have the gleam of years past.
The anti-Christmas side needs our help. It was rumored that the President himself was on their side, but he and Michelle have obviously been brainwashed.
Even Bill O’Reilly acknowledges that his side is in fact, winning the War on Christmas, despite Jon Stewart’s hell-bound martyrdom.
It’s time for all atheists, agnostics, heathens and non-Christians to gather together and plan the next attack. First, we must choose a meeting place. Perhaps the mall? Then, we must choose our weapons. Credit cards should work. Wrapping paper should help us disguise our loot. We already know our battle cry -
HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO ALL AND TO ALL A BEAUTIFUL NEW YEAR!