Even as I write this, the final moments of the South Carolina primary are ticking away. By 7pm tomorrow night the polls will be closed and a significant portion of the earth’s atmosphere will be displaced as the one percent collectively inhales in nervous anticipation of the results. Already, pundits and corporate sponsors are melting cell phone towers throughout the state with their last-minute predictions.
Will the Mittster carry the day, give a brief victory speech and burn the hard copies of his tax returns before leaving Columbia? Will Rick Santorum bribe the electorate with fresh, slave-sewn sweater vests? Will Pauliogli, the tragic story of the political clown, fade into its final silence? Will the Eye of Newt eviscerate his opponents, along with a significant portion of their wives and mistresses? Only time will tell.
For us at home, it’s a great excuse to get at least moderately buzzed and bask for a few hours in the illusion that these people have no consequence in shaping our collective future whatsoever. So toast your exes, toast your distant relatives, whatever makes you feel more comfortable than Republican presidential candidates, and join the world in a game. The rules are pretty simple (for best results, Make sure you have shitty rum on hand that tastes like nail polish and slides down the throat like wood stain):
During exit poll coverage:
-Every time you hear family values, take a shot.
-When you hear that women or a woman voted for any of them, even once, in any part of the state, take a shot and recite the Lord’s prayer.
-Whenever you hear Ron Paul and young people in the same sentence, take a swig straight from the bottle, since government regulations probably had something to do with the manufacture of your glass.
During the results:
-If Newt wins, take one shot for every one of his mistresses, and, if you’re still standing, make sure you have the money to get enough popcorn to last you through the primary season.
-If Santorum wins, actually if Santorum wins you should just sober up and buy several pairs of long pants.
-If Paul wins, drink everything alcoholic in the house, lie down, wait the next day through the hangover, make a pot or three of coffee, get on the internet, and double-check. If after that the world still says he won, start calling your friends from college (hey, if he wins, you guys can go into the newly legalized weed industry while everyone around you dies as a result of massive food shortages and lack of healthcare).
-If Romney wins, take one shot to celebrate Mitt 2012’s victory and another to console Mitt 2008, who, after all, just lost.
If you have to, go out and buy double glasses. After all, these days politics is harder on the spectators than the participants.