For months we’ve observed Republicans in Washington griping about the debt, and while it may be fair to say that our national debt does need to be addressed, I don’t think people like Paul Ryan are actually giving their best effort here. So in the spirit of helping Mr. Ryan, I’ve outlined a far better proposal to get the job done more quickly.
Dear Paul Ryan:
I feel that your debt-reduction plans don’t go far enough. We need to move faster on this. Let me show you how we could get rid of the national debt in a faster, more effective way.
1) First, we’ve got a population problem. Let me rephrase that: we in the Republican party have a poor-people problem. There are just too many of them. They cost too much money, and they vote for Democrats.
We’ve tried cutting their Medicaid and their food stamps, hoping it might thin out their numbers, but that hasn’t really worked. Those damned idiot liberals have stopped real changes from being made. We’ve also tried getting rid of contraception, but for some reason, that has actually resulted in more babies being born to poor people. Our biggest minds are working on this one, but so far we haven’t reached a conclusion on why. We will notify you know when we have this figured out.
Our strategy: Start another needless war, but make sure this one is on a larger scale to ensure maximum population control advantages. Continue to tell poor people that contraception is wrong and that sex outside of marriage is bad, and eventually they will stop having sex.
2) Second, there’s a revenue problem. We have too much of it. I don’t think it’s enough to just cut taxes on the rich, though. Now, I’m not suggesting that we cut taxes for the poor, too — that would be counterproductive to the first problem we discussed, because having more money would mean they would no longer be poor people, and then they might rise up with their newfound power and eat us.
Our strategy: Get rid of all taxes completely. Eliminate them altogether for anyone earning more than $100,000 a year, as well as anything that calls itself a business. As our top minds have pointed out, the more we cut taxes, the better the national debt situation will become. Logically, then, it follows that if there are no taxes, there will be no national debt.
3) Continue opposition to homosexuals getting married and adopting children. Here’s the thing: if they get married, they will have more power, and like the poor people, they will rise up and eat us. And if they adopt children, they might inadvertently bring a child out of poverty — something we already know cannot be risked for the same reasons.
Our Strategy: Keep feeding Rick Santorum a healthy diet of raw steaks and Bible verses. His moralistic crusade will stop the those awful gays in their tracks. Although this has nothing to do with the national debt, it makes me feel good about myself and gives me a platform from which to preach at people about morality. And I like that.
4) Terrorism.
Our Strategy: Stop terrorism.
5) As you wisely pointed out, Mr. Ryan, the government is too damned big. It is inherently evil, the spawn of Satan, which means it must be destroyed. But cutting agencies one at a time is inefficient and will allow the beast to live on for far too long.
Our Strategy: Gather together our Moral Crusader Action Kits, complete with holy water, Bibles, tea, guns, and a healthy dose of self-righteousness, and go to the capitol. Find the heart of the beast and destroy it by stabbing the Sword of Piety into its core. If we can accomplish this, all other problems will take care of themselves and we will ascend into heaven in a holy ball of rage and fire.
This proposal summarizes our best strategies for tackling the debt crisis. I hope, Mr. Ryan, that you will strongly consider these wise and logical proposals as you continue your noble, amazing work.
Sincerely,
Matthew Malone
