Ted Nugent’s Craziest Quotes

In recent days, Ted Nugent, the Motor City Madman, who doesn’t actually live in the Motor City, has again landed himself in trouble over another vocal oil spill that he’s so prone to. If anyone ever doubts that Nugent, who has flirted with the idea of running for Governor of Michigan, really is a madman, afflicted with something far worse than cat scratch fever, here are some more of his zanier quotes.

“I’ll tell you this right now: If Barack Obama becomes the president in November, again, I will either be dead or in jail by this time next year,” Nugent said at an NRA event earlier this week. He also said, “It isn’t the enemy that ruined America. It’s good people who bent over and let the enemy in. If the coyote’s in your living room pissing on your couch, it’s not the coyote’s fault. It’s your fault for not shooting him.” He went on to say, “We need to ride into that battlefield and chop their heads off in November. Any questions?”

Only one: When you meet with the Secret Service over these comments Thursday, are you going to recommend to them your favorite prostitutes? Or just the underage ones?

In a videotaped August 2007 concert performance, Nugent waved a machine gun and stated: “I think that Barack Hussein Obama should be put in jail. It is clear that Barack Hussein Obama is a communist. Mao Tse Tung lives and his name is Barack Hussein Obama. This country should be ashamed. I wanna throw up.” He also said, “Obama, he’s a piece of shit. I told him to suck on my machine gun.”

To which Obama is rumored to have answered, “You mean your tiny Beretta that only shoots blanks?”

For all of Ted’s love of guns, one might assume that he has a history of service protecting the freedoms he so cherishes. But one would assume wrong. As patriotic as Uncle Ted claims to be, he apparently wasn’t patriotic enough to serve his country in Vietnam. In a July 15, 1990, Detroit Free Press interview, Nugent bragged about how he dodged the draft. Thirty days before his draft board physical, he disavowed personal hygiene. The last ten days he ate nothing but junk food and drank nothing but Pepsi. A week before his physical, he completely stopped using the bathroom, choosing instead to shit himself like the imbecile he‘s now become. Later, Nugent reassured the Free Press, “But if I would have gone over there, I’d have been killed, or I’d have killed all the Hippies in the foxholes. I would have killed everybody.”

Yeah, with your body odor.

Apparently Ted prefers to shoot at creatures that won’t shoot back. He told Salon.com that he gets a “full predator spiritual erection” from tracking “bear, lions, coons, housecats, escaped chimps, small children, scared women, and everything else that can be chased and/or hunted.”

And when Ted Nugent is reincarnated, I pray to God that he’s a bear, lion, coon, housecat, escaped chimp, small child, scared woman, or anything else that will be chased and/or hunted. Karma’s a female dog. But the erection part doesn’t surprise me one bit. Hunting is probably the only way he can get an erection. Try Viagra Ted.

Speaking of dogs, Ted has this advice for the poor among us…

“If you’re poor, you can’t have a dog! You start by eating the (expletive) pets!

But wouldn’t that be cannibalism? No, no… wait… I apologize to all of dogkind for that remark.

“…I met a couple of guys in line yesterday and they say write something to my girlfriend, she won’t let me go hunting.  I wrote her something, I wrote Drop dead bitch.  What good is she, trade her in, get a Dalmatian, who needs her, the wench,” he told WRIF-FM, Detroit, when he was a guest D.J. on September 25, 1991.

Only the dalmation doesn’t wash dishes, is horrible at fellatio, and can’t lift the lid on the washer to do laundry. Oh, and if the guy is poor, he’s already had to eat his dog.

Like the man he just endorsed, Ted Nugent may not respect dogs, but he respects women nearly as little. Aside from calling for the clubbing of Heidi Prescott of The Fund for Animals and referring to her as a “worthless whore” and a “shallow slut,” he seems just as in love with Hilary Clinton. And forgetting for a moment that this man’s love song, Stranglehold has the lyrics: “you ran that night that you left me, you put me in my place, I got you in a stranglehold baby, then I crushed your face.” Ted Nugent has some serious mommy issues.

“You probably can’t use the term ‘toxic c—-’ in your magazine, but that’s what she is.  Her very existence insults the spirit of individualism in this country.  This bitch is nothing but a two-bit whore for Fidel Castro,” he told Westword Newspaper in Denver, Colorado on July 27, 1994. Then in that August 2007 concert performance, he said, while waving a machine gun, “Hey Hillary, You might want to ride one of these into the sunset, you worthless bitch.”

Is it just me or does it sound like Ted wants to do her doggy style?

Ole Nuge doesn‘t dig those radicals much. What’s a feminist anyways? A fat pig who doesn’t get it often enough?

My new definition of feminist is any woman who would not sleep with Ted Nugent.

But it’s not like Ted isn’t getting his share of nookie. In fact, he’s well on the record as being a serial pedophile, getting his “wang, dang, sweet poontang,“ first with an underage wife and later with a muse Pela Massa, with whom he consummated their relationship while he had legal guardianship over her in 1978.  That’s not to mention Courtney Love’s accusation that she had oral sex with the Madman when she was just 12-years-old.

The rocker has a little bit better relationship with foreigners than he does with the fairer sex. Before touring in Japan, he described the Japanese on a Detroit radio show: “…Yeah they love me (in Japan) – they’re still assholes. These people they don’t know what life is.  I don’t have a following, they need me; they don’t like me they need me…  Foreigners are assholes; foreigners are scum; I don’t like ‘em; I don’t want ‘em in this country; I don’t want ‘em selling me doughnuts; I don’t want ‘em pumping my gas; I don’t want ‘em downwind of my life-OK?  So anyhow-and I’m dead serious…” (WRIF-FM, Detroit, Ted Nugent as guest D.J.,  November 19, 1992).

But to them, Ted, you’re the foreigner, which makes you the asshole and the scum. But I doubt the Motorcity Madman has ever wrapped his tiny little mind around that concept.

His attitudes about black people are not much different. In 1990 he told the Detroit Free Press magazine, “I use the word n—-r a lot because I hang around with a lot of n—-rs, and they use the word n—-r, and I tend to use words that communicate.”

Yeah Ted, that’s the problem. You communicate too much. You have diarrhea of the mouth and constipation of the brain. And now, since Mitt Romney has sought our your endorsement, you’re a big liability. No one really takes you seriously. Except for Secret Service. They take everyone seriously. And maybe your earlier prediction about jail time will come a little sooner than you anticipated. That’d be enough to make my pussy purr.