Freedom of Conscience Act – Men Actually Leading by Example (FCA-MALE)

In the Colorado State Senate, Senate Memorial 3 was recently defeated.  It was kind of old news, a bill sponsored by Republican Senator Tim Neville, trying to breath new life into the contraception vs religion controversy.   You may rest assured this had nothing to do the imaginary War on Women, and is instead about protecting our religious freedom.

Sen. Angela Giron, D-Pueblo wasn’t impressed. 

“We are suffering from a statewide and national campaign to make one set of religious beliefs the law for everyone. I for one am disturbed that religious freedom has become some cheap, political catchphrase and a divisive political tool to deny women basic health care. It is disturbing that religious freedom has been twisted to provide cover for those who would discriminate against those with whom they disagree.”

This is not about women or their reproductive healthcare, why would she think that?  It’s about the right to Christianity religious freedom.  In fact, according to the bill’s sponsor:

“Preserving our freedom of conscience is critical to maintaining the foundation of American liberty,” said Sen. Tim Neville, R-Littleton, in defense of the religious-freedom argument. “It must be safeguarded at all costs.”

I have decided I agree and will no longer remain silent about this so-called War on Women.  So with due respect to ALEC, I would like to propose the following model legislation:

The Freedom of Conscience Act – Men Actually Leading By Example (FCA-MALE)

In keeping with American values, which are and always have been based on the Christian faith, it is determined that sex is solely for the purposes of pro-creation under the covenant of marriage.  (Which by the way has nothing to do with love and everything to do with one man screwing one woman.) Sex is defined as any interaction where an erection of the penis exists.

A) Purpose of Bill

FCA-MALE is written in part to return men to their rightful position of superiority in the family and society at large, as documented in the Bible, Constitution.  As such, offenses against the health and well-being of the family, including but not limited to domestic violence, emotional abuse,  and financial neglect of a spouse and children will be prosecuted under the Antiterroism and Effective Death Penalty Act of 1996 

B) Legal Components

FCA-MALE purports that men, as heads of the household and leaders of the church government are better equipped to understand and respect the sacred importance of the sex act.  FCA-MALE will educate and discipline our youth and enforce abstinence if no intent of procreation is present.

  1. Mothers, camp counselors, coaches, boy scout leaders and any adult with reasonable access to evidence of masturbation must report these incidents to the authorities or face prosecution.  Serial masturbators will be required to sign into the Federal Masturbation Registry (FMR) until the age of 21.  At that time, the offender will be allowed to present evidence that such unlawful activity has ceased and the monthly registration requirement is lifted.  (Records will be archived, but remain available via FOIA.)
  2. By age of 14, all males are required to have a reversible vasectomy and take libido-reducing medication.  This is to protect innocent and gullible young girls from being morally swayed by adolescent boys first experiencing testosterone.  We anticipate this will drastically reduce the number of teenage pregnancies.
  3. Condoms will be available solely by prescription.  To prescribe, doctors are required to see proof of marriage and must conduct  medical testing to determine if there is a valid health issue for avoiding pro-creation, such as a sexually transmitted diseases that could potentially harm their spouse.
  4. Upon presenting a certificate of marriage, the state will allow the reversal of  vasectomy and end the libido-inhibiting medication.  Doctors must first confirm that the husband’s sperm count is sufficient to participate in producing children.  If not, based on their religious conscience, doctors may enforce the continued use of medication.
  5. Men who commit adultery will be remanded to private boot-camp facilities such as The Pat Robertson Sex Center for retraining  and rehabilitation.  In support of the justice system’s freedom of conscience, penalties for serial offenders may range from prison time to castration.
  6. Women who commit adultery are a clear statement on the husband’s failure to educate, control and satisfy his family.  This is a misdemeanor offense but the husband will be required to undergo, “American Family Hierarchy and Role Assignment Training.”  Upon completion of the course, a learning assessment will be conducted. Repeat sessions, at the husband’s expense, may be required based on the freedom of conscience of the training vendor (currently Halliburton.)
  7. Erectile dysfunction medications are considered controlled substances.  Doctors are required to refuse treatment to any unmarried male, any male with a record of serial adultery, any male over 21 still required to register in the FMR and any married men past the federal age for parenting a new infant to adulthood (currently 42 years.)
  8. Oral sex is a sinful act and all parties who attempt to evoke sexual pleasure without benefit of procreation are endangering our country.  The government reserves the right to swab citizens’ mouths at will, without the need for court order, as supported by the Patriot Act.

C) Language Management

  1. The speaking, writing or publishing the words homosexual, lesbian, bisexual, transgender is outlawed.  Since same-gender sexual encounters are a scourge against the fragile male ego God, these individuals will be referred to as PDAs (Perverts Destroying America.) PDAs will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.  Identified offenders will be required to wear the PDA patch at all times.  Voting rights will be revoked for any PDA attempting to obtain employment in education, the military and any major sports franchise.
  2. The word gay is defined as:  “happy heterosexuals.”

To echo Republican State Senator Ellen Strong who co-sponsored Senate Memorial 3:

Senate Memorial 3 FCA-MALE is about protecting religious freedom, a person’s most deeply held religious beliefs…It is the freedom we were promised as Americans by our Constitution.”

Gosh, I feel so much better now – don’t you?

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