The GOP 2012 Platform Exposed (And Thoroughly Mocked)

I’m so glad that that they’ve released these documents. Nothing is more annoying than listening to conservatives claim that bigotry and stupidity isn’t really what the GOP stands for, or that the Tea Party is just some fringe. Well, here’s a cross section of the Iowa GOP platform, chock full of Tea Party goodness. Remember, this is their platform and words, not an interpretation. My commentary will follow each section.

Here’s part of the introduction:

As Republicans, we seek a world of liberty; a world in which all individuals are sovereign over their own lives and are never deprived of property or forced to sacrifice one’s values for the benefit of others. We believe that respect for individual rights is the essential precondition for a free and prosperous world, and that only through freedom can peace and prosperity be realized. Consequently, we defend each person’s right to engage in any activity that is peaceful and honest, and welcome the diversity that freedom brings. We defend the right of each individual to be free and to follow their own dreams in their own ways, unless the exercise of their freedoms infringes upon the valid rights of others.

In the following pages we have set forth our basic principles and enumerated various policies derived from those principles. Let it be clear that these specific policies are not our end goal. Our goal is nothing more nor less than a world set free, and it is to this end that we stand together. (emphasis mine. They sure do love that word “free.” Too bad they don’t know what it means) Reading this, one would think we live in a dictatorship. We have more freedom now than we did when the country was founded but Tea baggers still think we should turn back the clock. How profoundly ignorant.

A Right to Life

1.1 We believe in the sacred gift of life from conception to natural death. On day one a baby’s genetic code and DNA are formed. That is the beginning of life. We affirm that the unborn child is a living human being, with rights separate from those of its mother regardless of gestational age or dependency. So every miscarriage is a potential homicide? How do you plan on prosecuting that? Will you issuing death certificates?

1.2 We oppose infanticide, euthanasia, and assisted suicide. No assisted suicide? What happened to “We defend the right of each individual to be free and to follow their own dreams in their own ways?” I should die in agony from cancer because it makes YOU squeamish?

1.6 We oppose the use of public revenues for abortion, and call for elimination of government funding for all organizations, such as Planned Parenthood, which advocate or support abortion.  But we sure don’t mind using public revenue to blow up children in other countries! We’re pro-life!


1.3 We oppose any laws prohibiting and/or restricting Iowans from selling farm products directly from the farm to the consumer. But will you force the farms to follow guidelines for safety? No. Will you then hold farms accountable for outbreaks of E. Coli and the like? No. That would be punishing success or some such stupidity.

1.7 We oppose proposed Department of Labor regulations on the work of children on their own family’s farms. The Federal Government should not regulate young people working in agriculture through new labor laws, or revisions or new interpretations of existing ones. Because child labor is always in the best interest of a society. Work’em hard and long when they’re young and they’ll be too uneducated to question when they’re adults.

1.8 We oppose regulations that would require a state-certified electrician to perform all electrical work on a farm. Better to risk fire and death to save a few bucks on a “discount job.” Slumlords think this way.


1.14 We strongly oppose government monies being given to private organizations such as Planned Parenthood, AARP, ACORN, ACLU, and other groups which lobby for policies contrary to the views expressed in this platform. But funding for groups that support said views is fine? Amazing the level of hypocrisy is – Liberal Yoda. Oh, and by the way? 

1.16 We oppose federal funding for all media outlets. Because NPR tells too much of the truth and Sesame Street doesn’t spread conservative dogma.


1.7 We support a landlord’s right to refuse to lease property and a business owner’s right to refuse service based on moral grounds. So discrimination against, gays, minorities or whatever else I was raised to hate is just fine because it’s my “moral position?” Let freedom ring!

1.8 We demand the elimination of the Federal Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) and the return of safety inspections and regulations to the IOSHA. That would be awesome! After corporations infiltrate and weaken IOSHA, we can get back to the freedom of dead or maimed workers! Safety drains the bottom line, after all.

Are you getting the basic gist of it? Remember, this is their CHOSEN platform. Here’s a little more:


1.2 We believe that claims of human-caused global warming are based on fraudulent, inaccurate information and that legislation and policy based on this information is detrimental to the wellbeing of the United States. We deplore extremist scare tactics not based on scientific evidence. We recognize it as a plan to take our freedoms and liberties away from the people through legislation. I was not aware the Iowa GOP was filled with scientists. Oh wait, they just watch Fox News so they’re experts in denial.

1.3 We call for closing government branches, offices, and agencies that strip us of economic prosperity in the name of saving the environment. We should eliminate policies and rules related to this. Yes, let us pollute the air we breath and the water we drink. What could possibly go wrong?

1.6 We strongly oppose the diabolical collusion of the United Nations in establishing the unconstitutional “sustainable development agenda 21” in our local communities, our state and our nation. Oh noes! The diabolical UN is gonna make us slaves or something. We don’t really know what Agenda 21 is but it sounds scary and we were told to be afraid of furrners.

1.7 We support Iowa Laws to ensure clean air, clean water, and safe management of wastes. However such laws and rules should be based on unbiased scientific research, risk analysis, economic impact, and common sense. Such research to be conducted by corporations, of course. We can’t trust a government scientist.

Family Values (See if you can spot the pattern)

1.1 We believe that the traditional family is the building block to a moral, healthy, and thriving society. No fags getting married.

1.9 We favor improving, strengthening, and simplifying the adoption process. But no fags.

1.10 We oppose adoption by homosexual individuals and couples. See? No fags.

1.12 We support non-familial adoption by heterosexual married couples consisting of one man and one woman, and believe that no law should infringe on faith-based adoptive service agencies that offer their services in accordance with their beliefs.  No fags. 

Foreign Policy

No Agenda 21…bla bla bla…no foreign aid…bla bla bla…no World Government…bla bla bla…Kyoto Protocols are evil..bla bla bla…No United Nations…bla bla bla…No mythical North American Union and No adoption of the Amero as currency…bla bla bla…Not a single word about not invading other countries under false pretenses or bringing our troops home.

Government: General

1.1 We believe the language in the United States Constitution and Declaration of Independence is as relevant today as when it was penned. Any attempts to revise or deviate from the original intent of said documents must be vigorously opposed. Yes, the Forefathers were prepared for the internet, in vitro fertilization, stem cell research, cloning, space travel and a population of over 310 MILLION people from all over the world. By way of comparison, the first census recorded roughly 2.5 million people in 1777. By way of further comparison, Brooklyn, New York ALONE has that many people. Sure, the Constitution is totally up to date as it was originally written.

1.11 We support the public display of the Ten Commandments. I think that pretty much sums up the conservative “understanding” of government.

1.14 We call for a full investigation of the organization formerly known as ACORN and its
allied organizations, call for full prosecution of those involved in any illegalities
discovered, and call for elimination of government funding of such organizations. You mean the same ACORN that was shut down because of known hoax? The same one that no longer receives any funding because, again IT’S ALREADY BEEN DISBANDED? Is this a form of Tourette’s? Are we going to have to listen to you imbeciles trembling in fear of the awesome power of ACORN, the evil shadow organization that “stole” the 2008 election for another four years?

Government: Legislative Branch

1.2 Any federal or state legislator who proposes a new law or agency must stipulate at the beginning of the bill the exact section of the state or federal constitution under which the bill is proposed. Where do you suppose NASA fits in? Did Thomas Jefferson slip in a bit about “Space: The final frontier?”

Government: Executive Branch

1.3 We oppose the unconstitutional appointment and power of “Czars”. And what power would that be, precisely? The power to advise? Perhaps you can find the official job title that lists them as “Czars?” Or maybe, just maybe, you’re too fucking stupid to know that “Czar” is a nickname invented by the press so they would have to continually repeat “Adviser to the President for Public Health Emergency Preparedness” (AKA Bird Flu Czar) which gets really tedious. I almost can’t wait for a Republican president to get into office so I watch the backpedaling of the entire right over this childish non-issue.

1.5 We support the elimination of the departments of Agriculture, Education, Homeland Security, Housing and Urban Development, Health and Human Services, Energy, Interior, Labor, and Commerce as well as TSA, FDA, ATF, EPA, National Endowment for the Arts, Fannie Mae, and Freddie Mac. Because all these things can take care of themselves! McDonald’s would NEVER sell glasses to children with toxic metals in it! Who needs regulations?! Look at how good Somalia does with it!

Gun Rights

1.5 We call on the Iowa legislature to pass a “stand your ground” law similar to that in several other states. Because a life is definitely less important than “feeling manly.”

1.6 We believe that the term “assault weapon” should not be used as a term applicable to a semiautomatic weapon. Because semiautomatic weapons are great for hunting home defense skeet shooting killing people.

1.7 We call for the repeal of the law denying a citizen’s right to bear arms based on a single conviction for simple misdemeanor domestic assault. Because nothing says “We care about your safety” by letting a known wife-beater have access to a gun after his wife pressed charges.

Health Care (Think they’ll mention Medicare?)

1.1 We oppose nationalized Healthcare and support the repeal of the Affordable Health Care Act (Obamacare). Because we want a return to children without coverage from “pre-existing conditions” and allow insurance companies to take your money for years and then cancel your policy when you get cancer. FREEDOM!!!

1.14 We demand an end to the legal monopoly enjoyed by allopathic medicine and demand a level playing field for every legitimate health-care modality. Holy crap. What does this mean? They want to legalize homeopathy as “medicine.” Maybe we can toss in healing by prayer as well? I’ll stick with actual medical science, thank you very much.

Funny how these hardcore anti-government fanatics can’t bring themselves to condemn Medicare. Hmmmm…..

Homeland Security

1.3 We support behavioral profiling to identify possible terrorists. What you really mean is “profile Muslims.” Just say “Muslims” because we all know for a FACT that whenever the government even GLANCES at the network of potential domestic terrorists known as the militia movement, you squeal about tyranny. Because we all know only brown people can be terrorists.

Human Services

1.5 We believe, with the imminent bankruptcy of Medicare, Medicaid, and Social Security, Republicans should take the lead in replacing these programs, over time, with private solutions. Oh, THERE’S the condemnation of Medicare! And Social Security, too! Of course, “over time” means that the elderly get it now because these programs are just fine for them. Have to be careful not to make the old folks think Republicans are trying to destroy these programs. For the rest of us in our old age? Tough shit.


No fags. 

Seriously, that’s pretty much the entire section.
Religious Freedom (Oh this should be good)

1.2 We assert that the public display of the Ten Commandments, nativity scenes, and other displays that honor the civilization that provided the philosophical basis for our cherished liberties, religious tolerance, and efforts to help the poor and oppressed around the world, are not “an establishment of religion,” do not compel or coerce others, and should be protected by the 1st Amendment. Riiiight, that’s why God and Jesus are specifically names in the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence! Wait, they’re not?! Besides, if the Ten Commandments are the foundation of our country, then we should be putting up Jewish imagery. Christians are Johnny-come-latelys. And why no Muslim symbols? They certainly acknowledge the Old Testament as the foundation for Islam, just like Christianity does. No? I’m shocked. Really.

1.3 We oppose further attempts to remove any mention of God from the Pledge of Allegiance, the Declaration of Independence, and other documents; or from our governmental buildings, monuments, or currency. Ah? You found the word “God” in the Declaration? I would LOVE to see that! I would also like to know who is attempting to remove it. Further, if you’re all about “originality” as you claim to be, then surely you know that the word “God” was only added to the Pledge of Allegiance in 1954. Let’s get back to the original text just like you want! No? Again, I’m shocked.

1.4 We advocate freedom of public prayer and religious expression for all.  Except Muslims.

1.9 We believe that Judeo-Christian values and Scripture should not be excluded from government schools.  But ONLY Judeo-Christian. No Muslims.

1.10 We support the free-speech right of students to write and speak about God and religion in government schools. Unless they’re Muslim.

Right to Work

Unions are bad…bla bla bla…Right To Work…bla bla bla…free markets…bla bla bla…Wall Street Reform is bad…bla bla bla…minimum wage is evil…bla bla bla


All taxes are bad…bla bla bla…permanent Bush Tax cuts…bla bla bla…but they don’t have to be paid for…bla bla bla…lower corporate tax rates…bla bla bla…end Capital Gains tax…bla bla bla…end the Death Tax…bla bla bla…end the IRS…bla bla bla

 And there you have it: The Iowa GOP platform. Remember it the next time a conservative tells you that Obama is the one pushing social issues as a distraction. No one is forcing the GOP to go insane except for its own members. Maybe it’s time they took a little personal responsibility for how far off the deep end they’ve gone.

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