Running a country is hard work! It’s so hard, in fact, that Republicans don’t think the United States government is up to the task. As part of their decades long
jihad Crusade patriotic struggle to help the government by shrinking it down to the size where it could accidentally drown in a bathtub… it’s powerless… it’s more manageable, the GOP is always looking for government functions to profit off of… run more expensively … run less efficiently …to hand over to the superior skills of the patriotic private sector.
Here are top ten items on their list:
1. Federal law enforcement to the mafia - Castellano Waste Management Corporation, the family owned company that won the contract due to rival representatives disappearing without a trace, has promised to “protect” small business interests across the country. Says Johnny “Kneecap” Tortino, the Castellano spokesman, “Of course, if they don’t pay their ’taxes’ on time, we can’t guarantee something most…unfortunate wouldn’t occur.” Mr. Tortino ended the press conference by telling the reporters to “geddafugouddahear!”
2. Health education to McDonald’s – From the New York Times: “The McDonald’s representative, inexplicably dressed like a clown, could not stop giggling while he introduced the new nutritional standards to be taught weekly from preschool to eighth grade. Critics claim the new charts look suspiciously like McDonald’s menus.
Writer’s note: As I was looking for a graphic to use for this entry, I stumbled across this article. We are truly living in a parody of the real world.
3. Airport security to al Qaeda - “In the interests of speeding along the boarding process and lowering costs, there will be no metal detectors, pat downs or security checkpoints of any kind. Death to the Great Satan! Errrr…We hope you enjoy your flight!
4. All public Life guard positions to sharks - In Ayn Rand’s Republican America, we can’t expect others to save us when we get into trouble. It’s just not in our self-interest. The logical extension of ignoring people who get in over their head financially, is to ignore them when they get in over their head literally. The sharks are there to keep the water clear of floating bodies, otherwise someone would have to clear them out of the way and it’s wrong to force others to clean up your mess! The sharks are believed to be quite happy with this arrangement and have released an official statement: “Nom Nom Nom!”
5. Internet Security to Anonymous – Please enter your name, Social Security, ATM pin and bank account number to read the rest of this post.
6. Top Secret documents to Julian Assange - I’m sorry Justice Thomas, you didn’t want to tell the public that your wife has been accepting bribes from the insurance lobby on your behalf? And the Pentagon didn’t want to release the real civilian death toll in the Middle East? My bad.
7. Faith Initiative funds to Bryan Fischer and The American Family Association – Spreading Jesus’ love. But only to people who have embraced Christ as their savior and are not black, Hispanic, gay, an unmarried female (whore!), divorced, single and pregnant (slut!), liberal, libertarian, communist, socialist, Muslim, Jewish, did I mention gay?, Mormon, Buddhist, atheist, well read or an MSNBC viewer. And absolutely no gays.
8. Diplomatic training to the cast of the Jersey Shore - Eh YO! You can’t let these dumbasses step up to your face, knowhutahmsayin? What we got here is a situation (see what I did there?) so when some dick-tator steps up you just slap’em done and yell, “SHUT YOUR MOUTH YOU DIRTY LITTLE HAMSTER!”
9. The Drug Enforcement Agency to the Columbian Cartels – The Florida Keys have been declared a “clean zone” where all drug trafficking has been eliminated. Strangely, the level of drugs on the streets has increased 500%. The cartels are looking to follow up this free market success by declaring Texas the next “clean zone” and removing any dang fences along the Mexican borders. The head of the new agency, whose identity is unknown, was reported as saying, ”Don’t worry about drug mules, pendejo, we don’t need them, I mean, I don’t think you will see them anymore.”
10. Foreign Policy to Haliburton and Blackwater -
- Iran is planning on thinking about deciding whether it should possibly consider starting a program to look into the feasibility of developing nuclear capability? Solution – Declare war.
- The Iraqis appear to be stabilizing their government and reclaiming their oil rights? Solution - Re-invade.
- For brevity’s sake, we’ve prepared this list of hot spots that will most likely require direct military intervention within the next 30-40 years: List of countries by proven oil reserves
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