Mitt Romney is all but locked in as the Republican presidential nominee, but we won’t know who he’ll pick as his running mate until the coronation convention, at the end of August. It’s a huge decision, one that can make or break a campaign. There are many elements that come into play when picking a running mate, here are some examples:
In 1960 JFK’s young, idealistic image didn’t play as well in the more traditional southern states, so they brought in an older Texan, Lyndon Johnson, to ‘balance the ticket.’ Balancing the ticket is a very common strategy in making V.P. candidate picks, as we’ll be discussing in more detail, as we go on.
In 2000, the Republican Party, after seeing a stage production of ‘My Fair Lady‘ in Branson, Missouri (Starring David Hasselhoff as Henry Higgins and Victoria Jackson as Eliza Doolitle), decided it would be fun to try to pass off George W. Bush as a viable presidential candidate, just as a goof. Imagine their surprise when he won the nomination! They picked the embodiment of evil, Dick Cheney as his running mate to insure that no matter how inept or catastrophic a Bush presidency became, no one would ever be reckless enough to try to assassinate him and put Cheney in the White House.
In 2008, John McCain who was considered an ‘elder statesman,’ in the Republican Party, so he decided to balance the ticket by choosing Sarah Palin, an inexperienced illiterate. Actually in 2008, former First Lady and Senator, Hillary Clinton lost a very close Democrat primary race to President Obama and the Republican Party saw an opportunity to lure female voters to their party by picking a female V.P. candidate they felt was in the same mold as Sen. Clinton. And by that I mean, they both have a vagina (apologies to the Michigan G.O.P.). Unfortunately the plan backfired, and as a result Republicans have sworn to exact revenge by confiscating all of the nation’s vaginas.
So as we see, there are myriad factors for the Romney campaign to consider. Who will play to Romney’s strengths, or shore up his weaknesses? Who makes the Romney ticket complete? Here are some potential candidates who could bolster the ticket:
The Frito Bandito- The lovable commercial mascot of the Frito-Lay company’s 1960′s commercials. If corporations are people, it stands to reason that their mascots are too. Strengths- Crude stereotype shows Romney’s willingness to work with the Latino community, long a trouble spot for Republicans. Shares traditional Republican attitudes towards business and nutrition. Plus he’s pro-gun. Weaknesses- Soft on snack-related crime, also not a rich white man.
Jesus- There’s a saying that goes, “If you’re not liberal when you’re young, you have no heart. If you’re not conservative when you’re older, you have no brain.” And nobody embodies that sentiment more than Jesus. He started out 2000 years ago, as a young liberal firebrand out of Bethlehem PA, but he’s done a lot of growing up since then. Strengths- He doesn’t believe in ‘hand-outs’ of loaves and fishes anymore, curing anybody for free, and he doesn’t think you should ‘Render unto Caesar’ anything you can hide away offshore. Roads and aqueducts and crucifixions can all be done better by the private sector. His mother was so conservative she kept her child and her virginity. Weaknesses- Past actions can be seen as contrary to ‘conservative christian’ values.
Bane- Like Dick (The Penguin) Cheney, Bane is a sworn enemy of Batman, the privately contracted peacekeeper. Also like Dick Cheney, Bane prefers to keep his secret lair hidden, but while he is nearly as cruel as Cheney, he does have his own heart. Strengths- His vicious streak may help Romney appear a bit more ‘likeable.’ Potential slogan, ‘Put Romney & Bane In The Capitol.’Weaknesses- May be a little too ‘intellectual,’ also has connections to Poison Ivy, a tree-hugging environmentalist.
Anybody Named Bush- Conservatives have a fondness for repeating history. That’s why they’re trying to bring America back to its pre-civil rights, pre-womens’ rights, pre-science glory. What could be more attractive than putting another Bush on the ticket? Strengths- The Republicans are 5-1 in presidential elections with a Bush on the ballot. And who understands the need for huge oil company subsidies better than a family of oil billionaires? Weaknesses- The Bushes are actual conservatives, therefore any one of them would be more popular than Mitt Romney, who nobody wanted in the first place.
Romney’s main problem is finding a Republican who can help his campaign without being more charismatic than Romney, which represents a challenge to any being who can walk upright and utter an occasional coherent sentence…Luckily for Mitt, that still leaves him plenty of Republicans to choose from.
His best bet to galvanize conservative support is to travel everywhere with a cardboard cut-out of Obama, to remind his base what they’re voting against. The ‘Not Obama’-'Also Not Obama’ Ticket.