OKAY, I’M JOINING THE TEA PARTY. I’m coming out of the conservative closet, shedding my liberal views, committing to no new taxes. Do you hear me? No new taxes. EVER. Like, for eternity! And no more government interference in citizens’ lives.
My epiphany comes as a result of today’s train derailment in Columbus, Ohio.
It dawned on me, while watching the story unfold on Fox News, that if we lowered the railroad owners’ income taxes that train would never have derailed.
Sure, several cars loaded with flammable liquid blew up in a fireball. Sure, Mike McNutt, working for some bumbling government health agency, told reporters several other cars contained styrene which, if ignited, might let off clouds of gas that might, if inhaled, affect nearby citizens’ nervous systems. But if people don’t like inhaling poison gasses, nobody told them they had to build all those homes within a mile of the railroad tracks, now, did they? HAZMAT crews on the scene?
There go our taxes.
So, let me straighten my tri-corner hat and tell you why Big Government is always bad and no exception.
Hurricane Andrew pulverizes Florida; Katrina strikes New Orleans and floods a city? I live here in Ohio. Why should I have to pay taxes for FEMA to help find survivors and drowning people down South?
What about forest fires out West this summer? Why should I pay more, so the U. S. Forest Service can pay for new safety equipment for smoke jumpers? Just to save some other American’s home in Colorado?
I’m putting up my new Grover Norquist poster. NO NEW TAXES EVER!!!
In fact, the more I practice hating Big Government the better I get at the hating. I now hate the way the FDIC insures my bank deposits. I hate the way the FDA inspects meat-packing operations and tells job-creating businesses to keep E. coli out of my hamburger.
I hate it, too, when I see girls playing soccer and basketball and winning sofball scholarships to college. I hate all the meddling rules related to Title IX.
I hate when I have to pay taxes on gasoline, because taxes are bad. No exceptions. All I want to do is drive on local, state and interstate highways and go over a few bridges.
I hate air bags, too. I never have crashes. So why do I have to pay more for a car with air bags, just because safety mandates might save a few other drivers’ lives? And what’s with this rule that you can text while driving?
Just another invasion of my privacy.
I hate it when Big Government tries to take my guns away. I think it is clear that when the Second Amendment was added to the U. S. Constitution in 1791, the Founding Fathers knew someday we’d need citizens to haul around automatic weapons, maybe even heavy machine guns.
Come to think of it, I hate when Big Government limits my access to nuclear weapons. The Founding Fathers never intended that.
If I wanted Big Government messing with my Medicare protection I’d vote for Obama again. But I’ve been hearing he has a plan to introduce tyranny to America, extending health care coverage to young people, like my neighbor’s kid, age 25, who can now go free-loading along under some intrusive new heath insurance guidelines. Seriously? I have to pay taxes so some other American can have decent health care?
Speaking of young people, I hate it when I take my daughter to the airport and she has to go through all those scanners, and those scanners are run by lazy federal employees who suck up my tax dollars. We already have way too many safety regulations in this country. If people are afraid to crash and die they don’t have to get on a plane in the first place.
I hate Big Government and how it’s always trying to invade my privacy; but I read the Bible. So if a woman is raped and doesn’t want to go through with the pregnancy, too bad, I say she shouldn’t have an abortion, because it’s against God’s will. If a woman still expects to have an abortion, because a bunch of activists justices said it’s legal under limited circumstances, well, we need legislation passed so that the woman has to have an invasive vaginal examination.
That’s what the Founding Fathers intended.
I hate it when my family goes to Yosemite National Park on vacation. All we see are a bunch of god damn waterfalls and we go looking for a McDonald’s and can’t find one. I hate how Big Government always seems to be protecting Nature.
Speaking of Nature, I hate all the stupid rules aimed at protecting clean air and water. If a company wants to mine for gold along some pristine Alaska river, and they might use cyanide and pollute the water and kill millions of salmon, too bad for the salmon and any people who might eat them. I mean, if you don’t want to be poisoned, don’t go fishing.
What about all this talk of international treaties to stop the spread of AIDS, to protect oceans, to halt the increase of greenhouse gasses in the atmosphere? Liberals just want the U. S. to be part of a World Government. But why should I care about AIDS? I don’t have the disease. And who cares about saving whales, or dolphins, or cod, or fish in general? I’m not a commercial fishing boat captain.
I hate Big Government and government interference in my life. I think we need that Arizona law, though, so cops can stop anyone who looks suspicious and make them prove they’re really U. S. citizens. And I think we need to build a giant fence along our southern border, and keep out all the illegals.
Finally, I hate the way Obama is soft on terror, as my newfound friends have been telling me. We need to bomb Iran and intervene in Syria. Meanwhile, thank god our nation has the best military in the world. If we have to pay more to Northrop, something like $100.8 million for each Global Hawk drone craft, it’s worth every penny. And all that national defense spending, $700 billion a year? I’m for that. I’m a patriot.
See my tri-corner hat?
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