In 2007, back when Mitt Romney was just a mere robot infant in his then failed quest to buy the presidency, he delivered a rousing speech at a Value Voters summit (hateful, sanctimonious, self-loathing prudes who hate the idea of anyone being happy) on what can only be the most unpopular position next to banning beer: banning pornography. This, of course, begs the question: if Romney wishes to ban porn, then why is he running for president as a Romney presidency would screw us all in public for years to come.

It seems a video from 2007 (below) shows Romney promising to place porn filters on every new computer came to light after his legal adviser “assured” President Reagan’s anti-porn legal crusader (Buzz McKillington I presume) that Romney will stand by his word to tear down porn and resume prosecution under latent federal obscenity laws.

“Computer pornography has given new meaning to the words ‘home invasion,’” Romney said at a 2007 Values Voter summit, “If I am President, I will work to make sure that every computer sold into the home has an easy to engage pornography filter so that every parent can protect their child from unwanted filth.” (TechCrunch)

Holding the Macy’s Millionaire Mormon Mannequin accountable to something he said way back in 2007 seems a tad unreasonable when considering the man has absolutely no core and spouts GOP talking point de jour, but Romney was among the Republican Inane Clown Posse in the Republican Primaries to sign Morality in Media’s pledge to make sure strict enforcement of obscenity laws. After all, what a naked 19-year-old does with a cucumber is way more important than say high unemployment; soaring college tuition costs; erosion of democratic safeguards and electoral mechanisms; environmental apocalypse; outdated and crumbling infrastructure; external threats from rogue states; and Wall Street greed during a time of unprecedented income equality.

Even Romney’s foreign and legal policy director, Alex Wong, assuaged former Justice Department porn prosecutors (yes, I just wrote that) Patrick Truman and Bob Flores, that a Romney would go after porn peddlers with a pitchfork, though that may just be porn peddlers fetish.

“Wong assured us that Romney is very concerned with this, and that if he’s elected these laws will be enforced,” Trueman told The Daily Caller. ”They promised to vigorously enforce federal adult obscenity laws.” (Daily Caller)

It seems these Christian Taliban crusades lost their appeal during the Clinton presidency and even during the Bush Presidency. Indeed, President Bush found it way more arousing to launch an illegal invasion of a country that poised no threat to us than rallying against porn. Apparently “liberators” was his safe word. But today’s Republican Party is looking to make a Torquemada comeback and wants to spend taxpayer money going after such diabolical overlords as Ron Jeremy. Dictators in the Arab world are of little consequence for Romney when we’ve got dicktators in our own backyard.

According to TechCrunch, “porn isn’t protected by the First Amendment.”

The Supreme Court gave porn prosecutors a present in Miller v. California (1973), declaring that “patently offensive” material that appeals to prurient interests must confirm to contemporary “community standards.” (TechCrunch)

The federal crackdown on porn has mostly been relegated to child pornography and rightfully so. The very notion that Romney would want to take away the one last enjoyable thing American have left and devote a modicum of his presidency to imposing bans on it is utterly preposterous.

Just so you understand, we need less regulation of drinking water and commercial banking and more regulation of porn. Even more utterly bizarre is why Romney and Republicans would so vehemently go after a thriving, billion-dollar industry and therefore something good for the economy. These guys are supposed to be all for big business and there’s nothing bigger than porn. Perhaps they prefer porn actors to live on unemployment, as having “bleached anus” and “double vag” on your résumé isn’t going to get you very much work. In sum, imposing your distorted ultra-religious views on the country is way more perverse than anything ever performed in the porn industry.

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Michael is a comedian/VO artist/Columnist extraordinaire, who co-wrote an award-nominated comedy, produces a chapter of Laughing Liberally, wrote for NY Times Laugh Lines, guest-blogged for Joe Biden, and writes a column for MSNBC.com affiliated Cagle Media. Follow him on Twitter and Facebook, Youtube, and like NJ Laughing Liberally Lab, Seriously, follow him or he’ll send you a photo of Rush Limbaugh bending over in a thong.

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