We all have a crazy uncle convinced he knows where bigfoot lives, or a mean sister-in-law who thinks that everybody on welfare drives a Cadillac on her dime. Well, folks, I’m not convinced. The next time a nutty right-winger says that they actually know or have seen any of the following mythological creatures, or if you yourself believe that you have, please help me verify this by contacting me immediately.
Please remember that every stipulation of each creature must be met. I don’t want to see any jack rabbits with antelope horns duct taped to their heads. I don’t want to hear about a finding that you think meets the qualifications for #2 unless that creature meets ALL the stipulations either, so check your facts carefully. That said, a serious Jenny reward is offered for the capture and presentation of any of these mythological right-wing creatures:
Jenny’s 10 Most Wanted
1) A woman who had an abortion in her 3rd trimester to fit into a particular dress OR to go on a cruise OR because she got tired of being pregnant.
2) A person legally living on welfare (defined as the program TANF – Temporary Aid for Needy Families) for more than 5 years, who does so without performing any mandated work search AND has no disability AND who somehow affords at least two of the following: recreational drugs, acrylic nails, vacations, OR expensive property.
To be fair, I will also accept an individual who uses the Food Stamp portion of their state issued EBT benefit card to actually purchase alcohol or cigarettes at the counter of an established business in the United States – to verify this I will need a receipt.
3) An accredited scientist who can refute the fact that the glass in windows on our cars or greenhouses act like carbon dioxide and react to infrared radiation.
4) A gay person who threatened the sanctity of the institution of marriage solely by seeking to be married to the person they love.
5) A single enlisted person who is responsible for the ability of our nation to be at war or not at war.
6) A rich person who runs a business in America who got rich without using any of the following: public roads, public schools, the internet, anything invented by NASA (yes this includes velcro), a bank loan backed by the FDIC, or paper money. (*Special note: For a bonus prize bring me a creature that fits the previous qualifications for #6 AND runs a business that pays their workers such that NONE of them use food stamps.)
7) A parent who had 10 or 12 children SOLELY for the purpose of recieving a huge tax return in April of every year.
8) A person who purposely committed a crime AND purposely got caught specifically to go to college while in prison, and for no other reason. This must be the declared motive in a court of law, or in a notarized deposition from the offender for me to accept this creature.
9) A fisherperson who tells and has always told the truth about every fish they’ve ever caught in public AND in private setting. This includes, but is not limited to: size/species of fish, bait used to catch fish, date, time, and other pertinent details.
10) Jackalopes must be brought in alive as it is difficult to determine if they are real when taxidermied. Photos and other representation of the creature, including specimens of canned Jackalope milk will not be accepted as evidence. To qualify as a Jackalope the creature must be a jack rabbit with naturally occurring horns or antlers. Two antlers must be present to make positive identification.
IF you can positively identify any of these mythological creatures, please contact me immediately. I will help you document them so that the rest of the world will understand that the right wing, and your friendly neighborhood fisherman, are not ALL compulsive liars.
In the meantime – I suggest we try living our lives in a reality where these 10 myths remain understood to be myths and conduct ourselves accordingly. Except maybe in the case of Jackalopes and half honest fisherman, because I kinda like them.