America’s Teachers! We’re Dumb. And We Suck!

OKAY, AMERICAN PUBLIC SCHOOL TEACHERS: Raise your hand if you’ve heard all the self-appointed education experts howling and moaning and talking about how you’re failing. Raise your hand again if you’ve seen the charts and graphs they use to prove you’re failing, too.

(Must be because you’re all lazy union members, right?)

You know the statistics. The horrible graduation rates in many cities and even entire states. Worst of all, you have the poor showing U. S. students make in international academic competitions. I mean come on!

Who else could possibly be to blame?

Ask Mayor Michael Bloomberg of New York and that pompous gentleman will set you straight. If he could have it his way, he said recently, he’d fire half the teachers in the New York City Public Schools and start over but the evil unions blocked him. In fact, he grumbled in a speech at M. I. T. last November that the biggest problem in American education was stupid teachers. He wasn’t quite that blunt; but his meaning was the certainly clear. He said that the teachers were culled “from the bottom 20 percent [of our college classes] and not of the best schools.”

Well, Bloomberg did go to Johns Hopkins University. He did make $22 billion in business. So, sure, we have to listen to him. He knows everything about education. He just hasn’t ever spent a day in a classroom in his entire life.

So: how is Bloomberg doing, in his third term in office, after promising to make education reform the signature of his elective career. He thinks teachers are the biggest problem; but he might want to check a few statistics. According to researchers at Johns Hopkins University (there’s irony for you), 15% of American parents let their sons or daughters miss at least 10% of all school days and do it every year.

Hey, stupid math teachers! I know you came from the bottom 20% and went to the crappy schools. But check my figures. (Give me a second. I’m pretty dumb, too.) If a kid misses 18 days every year, grades K-12, then won’t that mean he or she missed classes 234 times. Um…if one year equals…and we divide 234…um…doesn’t that mean, academically, these students should be 1.3 years behind, and not because of YOU?

Raise your hands if you have telepathic powers, stupid teachers. Anyone? You mean you can’t teach kids who don’t come to school?

WTF!! What’s wrong with you!

Well, let me humbly offer this idea. Maybe we could notify Mayor Bloomberg. God he’s a smart guy. He’ll get this, I know it. Someone should tell him, that the same study found 200,000 kids in the New York City Schools missed 10% of the school year.

For the love of god and learning, tell him, “Mayor, we need better doctors in this city quick! We must be culling them from the bottom 20%, and not from the best schools! There’s plague in Lower Manhattan! There’s an epidemic in the Bronx!”

I’m mean, come on stupid teachers. If U. S. kids finish 14th in reading, 17th in science, and 25th in math, in the most recent international comparison (65 countries), we’ll, let’s just face the Ugly Facts. We’re Dumb. And We Suck.

Read ’em and weep, numbskulls. Look at the international rankings (left column) for 15-year-olds in reading! Aren’t you ashamed of yourselves? It’s a travesty and you must be to blame:

READING (2010)

  1. South Korea                                                                     (Singapore)
  2. Finland                                                                             (Italy)
  3. Canada                                                                             (Australia)
  4. New Zealand                                                                   (Switzerland)
  5. Japan                                                                                (Japan)
  6. Australia                                                                          (Israel)
  7. Netherlands                                                                     (Spain)
  8. Belgium                                                                            (Netherlands)
  9. Norway                                                                             (Sweden)
  10. Estonia                                                                           (Germany)
  11. Switzerland                                                                    (Cyprus)
  12. Poland                                                                             (Austria)
  13. Iceland                                                                            (France)
  14. UNITED STATES                                                         (Canada)
  15. Sweden                                                                            (New Zealand)
  16. Germany                                                                         (Greece)
  17. Ireland                                                                             (Hong Kong)
  18. France                                                                              (Norway)
  19. Denmark                                                                          (Ireland)
  20. United Kingdom                                                            (Belgium)

NOW LOOK AT THE COLUMN ON THE RIGHT. Be sure you have your hankie handy, because if U. S. schools suck, U. S. primary care offices and hospitals must be a total abomination. According to Bloomberg News. Yep. Bloomberg Bleepin’ News. According to Bloomberg’s own company, we don’t come close to the Top 20 in “The World’s Healthiest Countries.”

Doctors in Singapore are crushing our medical professionals; and we can’t even beat hospital care in Cyprus! In fact, if you check the full list in the article, America’s health care system comes in on a stretcher, in 33rd place. We get beat by Cuba! We get beat by Slovenia and Kuwait!!! But then again, it could be worse. You could live in Swaziland, which finishes dead last in 145th place.

Well, there you have it folks. We use another simple list to “prove” another simple point. If U. S. students stink up the rankings, and the only explanation is that teachers and their unions are to blame, at least we’re not pathetic losers like America’s doctors and nurses. And if you’re ready for more bad news, let’s face these Ugly Facts, too: In an annual report, titled “F as in Fat,” state rankings for adult obesity were released today. And where do we find the worst dieticians?

Mississippi, where the obesity rate is 34.9%.

I’m just a dumb, retired teacher; but if you ask me, it looks like we need Congress to act, and pronto. Let’s shape up lousy, lazy medical folk. Let’s pass a law and call it No Fat American Left Behind.

(Maybe No Fat American Behind Left Behind?)

If we’re going to criticize teachers based on simplistic comparisons, let’s not forget all the dumb people in the health care fields.

Viall also writes about education at