If You Tax The Super Rich, The Terrorists Win!

LOOK, THE RIGHT WING IS ON TO US all the way. Let’s face it. They’re smarter than us. Let’s admit it. President Obama is a Socialist. No, no. A Communist. All those who vote for him are stupid. Our conservative foes love America more than we do and can prove it by quoting themselves. All those who intend to vote “Democratic” in 2012 hate God. All Democrats are welfare recipients, menacing union thugs, and even-more-menacing dark-skinned people.

And gays. My God, the gays! With their tasteful outfits and stuff.

So, you figure the rich are really scared as the 2012 election approaches. It’s “Give Me Romney or Give Me Death.” Obama’s policies are killing Capitalism. That’s why, when the stock market plunged to 6,400 in early 2009 — during the crash touched off by the Bush administration — it never recovered. That the stock market actually closed this week above 13,500?

Optical illusion.

We all know, as Paul Ryan says, this election is about Makers vs. Takers. You know: hard-working types who vote Republican vs. the moocher class who feed on government handouts. Yeah, like kids who lose fathers at an early age and save up their Social Security survivor benefits to help pay their way in college. (Wait, wasn’t that Paul Ryan?) It’s the lowly 47%, the victims, the people who won’t take responsibility for their lives, unless someone better than them, like Mitt Romney, shows them the way.

…and what…

What did Forbes magazine report?

It turns out 2011 wasn’t such a bad year after all, even if you are one of the fattest Fat Cats. The Red mobs haven’t marched yet. In fact, it’s surprisingly calm, what with America on the verge of revolution and all. According to Forbes, the richest 400 U. S. citizens saw their wealth increase by 13% last year and their combined assets now total $1.7 trillion: roughly 1/8 of the nation’s entire economy.

True. Life sucked for Mark Zuckerberg, who fell to 36th place in 2011, as the value of his shares in Facebook plunged from $17.5 billion to $9.4 billion. And the men who led Groupon and Zynga fell entirely off the list. So, yeah, it was a bad year for social media moguls — but not like in 1917, when the Czar and his family found themselves dragged away to the forest and shot down in a ravine. Apparently, America’s socialists and communists aren’t a very threatening lot. They can’t nationalize any companies, which pretty much defines socialism. So, as socialists, they suck. And they can’t even overthrow Congress, which has a 12% approval rating with the American people. Vladimir Lenin, they ain’t.

Here then are the top ten richest men and women in the United States today, with editorial comments where necessary:

1. Bill Gates, Medina, Washington: $66 billion (wants to give most of his money away in a clever move to thwart President Obama and/or his communist minions).

2. Warren Buffett, Omaha: $46 billion (for some reason supports President Obama; or, as Fox News would say, a socialist in sheep’s clothing).

3. Larry Ellison, Woodside, California: $41 billion (Who? Oh yeah, head of Oracle; once owned a 454-ft. yacht but sold it to a friend; recently purchased the island of Lanai in the Hawaiian chain and now owns 98% of Lanai’s 141 square miles; may have enough money left to build his own navy and keep the moocher class away).

4. Charles Koch, Wichita, Kansas: $31 billion

5. David Koch, New York City: $31 billion (Dave and Charles had a great year, got richer, funded all kinds of right-wing causes, saved Governor Scott Walker’s anti-union ass in Wisconsin, and gave $4 million in support of Proposition 32 in California to make it harder for unions to collect from their members and to make political donations).

6. Christy Walton & family, Jackson, Wyoming: $27.9 billion (She finished the year still seated on a giant pile of money; meanwhile, Wal-Mart was accused of raising the number of hours part-time employees had to work to keep them from qualifying for health insurance and a worker’s group sent a letter to corporate headquarters, arguing that workers should be paid a minimum of $13 per hour. Yep…class warfare of the worst kind).

7. Jim Walton, Bentonville, Arkansas: $26.8 billion

8. Alice Walton, Fort Worth, Texas: $26.3 billion

9. S. Robson Walton, Bentonville, Arkansas: $26.1 billion (Well, what can you say? Wal-Mart stores are not unionized and communists in America are napping or too lazy to get out of their recliners and go join protest mobs).

10. Michael Bloomberg, New York City: $25 billion (He spent the best part of the year insulting teachers, said he’d like to fire half of the educators in his city and — oh, what the hell — said his efforts to fix the New York City Schools weren’t working because teachers sucked…but a recent report from Johns Hopkins University noted that 200,000 students in the NYC schools missed at least 10% of class time).

The rest of the list is kind of fun to peruse and full of surprises. You have the “losers,” of course: nine billionaires tied for last at #392. Those nine include Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder, who, like many NFL owners, benefited nicely from taxpayer subsidies estimated to total $4 billion to build or fund fancy new stadiums. (Jerry Jones, owner of the Dallas Cowboys, stood in 151st place with $2.7 billion.)

Who else has the most to fear from the communist /socialist /pugilist masses? Sheldon Adelson, in 12th place at $20.5 billion (the man who decided to spend millions to defeat Romney in the primaries and then way more millions to help Romney in the general election). Adelson decided to beat the Reds to the punch by giving almost $100 million to GOP candidates. The Mars family — Forrest Jr., Jacquelin and John — tied for #16, with $17 billion each. And way down at #100, the Walton family loser — Nancy Walton Lurie — has only a paltry $3.9 billion.

Certainly, Wall Street tycoons have plenty to lose; I mean, you can’t expect the government to bail you out every time, now can you? At #26, we have Ron Perelman, famous for “leveraged buyouts”, with $12 billion. Yep, yep: the kind of guy who built America. In fact, the Forbes 400 is a “Who’s Who” of the best of the best of the best job creators. You have four people in the Top 40 who made their billions in the hedge fund business, uh…building hedge funds. You have Rupert Murdoch, tied at #36, with $9.4 billion. You know, the churl behind Fox News, the channel that scares the crap out of old fogies and insists “Obama is a communist” regularly? (Murdoch didn’t have a very good year, though, what with all the investigations into phone hacking and bribery involving his British operations.)

But, hey, there are some real business heroes on the list: Joe Jamail, Jr., tied for 311th, who made his fortune in “lawsuits.” Michael Miliken, at 206th, $2.3 billion. (You remember him. In 1989, he was indicted on 98 charges of racketeering and securities fraud and sentenced to ten years in jail. Still doing well. Still doing very well.) And who can ignore that job creator “Bharat Desai & family” (as they’re listed) who are 206th on the list with $2 billion to the family name. The source of their money is listed as “outsourcing.”

Finally, it was a surprise to see Peter Sperling in a tie for the 388th place, with $1.15 billion, and listed as being in “education.” All right! A teacher finally makes good! Oh no, scratch that. Sperling operates the Apollo Group, which operates for-profit colleges like the University of Phoenix. Too bad the University of Phoenix has been investigated for luring in students who can’t really do college-level work and “graduating” them with a nice-looking diploma but no real marketable skills. There’s job creation for you, people.

Remember: if you raise taxes on the super rich, the communists win.

Or is it the terrorists?