Ugh! Republicans run the worst candidates. I have conservative friends and family members, and they are close to donning sackcloth and ashes in despair over Mitt Romney. In their opinion, his only redeeming quality is that he is “not Barack Obama.” You have to do better than that to win hearts and minds that are not already set-in-stone Republican.
Let’s take a look back at the, er, quality candidates who competed to win the nomination crown this election season, as that goes a long way towards explaining how a blockhead flip-flopper like Romney got “Best Boy” honors this year. To be fair and to play nice with my conservative brethren, I will strive to say something nice about each of the Republicans who had ‘formally declared’ or ‘formed an Exploratory Committee’ with an eye towards running for President in 2012!
This is not going to be easy. I may need an adult beverage.
Michele Bachmann: Your crazy eyes are a lovely shade of blue.
Herman Cain: Godfather’s Pizza was once very tasty … when I was a small child with undeveloped taste buds. Forgive me if I couldn’t help but see your entire campaign, Pokémon songs and all, as a secret ploy to advertise your books and your $9.99 pizzas nation-wide for free.
Mitch Daniels: Called “truce” on social issues war — truces are good! — then promptly jumped on the anti-union, anti-woman, anti-choice, anti-healthcare bandwagon. Oh well.
Newt Gingrich: For a fat guy, you don’t sweat much … No, NO, Lorelei … Concentrate … Be nice. OK! Newton Leroy: your chutzpah in condemning Democrats for hypothetical ethical lapses is impressive for a man who has admitted to multiple extramarital affairs, and who has left not one, but two wives:
- You abandoned your first wife, Jackie Battley Gingrich, as she languished in the hospital with a terminal illness. Why? In your own words, because, “She’s not young enough or pretty enough to be the wife of a President. And besides, she has cancer.” [1994, The New York Times, "Gingrich's Life: The Complications and Ideals" by Katherine Q. Seelye ]
- Then, you ditched your second wife, Marianne Ginther Gingrich for your third wife, Callista Bisek Gingrich, after she refused your request for an “open marriage” [Jan. 2012, The Washington Post, "Marianne Gingrich, Newt’s ex-wife, says he wanted ‘open marriage’ "]
- AND you were censured when you were the Speaker of the House for ethical wrongdoing, and ordered “to pay an unprecedented $300,000 penalty, the first time in the House’s 208-year history it has disciplined a speaker for ethical wrongdoing“.
Jon Greenspon: Ex-Marine. OORAH. Thank you for your service! But seriously, folks, “he’s your typical Tea Party candidate, professing to be pro-Constitution, without a real understanding of the document. [...] Here is a man [who] is so ignorant of political history that he claims to be a “Jeffersonian Republican”. Forget that Jefferson was the first Democratic president, and forget that Jefferson was famous for his stances on separation of church and state, and personal liberties” [Moderate Bias, by John Greenspon].
Rudy Giuliani: Pro-Oxycontin, pro-crossdressing (not that there’s anything wrong with that!), pro-cynically using the 9/11 tragedy to promote himself, anti-medical marijuana, anti-ferrets (even John McCain owned a ferret!), and, who knows, maybe he is like Mayor Bloomberg and is also anti-Big Gulp sodas. To be honest, I have no idea what Giuliani thinks about the soda ban. He lost me with the weirdly intense ferret hatred.
Jon Huntsman: Your veneers are very white and shiny. Actually, even though I disagree with Huntsman politically, I still liked the guy and thought he was a smart man and a decent human being (and, alas, that was when I knew he was doomed to fail). Huntsman told the Salt Lake Tribune that he was staying away from Republican events, including the RNC, until his political party started demonstrating an interest in “problem solving, inclusiveness, and a willingness to address the trust deficit, which is every bit as corrosive as our fiscal and economic deficits”. Poor guy. It’s tough being the only reasonable adult in the room.
Gary Johnson: He does not attend church, is pro-choice, anti-big government, pro-immigration, an outspoken critic of the war on drugs and favors legalizing marijuana. And almost no one knows who the eff he is.
Fred Karger: Self-hating gay guy (he’s apparently OK with being told by his party that he is not deserving of equal rights and protections under the law just because he’s gay), but check out his nice suits!
Peter King: Enemy of Facts. He kind of scares me. Next.
Andy Martin: Spammed “Is Obama a Kenyan Muslim?” emails all over the globe, so clearly Martin — a.k.a. Anthony Martin-Trigona, a “notoriously vexatious and vindictive” serial litigator — has the wild-eyed enthusiasm that Teabaggers admire. Has at least one interesting necktie. I saw it. It was not a clip-on.
Tom Miller: Likes our Founding Fathers…even if he does not understand exactly what they said. So inconsequential that I was unable to find a good article about him; there used to be a link at TeaParty.org, but it has 404’ed.
Roy Moore: Survived West Point and has never been caught shooting any of his friends in the face, so he’s already two up on Dick Cheney. Unclear on that whole “Separation of Church and State” thing, though.
Ron Paul: His frothing legion of neckbeard basement-dwellers are all super passionate on The Intarweebz, and willing to overlook his racist newsletters, crazy “tear the whole place down” manic street-corner screamer destruction fantasies about many useful government agencies, his wild-eyed belief that “ZERO percent income tax” would actually work, his appalling homophobic ideas, and his ideologically convenient pro-life stance because he pinky-swears that he might legalize pot (SPOILER: he probably couldn’t, even as POTUS, and the fact that he doesn’t know that after pushing reams of “legalize it!” legislation over the years is yet another sign that Paul is a few sandwiches shy of a picnic). Also unclear on that whole “Separation of Church and State” thing.
Rick Perry: Gun-brandishing Texas Governor Dick Goodhair is a, shall we say, not very bright man. Great coif, though. There are at least three reasons not to vote for Rick Perry: he is resistant to factual information, he is clearly not entirely sane, and I’ve forgotten the third one. Oops.
Buddy Roemer: Has an extremely friendly first name. Buddy wants to be your buddy. Buddy lost an election to Ku Klux Klan Grand Wizard David Duke. Buddy wants to be POTUS. Buddy does not stand a chance.
Mitt Romney: His head is, like, a perfect rectangle. Too bad about the crazy Christian cultists he’s strapped to himself like ticking bombs. He has had the aplomb to lie over 600 times since January without turning into a pillar of salt from shame. Such a successful businessman that he wants to shield the American public from jealousy by concealing his tax records, especially when the two partial returns he has revealed demonstrate that he pays a much lower tax rate than most working Americans do. Not capable of feeling shame when caught running political adverts with a fragile or non-existent link to reality and truth. Even other Republicans hate Mitt, and he is not clear on how airplane windows work or why it is bad to strap the family pet to the roof of your station wagon.
Donald Trump: This narcissistic vulgarian sociopath with the dead muskrat pelt atop his head is still butthurt that only the crazy Birther people think Obama was not born in Hawaii despite all his attention-seeking shenanigans, and absolutely furious that he won’t get a chance to rename the White House “Trump House,” hang a black velvet portrait of himself in the Oval Office (sorry, “Trump Office“) and install gold-plated fixtures in all the bathrooms.
Vern Wuensche: Also really unclear on that whole “Separation of Church and State” thing. I have to admire the chutzpah it takes to run for office with that jawcracker of a surname (is it pronounced “wince”?) when your most fervent supporters can’t spell basic English words. Oh, damn it, I swore I was going to be nice!
I guess I’m not very good at this “complimenting the horrible people” thing. Sorry.