GOP Faults Obama For Not Using A Looper

Every time you kick back, thinking the GOP can’t go any farther over the edge, some fool opens his or her mouth (that’s right Michelle Bachmann, we’re thinking of you) and lets fly with another absurd claim.

This week it was John Sununu’s turn to take the train to Crazy Town, U. S. A. In an interview with the New York Times, he claimed President Obama didn’t deserve credit for killing Osama bin Laden because he could have done it sooner.

That’s right. Sooner.

There are several possible explanations for Sununu’s comments.

A. Sununu has seen the movie Looper and believes Osama could have been sent back to the past and killed by President Obama in, oh, say 2009. No, Why not September 10, 2001. Hell. Why didn’t Obama just go ahead and kill Osama when he was in grade school?

B. Possibly:  Sununu is nuts.

C. Sununu no longer cares about reality because so many supporters on the right have taken up permanent residence in Crazy Town.

How else can anyone account for even a tenth of the absurd comments since President Obama took office. We know it can’t all come down to racism. No one in the GOP is racist. No…ha, ha. No possible way.

So, let’s put ourselves in conservative shoes and try to understand a few of their most cherished beliefs:

OBAMA DIDN’T FAIRLY WIN THE ELECTION IN 2008. The American people loved Bambi from the North and grumpy Grandpa McCain. ACORN stole the election. Dead people and illegal aliens stormed the polls. Unregistered people voted, once, twice, oh, the horror…a thousand times! They dressed up as Sasquatch and Ronald McDonald and the Tin Man and still nobody checked ID’s and stopped them and now we’re stuck with a black president! No, no, we’re not racist.

OBAMA CAN’T BE WINNING IN THE POLLS NOW. Impossible. You can’t fool me, I’m a genius and you people are libertards and I refuse to believe anything that might make me sad. La, la, la, I’m putting my hands over my ears and closing my eyes and if I can’t see the polls they don’t exist. And if they did, it wouldn’t matter because pollsters are part of a vast liberal plot.

OBAMA HAS NO BIRTH CERTIFICATE. So, la, la, la, I don’t have to admit that we have a dark-skinned president. Besides, now we have proof that Obama’s dad was Frank Marshall Davis, a Communist Party USA propagandist. And we believe that, too, even though it would mean he does have a birth certificate and that proves he’s American and can be president; but no, la, la, la, he’s still black and I’m closing my eyes really, really tight.

SCIENTISTS ARE LIBERALS/LIARS, TOO. Oh, sure. They claim the Arctic ice sheet was reduced to half its normal extent this summer; and maybe they do have those “pictures” from space which they claim came from “satellites.” Well, then, if all the polar ice is melting, how come I can still get ice out of my refrigerator?

DON’T WORRY IF YOU GET RAPED. Don’t listen if your doctor tells you that you’re pregnant. He’s just a lying scientist of a different type. You can’t get pregnant because rape sperm are different. Next week Michelle Bachman is going to prove if you get hit by a bus you’re like Superman and can’t be crushed. (But if you get hit by a bus and you’re gay, you can be cured.)

OBAMA CARE IS SOCIALIZED MEDICINE but Medicare is totally different. Forcing good, upstanding tax payers to pay for socialized medicine for low-income families and kids is what Hitler would have done if he didn’t have all those gas chambers. Patriotic conservatives want to save socialized medicine for millions of angry old Tea Party types, instead. So we’re going down to the Romney rally with our guns and our walkers…and…okay, if these people weren’t so old this one wouldn’t even make sense to them.

Well, did we remind you lately that the BUSH TAX CUTS ARE WORKING? Oh, baby!!! All we need to do is maybe send Grover Norquist and a few Tea Party stalwarts back through time to make this conservative fiscal system work. Then we watch the economy grow and grow and grow.

Under President Romney, of course.

Best of all, starting in 2013, the RYAN BUDGET WILL FIX THE DEFICIT. First we’re going to reduce taxes by $5 trillion and help struggling billionaires. Then we’re going to eliminate all the loopholes the middle class likes to abuse. And the $5 trillion in tax cuts won’t add to the deficit because we’re going to repeal math.

Romney and Ryan are going to win. If our ticket doesn’t prevail there can only be one explanation. The illegal aliens voted again.

You know:  the ones from outer space.

Paul Ryan recently blamed Obama for not saving the GM plant in Janesville, Wisconsin.

Too bad it closed while a Republican was in the White House.

There’s never a looper around when you need one.