The second presidential debate is over and in the town of Romneyland, Red State, US of A, the birds are chirping (they always do), the sun is shining (it always does), the trees are just the right height, and Fox News is playing in every living room.
Come on! Let’s take a tour of the place Mitt Romney calls home. Look. There’s the famous “Statue of the Man with the Bag Over His Head,” depicting President George W. Bush, a person no one here in Romneyland really wants to remember.
“Okay, let’s stop this ordinary citizen walking down the sidewalk and ask about taxes. He has tea bags on his hat. Your name sir?”
“Mr. Norquist, what did you think last night when Mr. Romney mentioned that the top 5 percent of American taxpayers pay 60 percent of the income taxes?”
“It was heartbreaking, you know? Clearly, it shows the top 5 percent are getting killed by Obama and his policies. I don’t know how Bill Gates, with only $66 billion, gets up in the morning! And what about all those people struggling to get by? I’m thinking of job creators like Ron Perelman, who does leveraged buyouts, who has only $12 billion left after all the crippling taxes. I’m thinking of Rupert Murdoch? He’s down to his last $9.4 billion. And the guys I feel bad for are people like Paul Singer, who works so hard setting up hedge funds. All he has to show for it is a paltry $1.1 billion.”
We talk to Grover a little longer..then we head for the unemployment office. After all, Governor Romney brings up those 23 million Americans he says can’t find good jobs every chance he gets and talks repeatedly about the increasing number of people on food stamps since President Obama took office.
Mitt wants us to know how much he cares. He said last night he cares about 100% of the American people. He cares about the short ones, the tall ones, the kind ones, the fine ones, and all the fish in the sea. He cares about the 1%.
He really cares about the 1%!!!
He cares about the 3% who are gay, although not so much he thinks they should marry. He cares about the 47% who think they’re victims. Mitt cares so much for that group he’d like them to learn to take responsibility for their own lives and stop seeing themselves as victims. Mitt cares for the 8% who are left-handed, the 11% who play fantasy football, the 28% who love cats more than dogs, the 31% who think Obama is a Muslim, and the 52% who can name more characters on Jersey Shore than justices on the U. S. Supreme Court.
Mitt wants us to know he’s going to give tax cuts to nearly everyone, even Snooki and Justice Scalia. He’s going to increase defense spending, too, and bomb the crap out of Iran and still balance the budget!
Hmm…Mitt’s not at the unemployment office…let’s head over to the hospital. Here we go…wait… isn’t that Todd Akin sitting in that chair? The fellow in the sweater vest…hey…Rick Santorum. They heard a young girl was brutally beaten and raped last night and they want to make sure she doesn’t get an abortion.
Hear those sirens? An ambulance has pulled up to the emergency room. Doesn’t look good. They’re unloading a patient. They tell me it’s Bob Washington, who lost his job at Senesta last year when Bain Capital bought the entire company and shipped most of the work to China. Now, Bob has no health insurance and he’s been skipping visits to the doctor even though he’s been deathly ill. He had a heart atttack at his apartment fifteen minutes ago; but in Romneyland no one dies at home.
Toss ‘em into the back of an ambulance and dump ‘em off at the emergency room. And then pray. They pray a lot here in Romneyland, Red State, USA.
Speaking of sirens, there goes a cop car. There’s a report of a kid at the high school who’s in this country illegally. Juan’s parents brought him to Romneyland when he was six and he’s an honor roll student, eight months from graduation. This is the only country he really knows but Mitt said not long ago he would veto the Dream Act and make sure that Juan and everyone else like him was deported.
During the debate, though, a Latino women asked Mitt about his position on immigration and Mitt said he really cares now about people like Juan and he really, really hopes they will stay.
Here in Romneyland they don’t call it a lie unless Fox News says it is.
(I think Romney said something last night about having a whole binder full of capable women and a scrapbook full of happy Latinos.)
Over there a new Wal-Mart is going in, which means dozens of small businesses are going to be squashed. Here in Romneyland, though, everyone blames President Obama for every business failure and job lost since Black Friday in 1929. Jim Walton is coming to town for the opening. Walton is worth $26.8 billion and he’s voting for Romney. Otherwise, his taxes will go up 3% and if that should happen he’ll never hit $27 billion.
Down the block, is that a crowd gathering? Are those Wal-Mart workers demanding better pay? In this town they don’t stand for any workers joining unions. After all, if 10,000 employees won $5,000 raises, it would flat out destroy a healthy business environment. Here in Red State, folks understand economics. Only a communist would be crazy enough to think Jim Walton had an extra $50 million to just be throwing around.
Well, time is growing short and there’s still so much to see: There’s the new oil pipeline that runs through what used to be a national park. Screw those stupid animals. (Cough, cough.) Sorry…all the smoke from the new coal plant is stinging my eyes.