Top 8 New Career Picks For Paul Ryan (HUMOR)

Author: November 4, 2012 6:06 pm

Mitt and Ann Romney driving a station wagon with Paul Ryan in a dog carrier on top with his tongue lolling out.Vice Presidential Candidate Paul Ryan’s campaign raised eyebrows last week when it leaked a list of Ryan’s future career prospects. Strangely enough, — although Associated Press (AP’s) Phillip Elliot assures us that Ryan’s prospects are bright — neither “Vice President of the United States” nor “Congressman (R-WI)” appeared on this list. Is it possible that Ryan’s campaign expects him to lose his congressional seat as well as his bid for vice president? Or are they just hedging their bets?

Luckily for this celebratty politician, the world is his oyster. Ryan also has a handy role model to follow, in the similarly youthful, mediagenic, and base-energizing former Vice Presidential Candidate Sarah Palin (Bill Maher already very aptly compared Ryan and Palin: “Somehow he’s the smartest guy in the party and she’s the stupidest woman on earth, but they agree on everything.”)

Although the possibilities are endless, we here at Addicting Info had narrowed them down to the top seven new career picks for our vice presidential candidate:

(1) All-around celebrity: Ryan can do the talk show circuit, land a spot on FOX News (no facts necessary), appear on “Dancing With the Stars: The Teabagger Edition,” license his appearance to Mattel for a special collection of action figures … the possibilities are endless.


Paul Ryan's head placed on top of various Ken dolls.

Introducing Mattel’s new Paul Ryan: The 2012 Ken Collection. Barbie’s never had it so good!

(2) Fitness expert and motivational speaker: You, too, can run a marathon in 2 hours and 50 minutes! Plus, when you’re “Ripped Like Ryan,” you won’t NEED no stinkin’ Medicare!

Paul Ryan pumping iron with shirtless Joe Biden in the background.

“I’m WAY hotter than that old geezer 47% moocher.” Image from Jen Chung via Mashable.

(3) Oscar Meyer Salesman: Ryan’s extensive experience in selling baloney to voters amply qualifies him to return to the only private sector job he has ever held.

Oscar Mayer's weinermobile.

The perfect ride for a perfect weenie. Photo from the Oscar Meyer Weiner Mobile facebook page.

(4) Obama toilet paper spokesman: When Ryan peddles Obama brand toilet paper (with a photo of the president on each individual sheet, and the inspiring tagline, “Hope and change your shorts”), it’ll be a lot like campaigning with his former running mate, only more high-minded. Yes, dear reader, I’m afraid this product really does exist.

roll of toilet paper with President Obama's face on it.

Photo from Amazon.com’s product pages.

(5) Palm Beach County Sugar Baby: With his boyish good looks and toned physique, Ryan could easily find a “sugar mama” in Palm Beach County, FL, where sleaze meets the palm trees. Since appearing at Marc “vulture capitalist sex party” Leder’s fundraiser in Boca Raton last month, his new contacts could probably line up a few cougar divorcees.

Romney campaign fundraiser Marc Leder and VP Presidential candidate naked in a pool tossing around a beach ball.

Naked pool party plutocrat Marc Leder can hook Ryan up!

(6) K-Street Lobbyist: This would be different than his work as a congressman … um … how?

Paul Ryan -- family photo

Paul Ryan getting cozy with a Washington DC lobbyist — his wife Janna (who has lobbied for America’s much-loved cigar, nuclear, and pharmaceutical industries) — and their children. Photo courtesy of Paul Ryan’s facebook page.

(7) President for Life of a third world tax haven: Mitt Romney has lots of contacts with the folks in charge of these nations, and it’s the least he can do for wrecking Ryan’s political career.

Paul Ryan in suit scratching self?

See? He’s already got the Napoleon/dictator thang down.

(8) Added, by popular demand: Playing Eddie Munster in Hollywood remake of “The Munsters.”

Paul Ryan as Eddie Munster from "The Addams Family" (you know, with the widow's peak & all)

He’s a total shoo-in for the part! (Photo mash up from Daily Kos — Thank you!)

Elisabeth Parker is a writer, Web designer, mom, political junkie, and dilettante. Come visit her at ElisabethParker.Com, friend her on facebook, or follow her on Twitter.

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