Vice Presidential Candidate Paul Ryan’s campaign raised eyebrows last week when it leaked a list of Ryan’s future career prospects. Strangely enough, — although Associated Press (AP’s) Phillip Elliot assures us that Ryan’s prospects are bright — neither “Vice President of the United States” nor “Congressman (R-WI)” appeared on this list. Is it possible that Ryan’s campaign expects him to lose his congressional seat as well as his bid for vice president? Or are they just hedging their bets?
Luckily for this celebratty politician, the world is his oyster. Ryan also has a handy role model to follow, in the similarly youthful, mediagenic, and base-energizing former Vice Presidential Candidate Sarah Palin (Bill Maher already very aptly compared Ryan and Palin: “Somehow he’s the smartest guy in the party and she’s the stupidest woman on earth, but they agree on everything.”)
Although the possibilities are endless, we here at Addicting Info had narrowed them down to the top seven new career picks for our vice presidential candidate:
(1) All-around celebrity: Ryan can do the talk show circuit, land a spot on FOX News (no facts necessary), appear on “Dancing With the Stars: The Teabagger Edition,” license his appearance to Mattel for a special collection of action figures … the possibilities are endless.
(2) Fitness expert and motivational speaker: You, too, can run a marathon in 2 hours and 50 minutes! Plus, when you’re “Ripped Like Ryan,” you won’t NEED no stinkin’ Medicare!
(3) Oscar Meyer Salesman: Ryan’s extensive experience in selling baloney to voters amply qualifies him to return to the only private sector job he has ever held.
(4) Obama toilet paper spokesman: When Ryan peddles Obama brand toilet paper (with a photo of the president on each individual sheet, and the inspiring tagline, “Hope and change your shorts”), it’ll be a lot like campaigning with his former running mate, only more high-minded. Yes, dear reader, I’m afraid this product really does exist.
(5) Palm Beach County Sugar Baby: With his boyish good looks and toned physique, Ryan could easily find a “sugar mama” in Palm Beach County, FL, where sleaze meets the palm trees. Since appearing at Marc “vulture capitalist sex party” Leder’s fundraiser in Boca Raton last month, his new contacts could probably line up a few cougar divorcees.
(6) K-Street Lobbyist: This would be different than his work as a congressman … um … how?
(7) President for Life of a third world tax haven: Mitt Romney has lots of contacts with the folks in charge of these nations, and it’s the least he can do for wrecking Ryan’s political career.
(8) Added, by popular demand: Playing Eddie Munster in Hollywood remake of “The Munsters.”