Election Day ARMAGEDDON! A Swing State Voter Survival Guide (HUMOR)

Election Day Armageddon! A Swing State Survival Guide

© Elisabeth Parker, 11/05/2012 for Addicting Info

If you live in a swing state, you’ve probably heard about all the outrageous stuff Republicans and Tea Party-affiliated groups are doing to keep you from voting this Election Day. Never fear, Addicting Info is here to help, with our handy-dandy Election Day Armageddon Swing State Voter Survival Guide. Just print this out, pack all the stuff on our list, and we guarantee that you will emerge from your local polling station with flying colors.

List of items to pack before heading out to your swing state polling adventure:

    1. The usual items: Water, extra food, first aid kit, water, comfortable shoes, and an extra layer in case it gets cold out.
    2. Horses and bayonets: When your local Tea Party branch attacks, you’ll be glad you brought reinforcemments.
    3. Smart phone with a lawyer on speed dial: You’ll also need your cell phone to upload videos to YouTube when voter suppression agents … erm … polling place volunteers insist that you died years ago.

  1. Whistle and pepper spray: So you won’t rape too easy. Given the vile proclivities of the “family values” crowd, we recommend these items for young boys as well as women.
  2. Travel pouch: Keep your identification, proof of address, and proof of citizenship with you at all times, and file notarized copies in a safe deposit box at a bank that isn’t evil. Like, maybe a credit union.

Just to be on the safe side, you should also consider bringing the following items:

  1. The light of Eärendil: For when all other lights go out.
  2. A face mask: If you have brown skin, you will probably need to wear a mask or other disguise to avoid harassment (veils and burqas NOT recommended).
  3. “Elimination jar”: In case no bathroom facilities are available and you can’t hold it in for longer than eight hours.

Elisabeth Parker is a writer, Web designer, mom, political junkie, and dilettante. Come visit her at ElisabethParker.Com, friend her on facebook, or follow her on Twitter.