It’s so hard to believe that after the 2012 election began in January 2009, we’re but 24 hours away from decided if Mitt Romney can successfully steal the election. It’s even harder to believe that Romney was almost bested by a dude who’s last name you cannot search for while at work, and who thinks same-sex marriage will lead to man-dog marriage. Seriously, Mitt Romney could barely beat that guy. But let’s face it, we always knew that it would be Mittens, although the inane clown posse certainly provided this comic/writer with enough material to fill the ozone. There was Herman Cain’s unconventional concept of fidelity, Michele Bachmann’s HPV craziness, Newt Gingrich’s Dickensian child work model, and Clint Eastwood’s cantankerous old man hating furniture bit. And, of course, Rick Perry completed me at “oops.” Seriously, Republicans disliked Romney so much that they were all ecstatic about a Republican former governor from Texas as a presidential candidate. In a sense, the Republican nomination process was a lot like slowly unwrapping a Christmas gift knowing full well that it’s just a crappy Christmas sweater. So Mitt Romney is a crappy Christmas sweater.
Gaffes are to politicians what greed is to Wall Street; they simply can not exist without them, and avoiding them is not humanly possible. And since Romney’s human credentials are largely suspect (corporations are more like people than he is), the corporate mannequin was tripping all over himself. He may not be able to drink caffeine, but he guzzles gaffeine like a freshman frat pledge. And in the time it took me to write that sentence, Romney just offending a group of people that didn’t previously exist as the man was born with a silver foot in his mouth.
The 5 Greatest Campaign Gaffes by Mitt Romney:
1. “I have some friends who are NASCAR team owners,” said Romney during a visit to Florida’s Daytona International Speedway (Huffington Post) This is how Mittie Rich relates to the average voter (or plebeian man servants) in order to convince them to vote against their economic self-interests. Romney doesn’t like anything that he can’t outsource, so that would have to include NASCAR.
2. “You know it’s hard to know just how well it will turn out,” Romney said in an interview regarding London’s Olympic preparedness. “There are a few things that were disconcerting. The stories about the private security firm not having enough people, the supposed strike of the immigration and customs officials – that obviously is not something which is encouraging.” (CNN) How can you manage to alienate our longest and greatest ally? Nonetheless, the major flub earned Romney the befitting epithet “Mitt the Twit”.
3. During one of the gazillion Republican Primary Debates, Mitt Romney looked to Rick Perry and bet him $10,000 to see if Perry could find any changes in the text of his health care proposals in his book. Because of there’s any way to prove to America that you’re not some heartless, unfeeling vulture capitalist who places money above all else, it’s with a $10,000 bet during an economic collapse.
4. “There are 47 percent who are with him, who are dependent upon government, who believe that they are victims,” said the Real Romney during a secretly taped $50,000-a-plate dinner fundraiser. (Mother Jones) Of course Romney must have turned pretty red (not the Latino brown) after it was discovered that 47 percent of non-tax paying citizens all come from red states.
5. “Corporations are people, my friend,” Romney said during a raucous town hall at the Iowa State Fair following taunts from the crowd. Well, I don’t recall anyone ever outsourcing me to a cheaper haven when they grew tired of my friendship. So that must mean that Romney makes Gordon Gekko look like AFL-CIO President Richard Trumka, as the multi-millionaire mannequin appears readily willing to sell America to the highest bidder.
Michael is a comedian/VO artist/Columnist extraordinaire, who co-wrote an award-nominated comedy, produces a chapter of Laughing Liberally, wrote for NY Times Laugh Lines, guest-blogged for Joe Biden, and writes a column for MSNBC.com affiliated Cagle Media. Follow him on Twitter and Facebook, and like NJ Laughing Liberally Lab if you love political humor from a progressive point-of-view. Seriously, follow him or he’ll send you a photo of Rush Limbaugh bending over in a thong.