There’s a video making the rounds, crossing politically partisan lines, bringing a deeply divided people back together, as they watch, exclaim “what the hell was that!?” and share it. I had three friends (one a conservative) send me a link to it, and then a few more sending me a link to Gawker’s article about it. It is something else, you guys.
Conservative Shelly Dankert in Nebraska is SO MAD, y’all. She works her fingers to the bone, posting to Facebook and Twitter and YouTube and her blog all darn day, and you expletive not-even-a-little-bit deleteds won’t even share her posts and “conservative videos” because you’re scared all your little friends won’t like you any more. Oh, you “like” her posts, but do you share them? No, sir, you do not. You are bad Americans, not wanting offend people or something. *scoff!* You are what is wrong with America, you know, you namby-pamby pussies. If you had just shared Shelly’s posts and tweets and videos, Mitt Romney would totally be President right now.
The video, which is mostly a dark screen with Ms. Dankert hollering at the top of her lungs about how she’s feeling (she is, um, unhappy)–punctuated with occasional brief glimpses of the saddest, dankest troll-lair you’ll ever see–starts off with a bang. “How do you like the fact that Obama won the fucking election? Is that settling well with you? It’s not settling well with me!” How do I feel about it? Simply super, thanks for asking.
Ms. Dankert spends nearly a half hour shouting about how not all right everything is. Also, it’s your fault. Remember that. She overcame hardship and nearly insurmountable obstacles to become the world-famous pundit she is today. ”I have busted my ass over the last four years! [ice clinks in her glass] I just got a computer four years ago, so excuse me, it took me about a year to learn how to use it!” Some of her videos have a million views, people! A MILLION! How on earth do you get a million YouTube views if you aren’t filming a cat video, a baby biting his brother’s finger, people eating spoonfuls of cinnamon, OK Go! on treadmills, Anonymous dancing to “Tunak Tunak Tun” in front of a Scientology culthive, or a funny song about current Internet obsessions (preferably with a ukelele), I ASK YOU? IT CAN’T BE DONE.
“Figure out how to use the fucking Internet or get the fuck off of it!” You have a whole year to learn how to use your computer, people, and if you still haven’t figured it out, you’re a lost cause!
Ms. Dankert slowly loses her ever-loving mind as more election results keep trickling in. “Take a look, assholes, look at your f**king work! [points camera at Drudge Report homepage displayed on computer screen, showing Obama gaining in popular votes] Looooook. Can you read those totals!?” (Well, of course she reads Drudge. What a surprise.)
Ms. Dankert is apparently struggling financially and asking for donations “to buy food” on her blog, childless, and living alone. As Gawker commenter f’(AllNeonLike) notes, “For all the railing against socialism and Obamaphones, she sure is begging for donations for food on her blog.”
A very sad woman. If you run into her, please be kind. She has suffered a loss.
She spends a lot of time combing the Internet for articles that reflect her opinions, sharing links, and making videos. Why won’t you share her stuff?! “God! I’m sick and tired of this shit! I spend hours upon hours upon hours mining the news and finding stuff to post for you to share with other people.”
Gawker commenter pdxwhy has an opinion about that:
What really gets me is that she says she got a computer only 4 years ago, and it took her a while to use it. So she put all her considerable energy into developing blog sites and videos…against President Obama. Not starting her business, not making money (like many of bootstrapping conservatives that I happen to know) not doing anything particularly constructive for the conservative movement, like networking with other conservative women and helping her community. How sad is she. Sad.
If you haven’t shared her opinions with your friends, then you’re useless! “Get off the fucking Internet! You are of no use to anybody! [ice cubes clink] Shut your fucking accounts down! Shut your fucking mouths and fall in line and love socialist America, because that’s what you’ve got!”
Ms. Dankert shows a few glimmers of self-awareness now and again. “You want to call me unhinged? I am! You’d be right. I am totally fucking unhinged right now!”
She is seething with monomaniacal lunacy–the basic concept seems to be that were her compelling conservative videos and links shared more, Romney would have won. Therefore her Internet fame equals the triumph of conservatism and Romney, and perhaps even Jesus Christ Himself. “Namby-Pamby.” Sounds like Kathy Bates in “Misery.”
Every step closer to Obama winning not just the necessary electoral college votes but also the popular vote, serves to infuriate her further. “Look! It just got closer! [...] So Romney isn’t even going to get the popular vote! Fuck you! All you goddamn Ron Paul supporters, you Gary Johnson-voting douchebags, kiss my ass!”
Ms. Dankert invites all the conservatives who didn’t share her opinions to come over and break into her bedroom in the middle of the night, ostensibly to fight. I’m not sure what’s going on with that. It’s an unusual twist on the usual Internet Tough Guy routine, which usually involves the ITG threatening to visit other people. “Come on over! I’ll fucking kill you and I’ll enjoy doing it!”
She’s drunk, angry and sad, and she wants to fight! “Go to hell, Libertarians! [...] You helped Obama win, you fucking assholes! And there is a very large segment of society that will never forgive you for that!”
Breaking news: “The United States of America is now officially a socialist country!” Even more socialist-er than it was before the election, you guys. So very socialist-y. The socialist-est. Sharing sucks!
Obviously this is an extreme example but I am so, so sick of hearing words like “socialism” and “communism” thrown around by people who heard about it from Glen Beck but couldn’t define it with a dictionary. Obamacare is not socialized medicine. A single payer system will not come to pass in the next 4 years (although I would be thrilled if it did) but whenever I ask someone who rails about the evils of socialized medicine what, exactly, they are against they give me all this bullshit about wait times and a lower level of care. Do those things exist in some healthcare systems? Yes…not because it’s a socialized healthcare system but rather because of the specific type of healthcare system in those countries. However, all of the 10 most healthy countries, the countries with the best healthcare systems, are either fully socialist or have a strong socialized aspect mixed with private insurance companies (e.g., Switzerland). I have finally landed on something that not a single one of these people, so far at least, has been able to really rebut: Would you rather wait a few extra weeks, even a month, six weeks, for a non-essential surgery (knee replacement, et cetera) or receive a bill for $30k?
Anyhow, this woman really thinks that her thoughts, posts, opinions, etc should be exalted and celebrated the whole world over, doesn’t she? If she is looking for a career in right-wing punditry she is well on her way with her anger and ego, isn’t she?
Who voted for Obama? “The people who got free Obamaphones, the people who thought Obama was going to pay for their gas!” You mean the “Obamaphone” program that Reagan started in 1985, helping the needy with the cost of land lines, or the “Obamaphone” program expanded under Bush II to include mobile phones? Those “Obamaphones”?
“England is trying to get rid of their healthcare system!” That’s why they celebrated it during the Olympics, because it is failing, you guys, and they are trying to get rid of it.
“Every socialist country in the world is failing!” There are a number of countries which would beg to differ.
“I’m not a nice girl, I’m a bitch!” There, there. But she is more patriotic than you and the President are: ”Born on the fucking Fourth of July… Obama never even attended a Fourth of July parade!”
The White House, on the 4th of July.
The Obamas, nowhere near a 4th of July parade or celebration.
POTUS and FLOTUS totally boycotting Independence Day.
“God all-fucking-mighty! If you people would just think!” You doodyheads!
“I thought this election would be a landslide, but I’ve been thinking that for four years, it’s a little hard to change [my] mind now.” Cognitive dissonance is a bitch.
Ms. Dankert also yells at viewers for being snoopy about the contents of her sad, 1970′s basement rumpus room-style wood-paneling-enhanced room, then gives us a detailed tour: two computer monitors (one darkened because Facebook was making her all woeface), a TV perched on a couch, a pack of cigarettes and an ashtray, a trash can, some chips and some cheese dip (her supper), beer, some motherfucking butterscotch schnapps. I’m not sure why she felt the need to yell about that stuff. (Uh…I LIKE CHEESE DIP, TOO!)
On the plus side, Ms. Dankert has some choice words for some of the stupidest elements of the right wing. ”Obama was born in fucking Hawaii. There’s two goddamn newspaper reports about it and you think both of them are faked…you’re dumber than shit! So don’t ever communicate with me, don’t ever post anything I post, unfriend me, block me, get the fuck rid of me…we can’t waste our time on your bullshit anymore, so go the fuck away.”
Gawker commenter durr_fart urges compassion, and reminds us that Ms. Dankert is not completely trapped within the FOX News reality distortion infobubble yet:
If you listen to it all the way to the end, she calms down. She still has little outbursts, but then goes on a rant against Conservative conspiracy theorists, where she pans Birthers, Truthers, the “Obama is a Muslim” crowd, the “Breitbart was murdered” crowd. I don’t think she’s crazy. I think she’s just drunk, dead broke, deeply angry, lonely, and feels that Obama is simply bad for the economy. I’m a socialist but I can understand her anger — I’d be angry and scared if Mitt won. Let’s not pick on her.
Dude, the woman wanted Sarah Palin to run for President. She’s still proudly flag-waving for Sister Sarah, who is possibly the least qualified, most narcissistic, least informed and most ignorant politician in living memory. There’s only so much slack that can be cut.
While we are on the subject of butthurt Republicans, Raw Story demonstrates that Stephen Colbert once again has perfect the art of parody, as he nutshells the typical disappointed conservative response to Obama’s re-election:
Wednesday night on “The Colbert Report,” host Stephen Colbert greeted the news of President Barack Obama’s re-election eating cheese popcorn and wearing an old bathrobe.
“What are you people doing here?” he asked the crowd blearily. “Shouldn’t you be out celebrating? Because, evidently,” he said, popcorn flying as his voice rose to a shout, “YOU DON’T LISTEN TO ANYTHING I SAY.”
“I’ve been bringing you the truth,” he continued, “hot and hard, now, for seven years! And how do you repay me? Four more years of hopey change!”
“I DO IT FOR AMERICA!”
I did find one thing interesting: after screeching (repeatedly) about how no one ever wants to share her posts and videos, Ms. Dankert set this video so it can’t be embedded–shared–with anyone. Wait, what?
Seriously, though, if you know Ms. Dankert personally, be nice: she needs a hug…and some more schnapps.