Hey Secession States: If You Want To Secede, You Will No Longer Receive A Penny Of Federal Dollars

Author: November 14, 2012 3:40 pm

Ever since the Kenyan Socialist won a second term in the most uproarious fashion possible, Teabaggers and their miserably (and hilariously) uninformed ilk are irate. Further, they’re essentially throwing the tantrum of a child who didn’t get what he wanted for Christmas. For their part, democracy is only acceptable when a really, really white guy wins.

From Texas to even Pennsylvania (it’s Pittsburgh and Philly and Alabama in between), overgrown man-children are petitioning that we return to the darkest and bloodiest time in history. This is all because the president wants to put the blood-sucking health insurance vampires in check, as well as proposing Clinton-level moderate increases to marginal tax rates. Bear in mind that this misguided anger is not only coming from the very people who have seen their taxes go down, but from the people who reside in economically backward red states, which receive more federal money than they put in. Perhaps their secession fever would be tempered a bit if we told them that the white part of President Obama won this time around?

About 700,000 people, from all 50 states, have signed petitions on a White House web site seeking permission from the Obama administration for their states to secede from the country and create new governments, according to Philly.com.

Texas, reportedly garnering 99,000 signatures so far and thus well above the 25,000 signature (see White House” We The People” website regarding new petition program in the interest of better transparency) threshold, appears to the first state to throw off the yoke of tyranny that exists only in their extremely narrow heads. But seriously, they appear to be the first state that some poor White House intern will be forced to politely dismiss in a formal letter. Indeed, everything is bigger in Texas; even the ignorance. Honestly, if we finally give Texas back to Mexico it will save us a whole crap load of tedious paperwork.


But the more flagrantly hypocritical issue here, however, is that the states petitioning to secede (or the ones that want to “secdee”) receive the most federal funding per tax dollar paid. Awe shucks, don’t you just hate it when reality rains on your perfectly crazy parade?!

Among some of the most vociferous secession states are Alabama and Mississippi, both of which are two of the leading recipients of government handouts.

(Oh sweet land of Government Subsidy! Map shows that it’s the lazy red states that suck at the ample bosom of the Government provided by all those so-called “Marxist” Blue States. Image provided by The Tax Foundation)

1. D.C. ($6.17)
2. North Dakota ($2.03)
3. New Mexico ($1.89)
4. Mississippi ($1.84)
5. Alaska ($1.82)
6. West Virginia ($1.74)
7. Montana ($1.64)
8. Alabama ($1.61)
9. South Dakota ($1.59)
10. Arkansas ($1.53)”

So for all the morons wanting to secede since you’ll never succeed: If you want to play dress-up, secede and pretend that you’re not in fact indolent moochers feeding off the government like Rush Limbaugh at China Buffet, you must forego all the precious tax dollars you receive from all the blue states that have been carrying you since forever. If not, then it may behoove you to secede your head from your arse. Also, that romantic era of slavery you pine for so much didn’t have electricity, smart phones, or widespread indoor plumbing. But since you’re all about blindly worshiping the constitution, like it’s not a living, breathing document that requires certain modifications to meet the needs of an ever-growing and sophisticated society, this shouldn’t be a problem for you.

Michael is a comedian/VO artist/Columnist extraordinaire, who co-wrote an award-nominated comedy, produces a chapter of Laughing Liberally, wrote for NY Times Laugh Lines, guest-blogged for Joe Biden, and writes a column for MSNBC.com affiliated Cagle Media. Follow him on Twitter and Facebook, and like NJ Laughing Liberally Lab if you love political humor from a progressive point-of-view. Seriously, follow him or he’ll send you a photo of Rush Limbaugh bending over in a thong.

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