Fox News Focuses On Benghazi While Evil Unions Kill Twinkie

Author: November 17, 2012 12:01 pm

IF YOU WATCH A LOT OF FOX NEWS, you might be forgiven if you failed to notice when British Petroleum agreed this week to fork out $4.5 billion in fines and penalties for the Gulf Oil Spill. You might be forgiven, too, if you’ve forgotten that eleven American workers died in April 2010, when the Deepwater Horizon rig exploded and sank.

In fact, if the right-wing folks at Fox News had taken a little more time to cover the story you might have been encouraged to know that criminal charges have now been filed against three BP employees. Unfortunately, Fox News would rather thump the same old drums and run a thousand reports about the death of four other Americans in Benghazi. You know the moral of every Fox story: President Obama lied.

If you really worry about lying, though, you might recall that BP did everything it could two years ago to cover up how much oil was spilling into the Gulf of Mexico after their oil rig went down. You might note that BP has already acknowledged hiding documents and providing false information to the U. S. House of Representatives when lawmakers sought to uncover the oily truth.

Hey, don’t worry, BP leaders told lawmakers! We’re only leaking 5,000 barrels daily. We’ve got this all under control.

Behind close doors, however, company experts believed the flow could easily be twelve times as great. David Rainey, a senior executive for the company, is alleged to have turned to Wikipedia in an effort to gather information about spill-testing methodology and then lying when formulas showed the leak might be as much as 92,000 barrels per day. A fourth employee, Kurt Mix, has already been charged with obstruction of justice for deleting 200 text messages related to company estimates of the rate of flow.

In other words, if you weren’t distracted by all the blond Fox News bimbos who sell the same tired company line, you might give the federal government credit if you remembered BP has already paid $9 billion in damages to individuals, other businesses along the coast, and local and state governments. Or you might…

“Benghazi, Benghazi, Benghazi….”

…be happy to know that BP expects to pay an additional $7.8 billion to those who suffered economic harm from the spill. And if you gave it some thought you might realize, no matter how much right-wing fantasy news you consume every day, that sometimes government isn’t the problem.

It’s the bleepin’ solution.


You could put 2 and 2 together and actually come up with 4 (or you could spend more lost hours like the ones you wasted watching Fox experts assure you that the polls were wrong and Barack Hussein Obama could never win re-election.). You might note that criminal fines paid by BP were the highest since Pfizer paid $1.3 billion for illegally marketing various drugs in 2009.

Oh no. Oh no. You’d rather switch over to Fox Business News and hear how evil unions killed Hostess Brands and snatched Twinkies out of the hands of freedom-loving Americans everywhere. Oh, bad, bad, bad unions!

You could just keep your conservative head up your conservative ass and ignore unpleasant realities. Let’s hear it for Walmart, for example. The company has recently put a real dent in unemployment. Yes! By putting three hundred lawyers to work investigating violations of the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act. That’s how you create jobs, you damn liberals!

Want to open up more stores in Mexico (2,200 plus as of today) or Brazil (534) or China (384)? Bribe a few officials and drive out local competition. Don’t think about this now, loyal Fox viewers, but that would mean in China that your Walmart heroes were funneling cash into the hands of communist officials.

You want lying? You’ve got it. Walmart knew about the illegal activities in Mexico seven years ago, but company executives at the Bentonville, Arkansas headquarters covered up the story. According to the New York Times:

In October 2005, a former lawyer for Wal-Mart de Mexico had spent hours telling company investigators how Wal-Mart de Mexico’s leadership had orchestrated a vast campaign of bribery to accelerate expansion. Hundreds of bribes, he said, were paid to obtain construction permits and other licenses needed to open new stores. The lawyer’s accusations were especially powerful because he had been in charge of getting permits for Wal-Mart de Mexico’s new stores.

This might all be depressing if you were a Tea Party thinker, which may actually be an oxymoron, who insists all business leaders are altruistic patriots and government officials and union leaders are all crooks and communists. So you could rummage around for good news elsewhere. Hey, did you hear about Jon Corzine, former Democratic senator and governor of New Jersey? He’s a crook. That’s what Republicans on the House Financial Services Committee have determined.

No, wait, that doesn’t really help a right-winger’s case. Corzine is a crook related to business, his crimes tied to work at MF Global, a company that lost billions for customers, making questionable deals.

Well, how about this story: the Food and Drug Administration is investigating reports that energy drinks have been cited in the deaths of at least 13 consumers? Nope. That’s no good. How about the EPA catching Hyundai and Kia purposely over-estimating the gas mileage their cars achieve? And the fact the companies have agreed to issue refunds to customers to pay for the difference? Nope. Doesn’t help, either. What about Bank of America being sued by MBIA, an insurer, related to losses related to Countrywide Finance? Nah. That story can best be summed up as crooks in business suing other crooks in business.

Um…JP Morgan Chase and Credit Suisse settling with the Securities and Exchange Commission on Friday and agreeing to pay $417 million in penalties for packaging and selling troubled mortgage securities to investors?

You know, it has to be depressing to be a loyal Fox News viewer these days. But there’s always sports for diversion! Hey, here’s a story: Taxpayers agreed to fork over $515 million to help build a new ballpark for the Florida Marlins and now they’re mad because owner Jeffrey Loria promised he’d field a first-class team–but he’s cynically cutting payroll by trading away all his stars. Well, you know what Mitt Romney said. You give these people like Loria all kinds of “gifts” and, sure, they vote for you!

Meanwhile, in a story you might have missed on “Fox and Friends,” FiveThirtyEight, Nathan Silver’s blog, reports that gay, lesbian and bixsexual voters, who make up 5% of the electorate, supported President Obama by 76% to 22%. And this support was probably the difference in swinging Ohio and Florida his way. It’s enough to make a conservative choke on his or her Twinkie.

THAT IS: IF THEY STILL had one.

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