Gun Sales Up Among Terminally Paranoid Crackpots Following Obama Relection

Author: November 25, 2012 1:57 pm


After the Kenyan Socialist secretly stole the election by apparently doling out gifts to college-aged sluts and brown people, the deranged and hysterically paranoid crackpots weren’t going to O’Bummer get in the way of their of the gun-worshiping orgy. Despite the fact that President Obama did not even brush up against gun control and lobbying for tighter regulations, and despite the fact that gun control was about as visible as climate change (we like to willingly kill ourselves and hate paying for things that actually help us), gun sales are soaring as the demented and deranged gun nuts aren’t to let President Obama take away their guns and force them to read. Not surprisingly, Wall Street manages to benefit.


Paranoia is a surefire investment, with stock in Smith & Wesson surging by 7.5% to $10.13. The tinfoil cap wearing army of doomsday morons seem to fear that some middle-aged ladies on the Supreme Court will collude with their Marxist overlord and eviscerate the second amendment. After all, for these walking Darwin Awards, it’s the Second Amendment and 9 suggestions. There seems to be an enhanced fear that President Obama spent his first term not letting radical Republicans obstruct everything he did, but he was actually secretly buying his time in order to steal guns away from people with the introduction of tighter gun regulations, especially now since he doesn’t have to face reelection and has more of a mandate.

“I have purchased more since the election,said Michael Hill, a resident of Watuga, Texas. Michael is among those believers of no concrete evidence actually being convulsive evidence. Adding, “I hear a lot of buzz about … putting more restrictions in place. There’s a lot of paranoia out there but [Obama] has nothing to lose now because he won’t be re-elected again.”(Source: Star Telegram)

Of course those among us who don’t just breathe, eat and sleep Infowars.com, this perception is as baseless as it’s absurd.

“I personally think it’s very silly,” said Marsha McCartney, a spokeswoman for the Texas chapter of the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence. “The president has not done anything in four years to make them think he’s coming to get their guns. (Source: Star Telegram)

But that’s just elitist liberals trying to preach their communist teachings in order to give true patriots a false sense of security. Don’t tread on me!
Following a sharp rise in deadly gun attacks committed by mentally unstable citizens, President Obama is merely hoping to reign in on all the shoddy loopholes that allow such people from acquiring very deadly weapons. He’s also indicated his desire for reinstating the Clinton era Assault Weapons Ban during on of the Presidential debates. This, of course, just gives added ammunition (now literally) to the doomsday paranoids that make up today’s Republican Party.
Michael is a comedian/VO artist/Columnist extraordinaire, who co-wrote an award-nominated comedy, produces a chapter of Laughing Liberally, wrote for NY Times Laugh Lines, guest-blogged for Joe Biden, and writes a column for MSNBC.com affiliated Cagle Media. Follow him on Twitter and Facebook, and like NJ Laughing Liberally Lab if you love political humor from a progressive point-of-view. Seriously, follow him or he’ll send you a photo of Rush Limbaugh bending over in a thong.

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1 Comment

  • As a marketing gimmick- the Obama Derangement Syndrome/Gun Sell has been a resounding success.

    In more ways than one.

    O.D.S. sufferers hoard guns and ammo. Ammo is explosive. Packratting ammo will lead to dangerous levels of explosives in ODS’s homes.
    Darwinism in action. Much Hilarity ensues.

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