The End Of Condoms? Study Finds Semen Makes Women Happy And Smarter

There are so many horrible HORRIBLE puns to be made here it’s difficult to know where to start. As if women weren’t under enough pressure to go bareback or…ermmm… ingest…now they’ll have to put up with concern trolling? “But baby! It’s good for you! It’s like medicine, I swear!”

Unfortunately, it looks like that might actually be the case. It’s a very sticky situation as Gawker explains:

Using data obtained from an anonymous survey of 293 females on campus, Gordon Gallup and Rebecca Burch, working alongside University of Liverpool psychologist Steven Platek, were able to determine that women who engage in oral sex or have unprotected sex on a regular basis were happier than those who practiced safe sex.

If there’s a better way to see men cheer up than by spreading this information, I can’t think of it. To be sure, it’s bitter news for many women to swallow. Gawker continues:

Of all their findings, perhaps the most interesting was the discovery that sexually active women who usually or always used condoms were on par in their unhappiness with women who abstained from sex altogether.

Gallup and Burch also determined that women with a significant amount of “seminal plasma” in their system have improved concentration, and excel over their semen-deficient counterparts in performing cognitive tasks.

“Seminal plasma?” I can’t…I just…I…I got nothing. I’m shooting literary blanks, as it were. How could you possibly top that?

Obviously a sample of only 293 women is on the small side (no pun intended!) and even if it turns out that semen is a “wonder drug” of sorts, there’s still sexually transmitted diseases to contend with. In other words, a spoonful of sugar may help that medicine go down but I wouldn’t recommend abandoning condoms just yet.

On the other hand, the obvious solution is to put it in a pill and sell it! A 100% natural brain booster? Who wouldn’t want that?! And it puts a smile on your face as long as you don’t think about where it came from? Icing on the cake. The initial outlay would be very cheap: a few comfortable chairs, some specimen cups and a subscription to late night Cinemax! Stephen Colbert is already hard at work in this rapidly growing and excited exciting field!
And what about gay men? Do they perk up after a seminal latte? Could this, at last, be the secret to their fabulousness? What about lesbians? Are they doomed to be less happy than their…ahem…infused straight counterparts? Will the Catholic Church use this information to further condemn condoms? Will refusing God’s little “pick me up” become a sin? This entire subject requires further, intense study. I’m sure male volunteers won’t be hard to come by.

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