Helping Conservatives Heal – You’ve Still Got Plenty of Guns!

These are hard times for you, American conservatives. It’s no secret that the results of the recent election came to you as a shock. So let us offer this article as the first in a series (we hope) designed to help you bring closure to your lives.

It’s true. President Obama is going to ruin your days and haunt the darkest hours of your nights for four more years. Yes, gays are now marching down the aisles to marry. Yes, pot smoking is now legal in two states.

Now get out there and pick up a can of beans.

Anthony Sykes, the Republican state senator who wrote the Oklahoma law, recently explained why getting the open-carry law passed mattered so much:  “This enhances Oklahomans’ ability to exercise their Second Amendment rights. I think the evidence is clear that gun owners are some of the most responsible people, and they’ve shown that in not just Oklahoma, where we’ve had conceal carry for quite some time and there’s never been an incident, but in these other states as well.” So, there you have it. More guns mean more safety. Isn’t that right? Of course it is. So carry your guns proudly, conservative Americans—to the doctor’s office, to the ice cream parlor, to the nearest children’s playground.

Maybe even to a gay wedding.

Oh, sure, liberals will bring up the incident in Florida, where the 15-year-old boy discharged a weapon on the school bus, killing a 13-year-old girl in front of her younger sister. Well, guns don’t kill people. Bullets do. (Not to mention old age.) Well, alright, it’s true:  Dan Fredenberg was shot three times in Kalispell, Montana, after stepping into Brice Harper’s garage to accuse his neighbor of having an affair with his wife. Sure, Fredenberg was unarmed at the time. That just goes to show you if we all carried weapons we could all shoot back too.

So, there you have it conservatives. Next time you’re feeling gloomy about the direction this country is headed, pick up your gun. Feel the reassuring weight in your hand. Study the blue steel. Beautiful, isn’t it? Wrap your fingers round the grip. This is America, baby, and no one is taking away your guns.

Quite the opposite, actually. If you folks keep buying up armament at the same rate you have since President Obama was first elected and then (horrors) re-elected, you’re going to have to start giving some of your extra guns to toddlers and babies.


Guns per 100 persons Gun-related homicides Gun-related homicides per 100,000 persons
Australia 15 30 0.14
Bangladesh 0.5 1,456 1.12
Denmark 12 15 0.27
England & Wales 6.2 41 0.07
Finland 45.3 24 0.45
France 31.2 35 0.06
Germany 30.3 158 0.19
Japan 0.6 11 0.01
Mexico 15 11,309 9.97
Sweden 31.6 37 0.41
Vietnam 1.7 834 0.99
United States 88.8 9,146 2.97