For those of us who live in blue states or liberal enclaves, traveling to red states can prove challenging — especially when nothing conservatives say makes even the slightest amount of sense to you. That’s why we, here at Addicting Info, have compiled this handy “Teabonics” conservative phrasebook so you can converse like a native, while fully appreciating the offensiveness of conservatives’ odd beliefs.
If you have any suggestions for words I may have left out, please post them in the comments below. I’ll add the best ones and credit the reader by their user name.
- Numbers -
9-11: Justification for torture and preemptive warfare abroad; and for domestic racial profiling and invasive security precautions at airports.
- A -
Activist Judges: State and Federal judges whose decisions support civil rights and/or abortion.
Anchor Babies: Children whelped out by pregnant illegal immigrants who sneak across the border in droves to steal citizenship and free medical care for their brown demon-spawn, who will grow up and vote Democratic.
- B -
Bible-Based: Selective use of biblical texts to justify hitting children and denying climate change, evolution, civil rights for gays, and equality for women.
Big Corporations: (See “Pro-Business”)
Big Government: All government functions that go beyond invading other countries and putting people of color in prison; Wasteful, inefficient, corrupt, and un-economical (unlike big corporations).
- C -
China: A backward country with no minimum wage, safety and environmental regulations, or workers’ rights … which the United States should emulate.
Choice: Freedom to choose amongst various crappy options you can’t afford.
Class Warfare: Working people asking for a living wage.
Climate Change: Global warming? What global warming?
Compassionate Conservatism: An oxymoron.
Confederate Flag: A symbol of Freedom (see also, “Freedom”).
- D -
Death Panels: Bureaucrats who will run our healthcare system and deny treatment to Sarah Palin’s grandparents if we enact Obamacare.
Death Penalty: Retroactive abortions performed after the 54th trimester (or earlier in states that allow trying juveniles as adults)
- E -
Elitist: Reads above an 8th grade level.
Energy Exploration: Drilling for oil or mining coal in wildlife reserves and national parks.
Enhanced Interrogation: Torture.
Entitlements: Stuff you aren’t entitled to: Like earned benefits, food, housing, education, and healthcare.
- F -
Family Values: In keeping with the values held by the authoritarian, dysfunctional families that warped conservatives’ minds to begin with. Not to be confused with values that actually support families.
Faith-Based Initiatives: Church-based charitable programs which would supposedly replace government-provided social programs … as long as recipients receive Jesus as their Savior.
Filibuster Reform: Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid’s unconstitutional attempt to obstruct obstructionists.
Fiscal Cliff: A non-existent precipice over which we’ll tumble if we don’t enact tax cuts for the wealthy and draconian austerity measures for the rest of us.
Founding Fathers: A bunch of guys who loved Jesus and dressed like Tea Partiers.
Freedom: The freedom to carry guns, discriminate against homosexuals and people of color, and to bully people who aren’t like you.
Free Markets: Socialized risk, privatized profits.
- G -
Gerrymander: Something only Democrats ever do.
Government: (See, “Big Government”).
- H -
Hawaii: Located in Kenya, Africa.
Healthy Forests: Logging.
- I -
Intelligent Design: What evangelical Christians would have our schools teach instead of evolution.
- J -
Jesus Christ: The son of God, who sacrificed himself in a brutal and drawn-out manner just to save the sorry, self-righteous, and hypocritical asses of jerks like Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum.
Job: Something people complaining about unemployment need to go out and get.
Job Creators: The 1% who stash money in off-shore tax havens instead of making investments that create jobs.
Job Killing: Holding businesses accountable, taxing wealthy people at the rate everyone else pays on their earnings.
- K -
K-Street: Where disgraced GOP politicians eventually go to make a living.
- L -
Liberal Bias: Applies to most proven facts.
Liberty: (See “Freedom”).
Limousine Liberals: Wealthy socialists who think that just because they enjoy giving their money away to worthless moochers, everyone else should, too (See also, “Elitists”).
- M -
Moderate: (See “Liberal”)
Moral: Cheating on spouses, embezzling cash, scamming supporters, abusing prescription drugs, and soliciting young boys for gay sex, as exemplified by the behavior of conservative leaders.
Muslim: Any brown person who isn’t a conservative Christian.
- N -
National Rifle Association (NRA): America’s foremost defender of Americans’ non-existent “Second Amendment Rights” to bear
arms assault rifles.
- O -
Obama: Osama Bin Laden
Obamacare: Socialized medicine, which — to Republicans — is a BAD thing (See also, “Death Panels”).
- P -
Personal Responsibility: A facile justification for not helping anyone.
Privatize: Hand public resources over to profiteers, who will supposedly manage them more efficiently while charging us exorbitant rates for accessing them.
Pro Life: Pro-Fetus.Once you’re born, you’re on your own (see “Death Penalty” above).
Pro-Business: Anti-union, anti-environment, anti-living wage, and pro-unelected government
- Q -
Quorum Call: Not nearly as fun as a booty call.
Quotas: The soft bigotry of low expectations.
- R -
Rape: The only way God intended for unmarried women to have sex.
Rapture: An event preceding the end-times when all believers are bodily taken from earth into heaven by God, before the ravages of armageddon begin. Seriously, I’m not making this up.
Reform: Rolling back reforms.
Religious Freedom: The right to worship Jesus and force others to worship Jesus.
Right to Work: The right to work for low pay and no benefits, and to get fired or discriminated against for no particular reason.
- S -
School Choice: Vouchers for bible-based schools or home-schooling. Or the freedom to choose between crumbling and underfunded schools, inferior for-profit charter schools, or private schools you can’t afford.
Stars and Bars: (See “Confederate Flag”)
School Choice: Undermining public schools with vouchers for Bible-based education (See “Bible-Based”).
Second Amendment Rights: The total whack-job’s constitutional right to carry assault rifles and stockpile weapons in their underground, barbed wire-covered bunkers (See “National Rifle Association”).
Socialist: Anything left of Rush Limbaugh.
Stand Your Ground: The right to shoot anyone on sight who seems like a threat because they have brown skin and are wearing a hoodie.
States Rights: The right of Republican state governors to deny civil rights, unemployment insurance, and health coverage to their citizens.
- T -
Tea Party: Nutcases in pseudo-colonial clothing who think they’re a grassroots movement, but are actually funded by evil rich people like the Koch brothers.
Tort Reform: Preventing people from seeking legal restitution and compensation for corporate abuses (but suing the US government is encouraged).
- U -
Un-American: Urban, non-white, multicultural, progressive, non-Christian, gay-friendly, educated, and/or tolerant.
- V -
Very Poor: “Lucky Duckies” who get everything handed to them on a silver platter; People former presidential candidate Mitt Romney is “not concerned about.”
Victimization: Calling out conservatives when they — or organizations they support — victimize people.
Voter Fraud: Voting for Democrats.
- W -
War on Christmas: Publicly acknowledging the existence of other (non-Christian) winter holidays besides Christmas.
Welfare State: A horrible state of dependency that occurs when we have any social safety net provisions or public services whatsoever.
Welfare Queens: Tramps who keep having children out of wedlock so they can collect huge welfare checks to buy gas for their huge pink Cadillacs.
- X -
Xenophobic: An apt description for many conservatives, although few of them would admit it.
- Y -
Yellow Journalism: Any news reporting that makes conservatives look bad.
- Z -
Zionism: Something conservative evangelicals support because the Rapture won’t happen until the Jews retake Jerusalem … and after which, Jews who don’t accept Jesus as their Savior will die horrible deaths and go to Hell. But we don’t need to tell them that.