The Progressive Answer To Grover Norquist


Certifiable lunatic and anti-tax advocate Grover Norquist has had a busy year. From the crushing conservative defeat in the 2012 election to the revelation that many conservatives are abandoning his infamous anti-tax pledge, ol’ Grover has had his hands full just staying in business, trying to keep us all convinced the economic philosophy he thought of when he was 12 is a good idea.

Unfortunately for Grover, things aren’t going his way. It seems like a new conservative ditches his worthless-as-the-paper-it’s-signed-on promise every day, abandoning Norquist’s fiscal crusade to never, ever, ever, EVER raise taxes on ANY Americans under ANY circumstances EVER no-take-backs-super-duper-rubber-stamped-double-dog-jinx. Signatories also promise to never accept any reduction in the loopholes and deductions in the current tax code unless they’re matched dollar-for-dollar in spending cuts, something most of corporate America just couldn’t be happier with.

The Norquist Pledge, in all its stupid glory.

The Norquist Pledge, in all its stupid glory.

The result is part of the current problem in Washington today: those lawmakers who haven’t abandoned the pledge are going into each session with their hands tied, unable to make the sort of compromises required to effectively govern. Those that do muster the courage to break from the possibly treasonous pledge are threatened with the full brunt of the Norquist-helmed attack ads and bad press that every politician is terrified of come election season.

Democrats who’ve never even bothered to read the pledge, for fear of contracting “the stupid,” are nevertheless hamstrung by Congressional colleagues who feel obligated to fall on their swords every time the notion of raising taxes on anyone, especially the nation’s richest, comes up.

In the spirit of equality, perhaps it’s time for liberals across the nation to have a rallying cry of their own. One we can all gather around and support until our dying days as being completely inviolable, utterly beyond reproach, and completely closed to any discussion or debate. With that in mind, and drawing heavy inspiration from Grover and His Gang, I present: The Addicting Info Citizens Protection Pledge, available just in time for the Holidays for all the Democratic Representatives and Senators across the land to sign!

I, [Insert Your Name], pledge to the Citizens of the state of [Your State Here], and to the American people, that I will:

ONE, oppose any and all efforts to decrease the payments made by Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, or any other public assistance program to any citizen of the United States;

TWO, oppose budget or financial plan based on the assumption that Social Security, in any way, contributes to the nation’s deficit, instead wearing a sandwich board demonstrating that Social Security is, in fact, one of the largest single owners of American public sector debt;

THREE, oppose any budget or fiscal plan that raises American defense spending by a single dime from its 2012 levels and;

FOUR, I will refer to Grover Norquist and those who have signed his pledge, at all times, as “Captain Dork and The Weenie Patrol.”

Signature ____________________   Date_______________

I think, even in this time of unparalleled partisan bickering, most of us can at least agree on that last part.

Signatories can notify me by e-mail of their pledge. Hopefully, with this iron-clad promise in hand, Congressional Democrats will finally have the courage to stand up and say “we can’t negotiate either.” If it helps, I’m more than twice as old as Norquist was when he thought of his plan, so you know it’s super serious.

No take backs. Two for flinching.

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