The war on Christmas is real. So real, in fact, that it’s caused Santa Claus to go nearly insane. And the law isn’t cutting him any slack. This proves that the War on Christmas is a very well-organized plot. The stress has caused Jolly Ole’ St. Nick to become a corrupt, desperate, drunken shell of his former self. This is truly the end of the world.
As reported by ABC News:
Case 1: Santa Desperately Attempts to Spread the Christmas Message by Writing it at the Texas State Capitol
Texas isn’t known for its tolerance. We even arrest Santa Claus if he acts up. A desperate Santa, in trying to do everything he could to fight the War on Christmas, was caught chalking holiday wishes at the Texas State Capitol grounds in Austin, Texas with some children and their parents.
He defiantly told officers “I’m an American! I’m Santa Claus!” Shocked bystanders demanded to know why Santa was being arrested, but the officers offered no comment. Unfortunately, a loyal elf scrawled “Free Santa” on the sidewalk, and joined Santa behind bars. Santa was also charged with evading arrest.
Why weren’t the children and their parents also arrested? Proof: War on Christmas.
Case 2: Santa Parties in Florida
Apparently Santa has a home in Florida, and it’s affectionately known as “Sausage Castle.” To help take his mind off of the War on Christmas, Santa threw a wild party and charged people to attend. That’s how bad it’s gotten. Kids are having to pay to see Santa, now.
An undercover police officer paid a $20 cover charge to get into the party, and was shocked to see that Santa was selling liquor. So now we have to pay for eggnog, too? That’s illegal, Santa. You have to have a special kind of license to do that, and no, I don’t mean a license to drive a sleigh. But nothing can bum Santa, not at Christmas-time. He tweeted:
“Last Night I Got Arrested For Throwing A EPIC Party! I Never Had Some Much Being Arrested!”
Question: Is the Sausage Castle where Santa make the sausages that come in those little wrapped up gift kits that have cheese, crackers, etc..?
Case 3: Santa’s Drinking Worsens as He Attempts to Cope with Stress from War on Christmas
After the Florida fiasco, Santa headed to Wisconsin and decided he was better off drinking alone. Unfortunately, Santa, unfamiliar with the laws in Wisconsin, hopped into a car and crashed into an unmarked sheriff’s vehicle that was being driven by a deputy. Santa was arrested on suspicion of driving while intoxicated.
Case 4: Distraught Santa Robs a Store Safe in Australia to Hire an Attorney to Fight War on Christmas
With legal fees mounting, and multiple cases against him that are going to require the assistance of an attorney, Santa headed to Sydney, Australia to raid a safe inside a shop. He made off with gobs of cash in a red sack (duh). Unfortunately, in typical “War against Christmas” fashion, the shop owner had installed a surveillance camera, and Santa was caught on tape.
Don’t worry, though, kids. He still hasn’t been found. He may be able to stay on the run until after Christmas.
It’s real. And it’s here. The War on Christmas must be won.
It’s tough enough being Santa. He has struggled with bouts of crime on numerous occasions, but nothing like we’re seeing now. The War on Christmas is taking an unprecedented toll.
Here is what I think: idle hands are the devil’s workshop. Santa just has too much time on his hands. Other than managing a team of self-motivated elves who work well with minimal supervision, he really only works a couple of days a year. He needs something to fill his time. Hopefully, after all of this, he’ll be required to do some community service. If not, he can always start playing World of Warcraft.
Meanwhile, the rest of us out here will continue the fight against the War on Christmas. We’ve got your back, Santa.