Congressional Democrats Offer Republicans Tips On How To Be More Popular Than Root Canals

root canal

Sometimes, the story barely needs writing. All you have to do is put the information out there and it will speak for itself. This is one of those times.

It’ll come as a surprise to precisely no one ever that the Republicans, the party of the rich, old, white men, are golf fans. So much so that they’re heading to one of the nation’s finer golf resorts, in Williamsburg, Va., for what one can only imagine will be a wonderfully exploratory team-building exercise featuring conversations about joining the rest of us in reality, being nicer, making friends and no homosexual activities or dead hookers whatsoever why do you ask stop looking at us like that.

The Democratic Congressional Committee, looking to help their colleagues along the path to self-actualization (and, selfishly, potentially gain a few co-workers they can stand to sit near), have offered the Republicans a few helpful tips on how to improve themselves, as reported by Yahoo! News. Seriously – this is the actual list coming out today. Sit back and enjoy.

Suggested House Republican Retreat Agenda Items

  • Have breakfast paid for by lobbyists
  • How to stop talking about “legitimate rape” and insulting women
  • Science 101
  • Creating tax breaks and tax shelters for millionaire campaign donors
  • Math course on counting to 218 votes
  • A primer on the stock market crash of 1929 and how you could be responsible for the next one.
  • Coup d’etat prevention and planning
  • Trust falls
  • Big-picture thinking
  • Practice interacting with women and minority voters
  • How to increase our approval ratings: What root canals, traffic jams, cockroaches and head lice are doing right
  • Remedial hurricane recovery
  • Your inner Tea Party and you
  • Have dinner paid for by lobbyists

It just warms your heart, doesn’t it? Maybe when they’re done throwing TVs into pools or beating the help, whatever it is Republicans do when they get together, they’ll actually come away from this little pow-wow better, wiser, more cooperative men (I’d say people, but come on, let’s be serious.). Today’s helpful list comes on the heels of Democrats providing freshman Republicans with complimentary Tea Party membership cards after Republicans made a lap-dog crack about the Progressives. Say what you will, but at least this is more interesting than watching them stand around and call each other communists and fascists, respectively. If they’re not going to work for their salaries, the least they can do is entertain us.

Big thanks go out to Richard Daniel for pointing this story out on the RF Facebook Page.

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