Look, we all know now that the renewed debate about gun control in America is raising serious issues – such as: maybe we need to think rationally about this topic if a seven-year-old shows up in a Queens, New York elementary school with a .22 caliber semiautomatic pistol in his backpack. The young man came prepared with a clip loaded with ten bullets and 7-10 rounds of extra ammunition in a plastic bag.
You know. Issues like children’s safety.
Unfortunately, the gun crazies (who make up a small percentage of gun owners—but speak longest and loudest) will look at this story and say something sick or absurd, like: “If all those kids at Newtown had had loaded weapons in their backpacks…”
You know the drift.
That may be one of the most eye-opening aspects of this developing story—the extreme paranoia on the extreme right. It was bad enough when irrational voices started gibbering in 2008 about Muslim Obama. You could almost see the delusions dancing round their heads when they said they were going to “take back America” and win the 2012 election with ease, only to suffer a crushing defeat. Now, in the wake of the school massacre in Connecticut, their first thought, their existential fear, revolves not around children, but around the hint of a challenge to their Second Amendment right to carry assault rifles to bars and schools and even grocery stores.
Well, not so fast, all you damn liberals and all you rational human beings. You think this is not serious business? (No, seriously, we do.) What about all those North Koreans! (We’ll explain in a moment.)
And you think that Obama isn’t up to no good, what with calling for all background checks for all purchasers in all gun sales? That’s just what them Iranians are waitin’ for, don’t you see? (Again, we’ll explain in a moment.)
We do see. We see that paranoia on the right is now fueling paranoia on the right. Rush Limbaugh is making Glenn Beck cry. And Gretchen Carlson is making Steve Doocy wet his pants. Soon, the people who feed this frenzy will be arguing that we all need thirty-shot clips to defend ourselves from Girl Scouts going door-to-door selling cookies. “You don’t fool me with your Thin Mints? Eat lead you commie.”
Want to get the facts about North Koreans? Want to know how to save your guns and your family, too? Then go to GOPContacts at once and learn how to fight off Iranians and Girl Scouts and, hell, maybe ballerinas!
Listen, because there’s no time to lose.
In fact, you should stop reading this article now and go out and buy ten guns—at least—and a whole *&&%load of ammunition. Because, if you let Obama so much as tear pictures of guns out of gun magazines and crumple them up, then, well, freedom-loving Americans are screwed and tattooed. In fact, “With the way our government is heading it could only be a matter of days until you kiss your second amendment rights goodbye.”
Days! Are you listening?
Kiss every scrap of freedom goodbye. Those 270 million guns already in private hands? Not enough. Those 16.8 million shotguns, rifles and pistols sold just last year in this country—while Obama was busy trampling on Second Amendment rights? Not nearly enough. What about all those invading North Koreans? Sure, they lack—well—pretty much a navy—but hell, what if they use surf boards?
If not them Asian fellers, what about “the everyday threat of a terrorist attack?” You can’t count on the police to help! Or the National Guard? Hell, no. When you have to stop a swarming herd of Muslims riding down your street on camels, you need to have your own weaponry. That’s what the Second Amendment is all about. Shooting Muslims.
Go to this link before it’s too late. Click it now. “No credit card necessary.” Click it you fool. Okay. You’re there. Now start reading: “Even if your weapon of choice is a 12 gauge, you’ve got to know what to do…if you run out of ammo.”
What happens if “you’re forced to defeat a flash-mob rushing your home!” Go to YouTube! This is serious. What about that Cornell University Gangnam Style flash-mob? Or those crazies at Ohio State, dancing to a song from a Glee episode? You ever watch that show? That was probably a flash mob made up of homosexuals.
Maybe homosexual terrorists. You want people like that rushing down your street, and you with no assault rifle to defend yourself and your loved ones?
Well, never fear. Not even if Obama sends the U. S. Army to ring your doorbell tomorrow, and they do take your guns. No. Never give up. Even if you are paranoid, you still have “4 emergency weapons” in every bathroom in plain sight. (Might we suggest a fifth? That is: hurling your own feces like an enraged chimp?) Also: You can modify “a common kid’s toy, using a few ordinary household chemicals,” and turn it into “a poisonous weapon that can paralyze an attacker before he knows what hit him!” There are three pieces of sports equipment than can kill an Iranian, or even Sasquatch, if you see him “and only one of them is a baseball bat.”
(I’m guessing “nerf football” is not one of them.)
You can grab your credit card now, before it’s too late, before the homosexuals get there. You can order the booklet “How to Make and Use Primitive Weapons.” It was $97. Not buying? $47! No? $27! No? We’re not trying to fuel this paranoia just to make money! (Neither are the gun manufacturers and their lobbyists in Congress.) Now you can have this life-saving manual for only $7 (plus shipping and handling). It’s a small price to pay to be able to protect your family from all the crazies itn the world today.
And keep your eyes peeled for them North Koreans.
John Viall is a former Marine (he sat at a desk and shuffled paperwork during the Vietnam War), a gun owner himself (a 1832 Harpers Ferry musket), and a retired history teacher. He normally writes about education issues. You can visit his blog: http://ateacheronteaching.blogspot.com/ if you dare.