Transvaginal Crusader And Virginia Delegate Bob Marshall Takes On Gun Control

From the folks who brought you, “I Know What Your Vagina Did Last Summer” and “Women: Mens’ Slaves or Just Stupid?” comes the smash hit of 2013 – “Gun Control: Obama Fascist Muslim herp-derp-GRRRRR.”

Starring, you guessed it, the man all the ladies love (to hate): Delegate Bob Marshall!


I’m not one to advocate violence, particularly against elected officials, but on a completely unrelated note to anyone who’s also familiar with Delegate Bob Marshall, I do happen to be giving away a big bag of rocks and a shovel to the first 5 callers. If you’re not familiar with Marshall, take a second to review his track-record of cramming things into the vagina’s of unwilling women. It’s what I like to consider a little “light reading.”

Marshall, who I’m absolutely positive subscribes to the Ann Coulter Philosophy (“say stupid things as loud as you can to get as much attention as possible”) decided to wade into the gun control debate post-Sandy Hook, with a brilliant piece of legislation proposing that school boards in Virginia designate one super-duper-pinky-sworn person in each school to be the designated “concealed carrier,” meant to fend off any would-be mass shooters with their ultra-top-secret-no-girls-allowed handgun. He then followed up this class-act move with a proposed bill that would prevent any entity of state employee in Virginia from assisting the federal government with the following:

“…any investigation, prosecution, detention, arrest, search, or seizure, under the authority of any federal statute enacted, or Executive Order … infringing the individual Right to Keep and Bear Arms.”

If you missed it, that part about “Executive Order” is a direct shot (no pun intended) at Obama, proving that Marshall has not only bought into the right-wing meme that “Obermer is kermin fer are gunz!!!!” …


… but also that ‘Delegate’ Marshall has such a flimsy grasp on Constitutional law that he believes Obama COULD OR WOULD just issue some blanket decree to start confiscating guns. That’s a great place from which to start the debate.

Marshall’s “secretly arm the janitor” plan, which has since been pushed off to the governor’s special task force on such things, does have caveats, coming in some oddly-written requirements that the person who gets the top-secret handgun has to have several years’ worth of connection to the school and/or local community. If you squint really hard, you can probably see the sort of hyper-local xenophobia that would prompt such requirements, but it doesn’t take too long to start cycling back through the most prominent mass shooters of the last decade to notice that most (re: all) of them had long-standing ties to the communities they unloaded on.

When school guards with decades of service are accidentally leaving weapons in public bathrooms, that alone should pretty much stamp the life out of the “arm the staff” debate. But, well, Bob Marshall is stupid, so it doesn’t. What should penetrate even his cinder-block skull, however, is that none of these people signed up for a job that entailed “active shootouts with bad guys,” and, one wonders, will they be paid extra for such efforts? When education funding is taking hits left and right in Virginia, is Marshall also including some grand plan to compensate these Super-Secret School Warriors (copyright pending) or will Mrs. Lubowitz just be expected to anticipate the 10-minute shootout interrupting algebra and deal accordingly? Who’s paying for the training? Who’s paying for the GUNS for the more than two-thousand Virginia public schools … or do the SSSW’s (remember…the Super-Secret School Warriors?) have to provide their own, leaving potentially dangerous variables when it comes to upkeep, maintenance, and reliability?

“Sorry, Mrs. Lubowitz was going to shoot back, but then the handgun she hadn’t cleaned or oiled in 10 years misfired and took off three of her fingers. Our deepest sympathies about what happened to little Johnny.”

Above and beyond all this, though, is the hypocrisy of the entire argument. Since Sandy Hook, one of the most prevalent arguments of the pro-gun crowd has been that size matters. I have personally had more conversations that I even care to think about where the primary talking point parroted back at me was that assault rifles like the AR-15 are necessary weapons for private citizens (note: US Army General and former commander in Afghanistan Gen. Stanley McChrystal says “bullshit”), because handguns and shotguns don’t offer the necessary firepower to combat a threat, you don’t have enough rounds, redneck penises aren’t big enough, and so forth. So while Marshall is buying into the “arm the teachers” meme, he’s simultaneously debunking one of the primary arguments – if handguns are all it takes to stop a mass shooter, why the uproar about returning to previously-enacted restrictions on assault rifles? Could it be that handguns – something that hasn’t been the particular focus of the recent gun control debate – are enough for defensive purposes? Or is Bob Marshall secretly a massive liberal, only looking to placate the right-wing masses while secretly dooming hundreds of Virginia children and educators to horrible deaths?

Nah. He’s just an idiot, brought to you by the same state that continues to give us all Eric Cantor. You’re welcome.

Check out more from The Rambling Fool on Addicting Info. Head over to the Facebook Fan Page or e-mail him with story ideas, comments, or scathing insults to his intelligence and personal hygiene. He also STILL lives in Virginia, which means maybe the problem is him.