Phil Mickelson, the Supremes to Tiger Woods’ Dianna Ross, is upset with the mean old Kenyan Socialist. The longtime golfer is angry with President Obama for making him pay a little bit more on the mega-millions he earns convincing people golfing is a sport. Let’s be honest: golfing is to sport what bowling is to athlete. While most of us see it as a outdoorsy way for white-collar criminals to outsource their companies to foreign firms, there do exist people (mostly boring white guys) who manage to hoodwink major sponsors into paying them boatloads of money to do it for a living. Phil Mickelson happens to fall into the boring white guy category.
Mickelson is quite upset with the usurper-in-chief for taxing his vast pretend athlete earnings at an ever-so slightly higher marginal rate, even threatening to quit the game (I guess spend his remaining days just golfing for fun?) that gave him an obscene $67 million in 2011. Mickelson is one of those selfish a-holes who fails to see how unbelievably lucky they are to make millions for essentially dressing up like casual Friday in pristine places, especially when millions of Americans can’t even find a job that pays them enough to eat basic food. He also fails to understand the basic math of returning to Clinton-era tax levels so as to control massive budget deficits. For example, in Mickelson’s home state of California, where voters supported a 3% on income above $1 million, California is looking at budget surplus. That’s right–the state that taxes everything under the sun and spends its way out of a paper bag is actually looking at a surplus. But Mickelson isn’t politely clapping at this freaking hole-in-one. Indeed, he’s threatening to leave his home state of California.
“I’m not sure what exactly, you know, I’m going to do yet, said Mickelson. ” Adding, “I’ll probably talk about it more in depth next week. I’m not going to jump the gun, but there are going to be some. There are going to be some drastic changes for me because I happen to be in that zone that has been targeted both federally and by the state and, you know, it doesn’t work for me right now. So I’m going to have to make some changes. [...]“
“I’ll probably go into it more next year or next week. But if you add up, if you add up all the federal and you look at the disability and the unemployment and the Social Security and the state, my tax rate’s 62, 63 percent. So I’ve got to make some decisions on what I’m going to do,” said Mickelson. (Think Progress)
Bear in mind that nearly all of Mickelson’s huge earnings come from sponsors, meaning that companies pay this guy the GDP of some central American countries to basically wear their freaking logos on his apparel, play the white-collar hobby with their equipment, and pretend to give up a crap about their products in commercials. In fact, these companies recently paid him $43 million to do the aforementioned things. But never mind the fact that taxes on the wealthy have virtually disappeared over the last couple decades, as states have had to slash spending on education and safety net programs. And certainly never mind the fact that an average California household would have to spend the next 775 years of their miserable lives working to earn what Mickelson made last year alone, because this delicate genius needs more Rolexes and diamond-encrusted Hummer yachts. I’m sure Americans can understand the importance of this one dude’s desire to make society better by wearing polo shirts.
Michael is a comedian/VO artist/Columnist extraordinaire, who co-wrote an award-nominated comedy, produces a chapter of Laughing Liberally, wrote for NY Times Laugh Lines, guest-blogged for Joe Biden, and writes a column for MSNBC.com affiliated Cagle Media. Follow him on Twitter and Facebook, and like NJ Laughing Liberally Lab if you love political humor from a progressive point-of-view. Seriously, follow him or he’ll send you a photo of Rush Limbaugh bending over in a thong.