Shocking News: Mitt Wasn’t Fit! (HUMOR)

Author: February 2, 2013 3:35 pm

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CALIFORNIA: Former Presidential hopeful and former Governor of Massachusetts Mitt Romney has reportedly been rushed to a mental health facility (conveniently located just five minutes outside of La Jolla, California) earlier this morning! According to sources close to the Romney family, the former Governor and his wife Ann were uttering their bedtime prayers when Jesus Christ made a rare appearance in the Romney bedroom.

"I'm busy, son. You handle this one."

“I’m busy, son. You handle this one.”

Luisa Alvarez, one of the nearly 120 housekeepers staffed by the Romneys at their La Jolla location, told news sources that Romney and his wife Ann appeared normal before retiring to their bedroom at their traditional 9:00 PM bedtime, but that they had called down to the main kitchen requesting a warm glass of milk and cookies for an offering to the god of Kolob, the planet on which the couple believes they will spend eternity after passing away.

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During that call, according to Alvarez–who seems shaken to her core–Mrs. Romney was in the process of asking Mr. Romney just who he thought he was, only for Mr. Romney to respond with the words: “Jesus Christ!”

It was at this moment Alvarez and the rest of the Romney staff heard a loud clap of thunder coupled with a magnificent display of lightening , then a strange voice on their end of the mansion’s intercom system: “You rang?”

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The Romneys have been guests and hosts to a number of disciples, apostles, bishops, prophets and even a few evangelicals over the years. The couple attended a meeting with the Rev. Billy Graham in his North Carolina home just weeks before the election. “They usually were happy to attend when invited,” Romney spokesperson “Ryan Paul” said, “however, the appearance of Jesus Christ seems to have been unannounced, which added considerably to the stress of the event.”

tshirt kolob

It was at this moment, according to Alvarez and confirmed by other attendants, that Mrs. Romney shrieked in similar fashion to her response when Mr. Romney informed her he was going to run for President.


Immediately following the shriek, Alvarez reports she heard another person, presumably Mr. Christ, telling the Romney’s that “if you truly want to get to heaven, sell all you have and give it to the poor,” only to have Ann scream, “You gods! You! You don’t know what it is like! It’s hard doing what we do! We have sacrificed everything! If you think you can do any better, then get on up here and do something!”

Alvarez reports the former Governor took a different tact by questioning Jesus: “Surely, you can’t be serious! You do know people are corporations, right?”

shirley

Apparently not amused, Jesus told the Romneys, “I am serious; and don’t call me Shirley,” explaining to the couple that it was for this very reason that He told His own disciples that “it was easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter heaven.”

Consuela Hernandez, another kitchen attendant and long-time employee of the Romneys, also heard the ensuing discussion between Jesus Christ and the Romneys, and added that Mr. Romney attempted to remind Jesus that they had a horse in the Olympics, in the now-infamous dressage event, and that he “was certain he had a few camels hanging around in the couple’s smoking room!”

It was at this point that the precipitous event turned calamitous as the Romneys attempted to argue their way out of the apparent disagreement. According to other staffers who rushed to the Romney bedroom in order to catch a glimpse of Jesus, an extremely blinding light immediately retreated from underneath the door as attendants approached the room. Upon entering what the Romneys affectionately term the Holy of Holies–due to their bedroom’s hidden wall safe being called the “Holiest of Holies“– the couple were found prostrate on the floor, with Ann crying, “get my Cadillac from the parking garage so I can take Mittens to the hospital.”

Mormon belief

Mrs. Lariza Rodriquez, the parking garage attendant–and the latest addition to the Romneys’ platoons of staff, hired just three weeks ago after construction on the couple’s car elevator and accompanying garage was complete–indicated that pandemonium erupted due to her confusion over which Cadillac to bring Mrs. Romney.

Since the recent candidate’s failed campaign bid, the former Governor has apparently suffered a break in his manic depressive syndrome with which he had been secretly diagnosed following his poor performance in his last debate with current President Barack Obama, only to enter a manic phase upon losing to President Obama on November 2, 2012, which was allegedly demonstrated by his purchase of 20 brand new Cadillacs from a local car dealership.

At that time, close confidants of the Romney’s questioned their need for 20 Cadillacs, only to be told by the former Governor that “Chrysler was now building all of their cars in China,” and that “they would never buy a Ford product due to Mr. Henry Ford telling his customers in 1898 that he would paint their cars any color the purchasers desired, as long as it was black.”

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Immediately upon the arrival of Mrs. Romney’s chosen Cadillac, the former Presidential candidate was whisked away to Electoral College Hospital located directly off Route 47. The former Governor’s attending physician confirmed the house attendant’s worse fears, when telling news sources that “Mr Romney did, in fact, suffer from yet another psychotic break.” When asked how he could be so certain, Dr. Shamus told the press that Mr. Romney is incessantly yelling, “I’ve just seen Jesus and He insists I give away all of my money,” only to follow up with, “I’ll bet He doesn’t know about the Caymans. Ha ha ha ha!”

“We’re not surprised he’s reacted poorly”, said one of the attending nurses, the bright blue Mental Health badge shining on her chest.

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Intake counselor LaQuita Green indicated that Mr. Romney had exhibited demonstrably aggressive behavior when asked to provide identification in order to be admitted into the facility. According to Green, Romney responded with the following: “No one’s ever asked to see my birth certificate. They know that this is the place that I was born and raised.”

“He clearly exhibits behavior one expects to see with a manic depressive episode,” said world-renowned clinical psychiatrist, Dr. Hussein, from the University of California, San Diego. “Complicating matters, however,” the psychiatrist continued, “is the fact that Mr. Romney suffers from a diverse cluster of personality disorders.”

Mitt the Twit

Dr. Hussein conveys that while it not odd that an individual suffer from one personality disorder, the former Governor suffers from several personality disorders: he is paranoid, narcissistic, and one form classified in the DSM-IV TR only as “Other.”

Dr. Seamus was quick to point out that Mr. Romney was receiving the highest level of care possible: “The American public needs to know that I personally have placed the former governor on the top of my car, er, I mean, on the top of my list of priorities.”

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Reminding the public of the benefits of early intervention in mental health issues such as Mr. Romney presents with, Dr. Seamus pointed to a report by The Onion, where the former candidate was seen on November 12, 2012 delivering a campaign speech…well after the election was decided. According to Seamus, “it was apparent Mr. Romney was already in decline due to his disheveled appearance, and his concurrent delusional belief that the campaign was still on.”

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In addition, the psychiatrist also reminded reporters how Mrs. Romney had already had the former Governor’s mental health as her chief concern should he have won the election, which reinforces the importance of voters actually listening to candidate’s family members when deciding how they will cast their respective ballots.

Surprised at the willingness of the Romneys to openly discuss the former governor’s situation, especially in light of HIPAA laws protecting patients’ medical information, reporters quickly learned that Ann Romney actually wants the entire world to know about her husband’s decline in mental health. She stated: “People need to understand that elections have consequences! Mitt didn’t deserve to be treated the way he was, and now look!”

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The press corps which still follows the Romneys daily found themselves astounded at these recent developments, but found themselves also distracted during the press conference due to Mrs. Romney carrying around a trade paperback copy of a book, The Help, while speaking.

Tagg Romney, son of the former governor, was much more direct as he placed blame for his father’s demise, squarely at the feet of the President who defeated Romney quite handily. According to the son, “I just want to rush right down there and take a swing at him,” only to be reminded by several onlookers “that this is part of the process.”

Paul Ryan made sure to bleat appropriate noises of sympathy while reporters were present.

Paul Ryan made sure to bleat appropriate noises of sympathy while reporters were present.

 


Dr. Bear is a political writer for Addicting Info and Voice 4 America. He also contributes to a blog; Blogging Blue. Dr. Bear works in the field of Social and Consumer Psychology. He holds degrees in Psychology and Theology. In addition, Dr. Bear works as a professional consultant assisting organizations in improving their respective organizational culture and employee performance. As a proud progressive, Dr. Bear and his wife Susan, reside in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, and have been happily married for 29 years. He has a passion for reading, history, research, statistical analysis and writing. He also has a love for dogs and has a Schnauzer named Shadow. Dr. Bear invites you to follow him on Facebook or Twitter so you can read all of his contributions.

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1 Comment

  • It must have been quite a shock, having such a liberal person like Jesus so up close and personal to Mittens. Not to mention his tragic first encounter with a non-Yes Man.

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