Sarah Palin To Write A Book About The War On Christmas

xthumbs-up-from-sarah-palin.jpg.pagespeed.ic.uW2RdOL6b0Grab your guns. Grab your Bibles. Grab your wife and kids. A war is coming. No, not a missile attack from North Korea.

It’s a war on Christmas.

How do we know this? Because Fox News has warned us this is so. That’s why no one hangs Christmas lights in the neighborhood any more. Because there’s a war and they don’t dare give away their positions to the enemy. Who is this enemy, you may rightly ask? Liberals. Muslims. Munchkins. Bigfoot. Liberal Munchkins, maybe!

The point is Christians—those few still left according to the latest Pew Research report (only 78.4% of our nation’s population)—are being swarmed under by folks with funny religious ideas and even turbans. Christians are surrounded. There are Jews! (1.7%) And Buddhists! (0.7%) And Muslims! (0.6). And Hindus, oh my! (0.4%)

Not to mention all those “unaffiliated” folks—atheists and agnostics and agronomists, and such.

Forget the Rapture. Now is not the time to sit around on one’s Jesus freaking posterior, awaiting the arrival of some Heavenly Host. Now is the time to…um…buy more guns because that’s what Christ would have wanted. And pre-order a copy of Sarah Palin’s newest book. That’s right. Ms. Palin is putting politics aside to delve deep into theology.


According to a press release from HarperCollins today, “#1 bestselling author…Sarah Palin” will pick up her pen again—or her crayon, maybe—and start again where previous books, Going Rogue, and America by Heart, left off:

“Now, in A Happy Holiday IS a Merry Christmas, Palin defends one of the most sacred holidays of the Christian faith against the politically correct elite who have hijacked the season.”

(At this point, a liberal thinker might be forgiven for wondering: if Palin has written three books, does that equal or exceed the number of books she’s actually read in her life.)

But we digress. The press release continues:

“In her book, Palin defines the case for holding traditional Christmas dear to our hearts and for bringing back the freedom to express the Christian values of the season. Palin asserts the importance of preserving Jesus Christ in Christmas—whether in public displays, school concerts, pageants, and to each other—and laments the over-commercialization and homogenization of Christmas in today’s society. She will share personal memories and traditions from her own Christmases and illustrate the reasons why the celebration of Jesus Christ’s nativity is the centerpiece of her faith.

“Palin says, ‘Amidst the fragility of this politically correct era, it is imperative that we stand up for our beliefs before the element of faith in a glorious and traditional holiday like Christmas is marginalized and ignored. This will be a fun, festive, thought provoking book, which will encourage all to see what is possible when we unite in defense of our faith and ignore the politically correct Scrooges who would rather take Christ out of Christmas.’”

(Not to be confused with the Scrooges on the right who think 47% of the American people are worthless moochers and takers and deserve nothing more than lumps of coal in their stockings instead of food stamps on Christmas morning.)

Anyway, HarperCollins again:

“In a time where Christian values are challenged, A Happy Holiday IS a Merry Christmas will be a call to action for readers to openly celebrate the joys of their Christianity, and say Merry Christmas to one another.”

I know I can hardly wait to read this novel; but why wait when we can predict what Palin is going to say. The plot will go like this: First the liberals came for the Christmas cards and we said nothing. Then they came for the lawn decorations, the plastic angels and such. And still good Christians said nothing. Then they came for the tinsel and right-wingers failed to speak up. Then they came for Santa Claus and Rudolph and Bambi.

And me.

The only way to change this outcome—to keep the Hindus and their yoga ideas at bay—is for Christians to go on the offensive. That yellow Tea Party banner, with the words “live free or die” and coiled snake in the center—becomes a banner with the slogan, “live free and drink eggnog” and a Christmas tree in the middle. Bumper stickers soon abound: “You’ll have to pry my cold dead fingers off my fruit cake.” And: “Merry Christmas, Muslim mother——-.” Instead of “unplugged grannies,” Fox News will stoke fears with stories of “unplugged Christmas trees.”

Christians will have to strike first and strike fast and strike hard—finding the agnostic family’s home in the neighborhood and going over on Christmas Eve and singing carols loudly until finally they have to call the cops. Punch a Scientologist in the mouth. Kick a Mormon in the shins. If you meet your Jewish friend on the street get in his face and greet him so: “Merry Christmas, Christ killer.”

Then just walk away.

Never, never forget what this holiday is all about. It’s not about commercialization. Not at all. So, get yourself and all your children to church on Christmas morning if you hope to win this war. Liberals won’t try to stop you and honestly won’t give a shit. They’ll be sleeping late.

Well, war or not, HarperCollins notes that Palin’s third book is scheduled for release this November, just in time for—dare we say it—Christmas shopping season?