Sarah Goes Down On A Big Gulp And Other Absurdities Of The CPAC Gals (VIDEOS)

Sarah goes down on a Big Gulp; screenshot.

Sarah goes down on a Big Gulp; screenshot.

It doesn’t matter what side of a battle you’re on, if the other side is putting on a show to the tune of pomp and circumstance, you’re not just going to make note; you’re going to make fun. It’s what we do.

An old guy talks to a chair; a candidate malaprops a speech; a wife says too much; a rebutter gives water a bad name, it’s all fodder for that great American tradition of skewering our opponents in search of blood. The GOP does it to the Dems and the Dems do it right back. It’s like the Sharks and Jets only with social media and sound bites instead of shivs and really good dancing.

But even at a time when false equivalencies are routinely granted the heft of truth, it’s impossible to view an event such as this week’s CPAC and not find a myriad of moments that stand out in their sheer absurdity. While objective comment can be difficult from the other side of the divide, it’s not impossible, particularly when the players on stage are carny characters like Ann Coulter, Allen West, Sarah Palin and even the rising anointed, Rand Paul. One suspects even some on their side are secretly shaking their heads and wishing a sinkhole would open up somewhere near the podium.

Men in any political scenario typically get the lion’s share of attention by sheer virtue of there being more of them. We’ve heard plenty about Rand Paul doing whatever it is Rand Paul does, Ted Cruz whining about not getting his share of filibuster love, and Mitt Romney not getting any love from anyone at all (to name just a few of the male moments), so it seems time to train the spotlight on the Gals of the CPAC, see what of merit they’ve contributed to the circus sideshow of the Conservative Political Action Conference of 2013. And though one certainly wants to honor the accomplishments of their gender, sometimes it’s the absurdities that stand in high relief!

1.  Sarah Palin and the Big Gulp:

Any time you can watch the fading Barbie of the Right go down on a big-ass slurpee, you know you’re in the right room. I’d suggest she take that show on the road but, fact is, she already has (who needs that damn elected day job anyway?). Despite her notable lack of relevance, and in a move designed to make the uninvited feel even less relevant (did you get that, Chris Christie?), Sarah Smile showed up all sassed and styled and just slayed ’em out there in GOP land. The Big Gulp moment was, of course, meant to slam Michael Bloomberg’s attempt – right or wrong – to take action on the country’s obesity problem, but to a gal like Sarah, who ridiculed Michelle Obama’s “Let’s Move” initiative with her “s’mores” routine (she’s got something about food products, though surely the Big Gulp was more phallic – I mean, dramatic – than marshmallows), there’s no need to consider science or the logical thinking behind an action if demeaning it gets the bigger laugh. When CPAC wraps and Sarah’s star fades once again into the distance, we’ll see who’s laughin’ then. For now, please enjoy this video of the Sarah Palin dog and pony show, Big Gulp moment included:

2. Ann Coulter Tarts It Up To Diss Sandra Fluke’s Hair and Call Bill Clinton a “Forcible Rapist”:

Speaking of Fading Barbies, commenting on Ann Coulter is like shooting a viper in a barrel. She’s just so… easy. No one, I mean, NO ONE, tries harder to be relevant and indispensable by sheer virtue being really, really mean. She makes Cruella DeVille look like Mary Poppins. She’s so mean Leona Helmsley is rolling over in her grave. Mean is her middle name, her mantra, and her mission statement. If they made a movie about Ann Coulter they’d call it Mean Girl if the people who made that other movie wouldn’t sue them. Anyway, she’s that mean. Ann showed up at CPAC blow-dried and bodice-bound to stiletto her way up to the podium and, with clenched jaw and bony finger pointed, slice and dice like a sous chef on crack. Sandra Fluke needn’t worry about sex because, I guess, she’s got a haircut Ann thinks is dopey. So mean. Fat old Chris Christie got slayed with a creepy “300 pound” joke… omigod, you’re so Don Rickles, Annie. And in a show of shameful hackney, she called Bill Clinton a “forcible rapist.” Forget the weary insult, doesn’t she know that, by definition, rape is forcible, making “forcible rapist” a ridiculous redundancy? Which might be what’s said about the predictable Ann herself…ridiculous redundancy. Whatever, here’s the video of her spew-fest:

 3. Birther Queen Orly Taitz Takes the Award For Most Broken Record:

Orly Taitz appears to have no life other than driving the notion of President Obama’s birth certificate into the ground so deep it might just end up in China. Or Africa, where Orly’s convinced our current president not only hailed from but belongs. She showed up at a CPAC panel on the topic of Islam and national security, moderated by Pam Geller, only to co-opt the topic to one she wanted to discuss. That would be, you guessed it, her Topic Numero Uno: President Obama’s birth bona fides. After interrupting the speaker and asking the same questions about the infamous birth certificate over and over, Orly’s lecture was “schooled” by security guards who escorted her out of the room. That must have been a dignified display of civil discourse and one you’d think would finally set her straight. Yeah. Like that could happen.

See Orly’s shining CPAC moment:

4. Mia Love Is REALLY “Confident” About the Future of the Party:

Most of us haven’t heard too much about Mia Love yet. She’s the Republican mayor of Saratoga Springs, Utah, and like Marco Rubio’s water, Howard Dean’s scream, and Sally Field’s “you like me, you really like me!” Oscar speech, the word “confident” was uttered so many times in Mia’s CPAC speech that media, social and otherwise, have been buzzing about the “confidence queen” ever since. She compared her confidence to that of Ronald Reagan, which might be a tad presumptuous for a newbie GOP wannabe star, and Huff Po political reporter, Jason Linkins, even cautioned, “if you came into CPAC Saturday determined to drink every time you heard variations on the word ‘confident,'” you’d be in deep trouble. Tough love coming your way, Mia… get a speech writer! But confidence, dammit, is a positive thing so let’s hope they love Mia Love despite her, perhaps, over confidence.

See Mia Love teeming with… yeah… you know:

 5. The Tea Party Patriots’ “Movement On Fire” CPAC Video starring a sort of Hunger Games Woman:

Every fiery, passionate movement needs a hot video. Think John Travolta in Battlefield Earth. Apparently the Tea Party got the memo and had the creative verve to write, cast and produce a video for the big show that dramatizes their view of themselves as patriots extraordinaire with, no less, a woman in the vaulted position of some kind of weird Hunger Games leader. The film has a tinge of Scientology, a whiff of science fiction and, given that it’s the Tea Party, not an iota of actual science, but, boy, is it memorable! I won’t bore you with my critique or analysis but will instead invite you to watch “Movement On Fire.” That’d be the Tea Party, that enflamed movement. And the woman with a weird robe and slightly freaky eyes shall, I guess, lead them…. I dunno, see for yourself:

That’s the list for today. I hope you enjoyed our homage to the Gals of CPAC. Certainly this isn’t all of them – we know Michele Bachmann showed up and likely said some silly things because any time Michele Bachmann shows up she says silly things, but these mentioned were the high points. Now that the show is winding down, won’t it be interesting to see where each and every one of these gals appears next? Wherever that may be, we can be “confident” it will noteworthy for… something. Drama or comedy, they rarely disappoint.



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