Pat Robertson Gives Crazy Marital Advice (VIDEO)

Pat Robertson, Marriage Adviser...

Pat Robertson, Marriage Adviser…

Pat Robertson is many things: televangelist, climate scientist, political prognosticator and now crazy marriage counselor.

On the 700 Club this week, a female viewer sent in a question, asking how she should go about forgiving her cheating husband. Reverend Robertson first gave his female co-host a shot at the answer. But when he didn’t feel she was making quite the right point he decided to jump in with some bad Bible-induced advice.

“Stop talking about the cheating,” he began, giving his words emphatic emphasis. “He cheated on you. Well, he’s a man, okay.”

I was watching this video as a skeptical person in terms of religion, I admit, but I was also wondering, “Did Reverend Robertson just pretty much put forth the argument that the Seventh Commandment is void if one has a penis?”

Well, back to his words of wisdom:

“What you do is begin to focus on why you married him in the first place, on what he does good.”

Again, I am thinking ironically. I think he should remind the wife to ask herself, “Hey, yeah, is he good in bed?” “No, no,” Robertson may need to add: “I mean with you.”

Crazy Old Pat is just getting warmed up:

“Does he provide a home for you to live in? Does he provide food for you to eat? Does he provide clothes for you to wear?”

Um…Reverend, you do know that modern women may also be working? And does providing food and clothing for his mistress count?

Pat is on a holy roller, and there’s no stopping his babbling:

“Is he nice to the children, do you have a happy family? Does he take the kids to sporting events? Does he go out and watch their Little League games? Does he share with you stuff that is going on?

(“Honey,” I think the Reverend hopes the husband will say, “I’m taking Junior to his baseball game. I’ll be sure he gets a ride home with friends. Because after the game I want to stop by her apartment and ‘boink’ the hot secretary from work.” You know—“share with you stuff that is going on.”)

Robertson continues:

“And…uh…is he handsome, or is he, you know, what is it? Start focusing on those things and essentially fall in love with him all over again, and I recommend that you reach out and touch him (at this point Pat pats Pat’s face, like he’s turned to some semen-covered page in that old baby book classic, Pat the Bunny), touch his face. Touch his face! Hold his hand. Look into his eyes. Talk to him…”

Okay, sure, that makes perfect sense. Maybe the wife could ask, “How was the sex after the ball game honey?” No idea whether Robertson might approve if the wife gave icy emphasis to the words “ball game” in that sentence.

“But…you’re praying, Oh God, keep me not to hate him for what he did when he was with that stripper in the hotel room ten years ago, and that, ‘I’ll never forgive him,’ kind of thing. Please help me.” Pat advises that the wife stop focusing on what makes her mad—like, my damn husband is a cheating bastard—and focus on the good.

“He must have some good points,” he continues, “or you wouldn’t have married him. So, give him honor, instead of trying to worry about it…but recognize, like it or not, that males have a tendency to wander a little bit. What you want to do is make a home so wonderful that he doesn’t want to wander.”

At that point, Pat starts rambling on about internet pornography and salacious magazines (which I don’t remember being mentioned in the Bible as excuses for breaking any of the Ten Commandments).

“Any way you turn around there’s some solicitation to the senses to entice a man. And so what you have to do is say, ‘My husband was captured and I want to get him free.’ But reach out and think of the good stuff, then begin to thank God that you have a marriage that is together and that you live in America and that good things are happening…”

To this, let us all say, “Amen!”

So! Your husband is cheating? The Pittsburgh Pirates have a winning record as of today! The stock market is up over 15,000! New unemployment claims were at their lowest levels since October 2007, last week. The federal deficit is shrinking faster than experts predicted…

(No, wait, don’t think about that. It might mean President Obama isn’t the monster Robertson likes to pretend.)

What the heck! Pat has said stupid crap before. So maybe we should cut the doddering old codger some slack. He thinks gays can change their sexual orientation the way murderers and rapists and thieves can change their evil ways. He doesn’t want Israel to agree to territorial concessions with the Palestinians because to do so will call down the wrath of God. He told a distraught husband who couldn’t command his wife’s respect that he should become a Muslim and then he could beat her. He says we could have stopped killer hurricanes if we prayed more. He said Romney was going to win the 2012 election and a second term in 2016.

He said God told him.

So many classic comments to choose from! Remember why 9/11 happened? Robertson warned that “God is lifting His protection” from America because we had too much internet porno and there was “rampant secularism” and a U. S. Supreme Court that had kicked The Almighty out of schools. Really, I’m not sure what Bible this guy is using. Your wife has Alzheimer’s? Well, that means in a way she’s already dead. So you can divorce her and start all over again. (Isn’t that in Leviticus?) God told him that in the second half of 2007 there would be mass killings in several U.S. cities as a result of terrorist attacks. Okay, and how about his statement that “Islam is not a religion,” surprising more than a billion readers of the Koran?

Why should we be surprised that Reverend Robertson would urge the aggrieved wife to be so wonderfully forgiving? He’s never been much of a fan of feminism—which, among other things—helped bring on the attacks on 9/11. Back in 1992, for example, he helped block an equal rights amendment to the Iowa Constitution on the grounds that feminism was “a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.”

So, if corporate earnings are at their highest levels ever – and they are – then I am moving to Canada because,  clearly, we are about to get hit by a plague of lesbian witches.

Here’s the video:

Viall normally writes about education issues at