This is not the Onion, even if the line between what’s satire and what’s actual news are now more blurred than the face of a defendant testifying against a serial killer. If you’re a totally misguided, socially backwards sh*tkicker in the market for a poorly built death ray, constructed by a member of an obsolete group of racists (and who isn’t these days), Klansman Glen Crawford is your guy. But if you’re black, Latino, gay; have more than a GED, all of your original teeth to match, and prefer purchasing your food from a supermarket chain or restaurant over dining over a bloody cadaver with Ted Nugent on the side of a dirt road, then you should consult the Yellow Pages for a less racist builder of death rays.
In what can only be the plot to an episode of South Park or Family Guy, self-proclaimed Ku Klux Klansman and right-wing nut job, Glen Crawford, was recently accused of building a deadly radiation-emitting device, with intentions of using it on Democratic NY Governor Andrew Cuomo. Crawford, an industrial mechanic at GE in the day and builder of mobile death rays at night (really burning that midnight crosses oil), reportedly was planning on using it on a Muslim organization, a political party, or “a political figure.” Although his motives are still not clear, Cuomo did bring up several cases against the KKK regarding housing during his time as U.S. Housing Secretary under President Clinton. However, there exists no information indicating that Crawford had any knowledge of Cuomo’s former work. But according to Times Union reporter Brendan Lyons:
“Crawford was among the hundreds of New Yorkers who signed up as plaintiffs in a lawsuit filed in March against Cuomo and the state Legislature challenging the constitutionality of the SAFE Act.”
Now, before you say we should start heavily regulating death rays, reps for Albany’s FBI stated there wasn’t really any risk poised, though they wouldn’t comment on the actual identity of the intended target.
“It was being closely monitored,” said Executive Assistant U.S. Attorney John Duncan. “No individual was ever at risk.” (NY Daily News)
Great! Now we can finally sleep at night knowing that the biggest threat to our security is still a transgender Mexican presidential candidate, not some lone loon with death-ray capabilities.
Look, Klansman Crawford: I get you’re disgruntled and feel wronged by a society that no longer blindly plays to your totally debunked and outdated notions. The practical thing to do here would be to ‘primary’ some moderate Republican, or even throw your name in the 2016 Republican presidential race. Or, do what every deluded and paranoid nut job with a distorted reality does: start up a petition for a death ray on the White House’s change.org website. You may recall the petition for a Death Star, which actually garnered a response by some barely paid schmuck at the White House after reaching the requisite 100,000 signatures. So basically what I’m saying is that there’s still hope for your death-ray, but you can’t just go around saying you’re going to use it on public officials all willy-nilly.