The Complete Idiot’s Guide To Speaking Republican (HUMOR)

Author: August 4, 2013 1:46 am
The Complete Idiot's Guide To Speaking Republican - spoof book cover by Elisabeth Parker

When their words don’t mean what you think they mean — which is most of the time — ‘The Complete Idiot’s To ’ comes in handy! Spoof ‘The Complete Idiot’s To ’ book cover by Elisabeth Parker for Addicting Info, with apologies to the “Complete Idiot’s Guide” series.

How can you fight back against the and their backward policies when nothing they say ever makes any sense whatsoever? When those right-wingers’ words never seem to mean what you think they mean — which is most of the time – ’The Complete Idiot’s To ’ sure comes in handy. After all, as the famous Chinese general, military strategist, and philosopher Sun Tzu wrote in his book, “The Art of War,” “So it is said that if you know your enemies and know yourself, you can win a hundred battles without a single loss.”

Rave Reviews For “The Complete Idiot’s To .”

Here are just a few of the many rave reviews for our “The Complete Idiot’s To .”

  • “This helpful to really comes in handy – I wish I’d read it back in 2008, because my whole term would’ve turned out differently.” – President Barack .
  • “Dang! No wonder I can never understand a word they’re saying!” – James Carville, Democratic strategist.
  • “Great book — hugely helpful. Now, when did you last take a Wall Street bank to trial?” – Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-MA).
  • “I’ve forged a career and company based on the idea that anyone can learn to speak any language … but until I read this to , nothing they said ever made any sense to me.” – Eugene Stoltzfus, linguist and Rosetta Stone founder.

Read for yourself to find out what those crazy Republicans are really saying the next time you hear one of their bizarre phrases on Fox News.

“The Complete Idiot’s To ” From A-Z.

- Numbers -

  • 9-11: Justification for torture and preemptive warfare abroad; and for domestic racial profiling and invasive security precautions at airports.
  • 420: Another step down the slippery slope of drug legalization from California, the land of fruits and nuts.

- A -

  • Abortion: Something far more im and tragic than the Death Penalty (see Death Penalty, Fetus, Pro-Life).
  • Affirmative Action: The soft bigotry of low expectations. Unfair hiring and college acceptance practices resulting from evil, government-sanctioned discrimination against white men.
  • : Liberal or centrist and federal judges whose decisions support civil rights, reproductive , consumer rights, and corporate accountability. The term does not apply to right-wing judges whose rulings undermine civil rights, reproductive , consumer rights, and corporate accountability.
  • American: Always the BEST (see Real American). When , keep in mind that “American” means the same thing as “great.”
  • : Children whelped out by pregnant illegal immigrants who sneak across the border in droves to steal citizenship and free medical care for their brown demon-spawn, who will grow up and vote Democratic.
  • : Anything that demands accountability, transparency, fair wages, consumer rights, worker rights, fairness in hiring or giving promotions, keeping our air and water clean, and other things that might cut into profits.
  • Ayn Rand: That’s “Ayn,” which rhymes with “mine.” When , you need to use lots of Ayn Rand quotes.

- B -

  • Bible: The Word of , who said all He wanted to say to a bunch of bearded misogynist warlords in flowing robes thousands of years ago, then sent His son to take it all back, and hasn’t been heard from since. Which is why we need right-wing zealots to tell us what really meant. For example, it’s still okay to hate s, but we don’t get to stone to death for being harlots … yet (see God, Jesus Christ)
  • Bible-Based: A belief system that makes selective use of biblical texts to deny climate change, evolution, marriage equality, and equality for .
  • : All government functions that go beyond invading other countries and putting people of color in prison.
  • Bigotry: (See Affirmative Action). Though of course, when , none of the bigoted things you say mean you’re racist.
  • Bipartisanship: Something that the evil Democrats refuse to practice while the threatens to shut down the US government or force through laws the American public does not want.
  • Black and Brown people: Second class citizens (see Gay People, God, Legal Immigrants, Native Americans, Real Americans, Women). When , you never use the words ‘black’ or ‘brown’ or any other non-white skin color. You use racial coding words like “welfare queen,” “,” and “crime.”
  • : Everything that’s good about the USA. Unlike “,” es are models of efficiency and cost-cutting due to decades of skimming billions off the top to enrich their top brass. (see Corporations).
  • : Anything that does not require accountability, transparency, fair wages, consumer rights, worker rights, fairness in hiring or giving promotions, keeping our air and water clean, and other things that might cut into profits. (see Anti-Business).

NOTE: When , Bible quotes are even better than Ayn Rand quotes.

- C -

  • : A backward country with no minimum wage, safety laws, clean air and water regulations, civil rights, or workers’ rights … which the US should start trying to be like as soon as we can. Not really Communist any more (see Business Friendly).
  • : to choose amongst various crappy options you can’t afford for healthcare, saving for retirement, housing, food, and more.
  • Christian: An adherent to a religion named after . Not to be confused with those who follow ’s teachings of love, tolerance, and caring for others, especially the poor (see God, Jesus Christ). When , always keep in mind that their is nothing like the real Jesus Christ.
  • Class Warfare: Working people asking for a living wage.
  • Climate Change: Global warming? What global warming? requires that you deny climate change exists.
  • : A catch-all term for anything that promotes tolerance, fairness, or social justice. When , this word has nothing to do with the actual theory or practice of .
  • Compassionate Conservatism: A term that makes a cruel and unfair philosophy — which keeps failing in practice — sound more palatable to people.
  • Confederate Flag: A symbol of ‘’ … um … at least ‘’ for some people. (see also, Freedom).
  • Corporations: They’re people, my friend (see Business, Free Markets), and like people, they shouldn’t have to pay taxes. Um … wait a minute.

NOTE: When , it’s good to talk about “” and “” a lot.

- D -

  • : Soulless bureaucrats who will deny treatment to Sarah Palin’s grandma, grandpa, and disabled child and send them out on an ice floe to die. (see Obamacare)
  • Death Penalty: Retroactive abortions performed after the 54th trimester, when a turns 18.
  • Death Tax: A grave injustice committed against heirs to wealthy es.
  • Deregulation: (See Business-Friendly, Free Markets, Privatize).
  • Discrimination: (See Affirmative Action).

NOTE: When , using the word “death” before something you don’t like is an easy way to make it sound like a bad thing. Except with the death penalty. The still hasn’t come up with a good way to rename the death penalty.

- E -

- F -

  • : tend to be liberally-biased things that are created by people who don’t watch Fox News (see Fox News). When , remember what Ronald Reagan said: “ are stupid things.”
  • : In keeping with the values held by the authoritarian, dysfunctional families that warped these right-wingers’ minds to begin with. Not to be confused with values that actually support families.
  • Initiatives: Church-based programs to help the poor, which are supposed to replace government-provided social programs … as long as recipients receive Jesus as their Savior, and as long as people keep on giving.
  • : Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid’s unconstitutional attempt to obstruct obstructionists from obstructing things.
  • : A cluster of cells that worshiped by right-wing Christians because they represent Life, and Life is sacred. Like cows in parts of India, a must be treated with reverence and never harmed nor killed. When , it helps to recall the place of honor the holds in their hearts. What happens after the is born, nobody knows. Or cares.
  • : A non-existent precipice over which we’ll tumble if we don’t enact tax cuts for the wealthy and brutal austerity measures for the poor and the middle class — i.e. the rest of us.
  • : A bunch of guys who dressed like people from the , and who loved Jesus and . When , you need to talk a lot about our . Never mind if you know nothing about what they said or did.
  • Fox News: Fair and balanced reporting sponsored by rich people who really care about the public good (see Facts, Liberal Bias, Reality-Based Community).
  • : The to carry guns, discriminate against s and people of color, pay workers slave wages, treat like chattel, and to bully people who aren’t like you.
  • Free Enterprise: (See Business-Friendly)
  • to : to force Christianity on others with U.S. taxpayers’ dollars.
  • : Socialized risk, privatized profits. Because Republicans love to steal from the poor and give to the rich. (see Business, Freedom)

NOTE: When , it pays to talk about “” and “” a lot. It means nothing, but gives you lots of street cred.

- G -

NOTE: When , the word “government” can only be uttered with contempt or disgust.

- H -

- I -

NOTE: When , Islam always has something to do with s.

- J -

  • : The son of , who sacrificed Himself for mankind in a brutal and drawn-out manner just to save the sorry, self-righteous, cheating, and hypocritical asses of jerks like Newt Gingrich and Mark Sanford (see Christians, God). When , you’ll need to mention your Savior a lot.
  • Job: Something people whining about unemployment need to go out and get, whether or not any actually exist.
  • Job Creators: The 1% who stash money in off-shore tax havens instead of making investments that create jobs.
  • Job Killing: Holding es accountable, taxing wealthy people at the rate everyone else pays on their earnings.

- K -

  • K-Street: Where disgraced politicians eventually go to make a living.
  • Keystone Pipeline: Energy independence and jobs. Well, okay, so we won’t actually be using any of that oil and there won’t really be any jobs either … unless crappy contract jobs for cleaning up oil spills counts as “jobs.”

- L -

NOTE: When , whining about “liberal bias” from the “lamestream media” is de rigeur (an elitist French word for “required).

- M -

NOTE: When , the word “” doesn’t have anything to do with being .

- N -

- O -

- P -

NOTE: When , you’ll need to sound pro- lots of things you think are evil, or else they’ll pick up on the fact that you’re not a native speaker.

- Q -

- R -

  • Racism: Treating white people unfairly. (See Affirmative Action).
  • Rape: The only way intended for unmarried to have sex. When , you’ve got to talk about rape a lot.
  • Rape Kit: “Cleans you out” so you won’t get pregnant or diseased after being raped, according to Texas Rep. Jodie Laubenberg.
  • Rape Victim: She asked for it (see Trayvon Martin).
  • Rapture: An event preceding the end-times when all believers are bodily taken from earth into heaven by , before the Armageddon devours us in flames. Seriously, I’m not making this up.
  • : White, native English-speaking, non-, and not some dam liberal hippie.
  • -Based Community: A frame of mind lived in by less Liberals (see Liberal Bias, Facts).
  • Reform: Rolling back reforms. When , words often mean the opposite of what they sound like.
  • Right to Work: The right to work for low pay and no benefits, and to get fired or discriminated against at your employer’s whim.
  • Religious : The right to worship Jesus and force others to worship Jesus (see Christian, God, Jesus Christ).
  • RINO: Acronym for “Republican In Name Only” – meaning a , non- person who deserves to be kicked out of the .

- S -

  • School : Vouchers for bible-based schools or home-schooling. Or the to choose between crumbling schools starved for funds, crappy for-profit charter schools, or private schools (or good schools in wealthy districts) you can’t afford (see Choice).
  • Stars and Bars: (See Confederate Flag)
  • School : Undermining public schools with vouchers for Bible-based education (See Bible-Based).
  • Second Amendment Rights: The total whack-job’s constitutional right to carry assault rifles and stockpile weapons in their underground, barbed wire-covered bunkers (See “National Rifle Association”).
  • Snowden, Edward: (See Edward Snowden)
  • Socialist: Anything to the left of Rush Limbaugh (see Communism)
  • Stand Your Ground: The right to shoot anyone on sight who seems like a threat (see George Zimmerman Real American, Trayvon Martin).
  • s’ Rights: The right of governors to deny civil rights, unemployment insurance, and health coverage to their citizens (See Freedom).

NOTE: When , remember that “s’ Rights” thing is about giving s the right to deny equal rights to its citizens, even when the US government passes laws that demand they do so.

- T -

- U -

- V -

NOTE: People fluent in always speak highly of voter ID laws, the tougher, the better.

- W -

- X -

  • : An apt description for many right-wingers, don’t you think?

- Y -

- Z -

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