The Complete Idiot’s Guide To Speaking Republican (HUMOR)

The Complete Idiot's Guide To Speaking Republican - spoof book cover by Elisabeth Parker

When their words don’t mean what you think they mean — which is most of the time — ‘The Complete Idiot’s Guide To Speaking Republican’ comes in handy! Spoof ‘The Complete Idiot’s Guide To Speaking Republican’ book cover by Elisabeth Parker for Addicting Info, with apologies to the “Complete Idiot’s Guide” series.

How can you fight back against the GOP and their backward policies when nothing they say ever makes any sense whatsoever? When those right-wingers’ words never seem to mean what you think they mean — which is most of the time — ‘The Complete Idiot’s Guide To Speaking Republican’ sure comes in handy. After all, as the famous Chinese general, military strategist, and philosopher Sun Tzu wrote in his book, “The Art of War,” “So it is said that if you know your enemies and know yourself, you can win a hundred battles without a single loss.”

Rave Reviews For “The Complete Idiot’s Guide To Speaking Republican.”

Here are just a few of the many rave reviews for our “The Complete Idiot’s Guide To Speaking Republican.”

  • “This helpful guide to speaking Republican really comes in handy – I wish I’d read it back in 2008, because my whole term would’ve turned out differently.” — President Barack Obama.
  • “Dang! No wonder I can never understand a word they’re saying!” — James Carville, Democratic strategist.
  • “Great book — hugely helpful. Now, when did you last take a Wall Street bank to trial?” — Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-MA).
  • “I’ve forged a career and company based on the idea that anyone can learn to speak any language … but until I read this guide to speaking Republican, nothing they said ever made any sense to me.” — Eugene Stoltzfus, linguist and Rosetta Stone founder.

Read for yourself to find out what those crazy Republicans are really saying the next time you hear one of their bizarre phrases on Fox News.

“The Complete Idiot’s Guide To Speaking Republican” From A-Z.

– Numbers –

  • 9-11: Justification for torture and preemptive warfare abroad; and for domestic racial profiling and invasive security precautions at airports.
  • 420: Another step down the slippery slope of drug legalization from California, the land of fruits and nuts.

A –

  • Abortion: Something far more immoral and tragic than the Death Penalty (see Death Penalty, Fetus, Pro-Life).
  • Affirmative Action: The soft bigotry of low expectations. Unfair hiring and college acceptance practices resulting from evil, government-sanctioned discrimination against white men.
  • Activist Judges: Liberal or centrist state and federal judges whose decisions support civil rights, reproductive choice, consumer rights, and corporate accountability. The term does not apply to right-wing judges whose rulings undermine civil rights, reproductive choice, consumer rights, and corporate accountability.
  • American: Always the BEST (see Real American). When speaking Republican, keep in mind that “American” means the same thing as “great.”
  • Anchor Babies: Children whelped out by pregnant illegal immigrants who sneak across the border in droves to steal citizenship and free medical care for their brown demon-spawn, who will grow up and vote Democratic.
  • Anti-Business: Anything that demands accountability, transparency, fair wages, consumer rights, worker rights, fairness in hiring or giving promotions, keeping our air and water clean, and other things that might cut into profits.
  • Ayn Rand: That’s “Ayn,” which rhymes with “mine.” When speaking Republican, you need to use lots of Ayn Rand quotes.

B –

  • Bible: The Word of God, who said all He wanted to say to a bunch of bearded misogynist warlords in flowing robes thousands of years ago, then sent His son Jesus Christ to take it all back, and hasn’t been heard from since. Which is why we need right-wing zealots to tell us what God really meant. For example, it’s still okay to hate gays, but we don’t get to stone women to death for being harlots … yet (see God, Jesus Christ)
  • Bible-Based: A belief system that makes selective use of biblical texts to deny climate change, evolution, marriage equality, and equality for women.
  • Big Government: All government functions that go beyond invading other countries and putting people of color in prison.
  • Bigotry: (See Affirmative Action). Though of course, when speaking Republican, none of the bigoted things you say mean you’re racist.
  • Bipartisanship: Something that the evil Democrats refuse to practice while the GOP threatens to shut down the US government or force through laws the American public does not want.
  • Black and Brown people: Second class citizens (see Gay People, God, Legal Immigrants, Native Americans, Real Americans, Women). When speaking Republican, you never use the words ‘black’ or ‘brown’ or any other non-white skin color. You use racial coding words like “welfare queen,” “Muslim,” and “crime.”
  • Business: Everything that’s good about the USA. Unlike “Big Government,” businesses are models of efficiency and cost-cutting due to decades of skimming billions off the top to enrich their top brass. (see Corporations).
  • Business-Friendly: Anything that does not require accountability, transparency, fair wages, consumer rights, worker rights, fairness in hiring or giving promotions, keeping our air and water clean, and other things that might cut into profits. (see Anti-Business).

NOTE: When speaking Republican, Bible quotes are even better than Ayn Rand quotes.

C –

  • China: A backward country with no minimum wage, safety laws, clean air and water regulations, civil rights, or workers’ rights … which the US should start trying to be like as soon as we can. Not really Communist any more (see Business Friendly).
  • Choice: Freedom to choose amongst various crappy options you can’t afford for healthcare, saving for retirement, housing, food, and more.
  • Christian: An adherent to a religion named after Jesus Christ. Not to be confused with those who follow Jesus Christ’s teachings of love, tolerance, and caring for others, especially the poor (see God, Jesus Christ). When speaking Republican, always keep in mind that their Jesus Christ is nothing like the real Jesus Christ.
  • Class Warfare: Working people asking for a living wage.
  • Climate Change: Global warming? What global warming? Speaking Republican requires that you deny climate change exists.
  • Communism: A catch-all term for anything that promotes tolerance, fairness, or social justice. When speaking Republican, this word has nothing to do with the actual theory or practice of communism.
  • Compassionate Conservatism: A term that makes a cruel and unfair philosophy — which keeps failing in practice — sound more palatable to people.
  • Confederate Flag: A symbol of ‘Freedom’ … um … at least ‘freedom’ for some people. (see also, Freedom).
  • Corporations: They’re people, my friend (see Business, Free Markets), and like people, they shouldn’t have to pay taxes. Um … wait a minute.

NOTE: When speaking Republican, it’s good to talk about “choice” and “freedom” a lot.

D –

  • Death Panels: Soulless bureaucrats who will deny treatment to Sarah Palin’s grandma, grandpa, and disabled child and send them out on an ice floe to die. (see Obamacare)
  • Death Penalty: Retroactive abortions performed after the 54th trimester, when a fetus turns 18.
  • Death Tax: A grave injustice committed against heirs to wealthy estates.
  • Deregulation: (See Business-Friendly, Free Markets, Privatize).
  • Discrimination: (See Affirmative Action).

NOTE: When speaking Republican, using the word “death” before something you don’t like is an easy way to make it sound like a bad thing. Except with the death penalty. The GOP still hasn’t come up with a good way to rename the death penalty.

E –

  • Edward Snowden: A communist traitor (see Communist, National Security, Traitor). Many liberals also see Edward Snowden as a traitor, just not a communist traitor.
  • Efficient: The opposite of Big Government (see Business, Business-Friendly, Free Markets, Privatize).
  • Elitist: Reads above an eighth grade level. When speaking Republican, remember that all people who read above an eight grade level are members of the elite.
  • Energy Exploration: Drilling for oil or mining coal in wildlife reserves and national parks.
  • Enhanced Interrogation: Because we all know how people provide useful and accurate information when tortured. But “torture” sounds so nasty.
  • Entitlements: Stuff you aren’t entitled to, even though you pay for them through taxes and other contributions: Like social security and other earned benefits, food, housing, education, healthcare, and other ridiculous luxuries taken for granted in all the other modern and wealthy — and some not-so-wealthy — nations (see Pensions).
  • Europe: (See Communism). When speaking Republican, Europe is just another place that is un-American.
  • Ex-Gay: A reformed gay person with same-sex “urges” who prayed their gay away … because, of course, being gay is a perverse lifestyle choice (see Gay People). When speaking Republican, remember that there’s nothing good about being gay.

F –

  • Facts: Facts tend to be liberally-biased things that are created by people who don’t watch Fox News (see Fox News). When speaking Republican, remember what Ronald Reagan said: “Facts are stupid things.”
  • Family Values: In keeping with the values held by the authoritarian, dysfunctional families that warped these right-wingers’ minds to begin with. Not to be confused with values that actually support families.
  • Faith-Based Initiatives: Church-based programs to help the poor, which are supposed to replace government-provided social programs … as long as recipients receive Jesus as their Savior, and as long as people keep on giving.
  • Filibuster Reform: Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid’s unconstitutional attempt to obstruct obstructionists from obstructing things.
  • Fetus: A cluster of cells that worshiped by right-wing Christians because they represent Life, and Life is sacred. Like cows in parts of India, a fetus must be treated with reverence and never harmed nor killed. When speaking Republican, it helps to recall the place of honor the Fetus holds in their hearts. What happens after the fetus is born, nobody knows. Or cares.
  • Fiscal Cliff: A non-existent precipice over which we’ll tumble if we don’t enact tax cuts for the wealthy and brutal austerity measures for the poor and the middle class — i.e. the rest of us.
  • Founding Fathers: A bunch of guys who dressed like people from the Tea Party, and who loved Jesus and Freedom. When speaking Republican, you need to talk a lot about our founding fathers. Never mind if you know nothing about what they said or did.
  • Fox News: Fair and balanced reporting sponsored by rich people who really care about the public good (see Facts, Liberal Bias, Reality-Based Community).
  • Freedom: The freedom to carry guns, discriminate against gays and people of color, pay workers slave wages, treat women like chattel, and to bully people who aren’t like you.
  • Free Enterprise: (See Business-Friendly)
  • Freedom to Pray: Freedom to force Christianity on others with U.S. taxpayers’ dollars.
  • Free Markets: Socialized risk, privatized profits. Because Republicans love to steal from the poor and give to the rich. (see Business, Freedom)

NOTE: When speaking Republican, it pays to talk about “family values” and “freedom” a lot. It means nothing, but gives you lots of street cred.

G –

  • Gay People: Second-class citizens who’ve made bad lifestyle choices and need to “pray away” their gay. As opposed to Real Americans (see Black and Brown PeopleGod, Legal Immigrants, Native AmericansWomen).
  • George Zimmerman: A Law-abiding citizen who became the victim of racist hate crime (see Trayvon Martin).
  • Gerrymander: Vote-rigging — something only the evil Democrats ever do (see Voter Fraud).
  • Global Warming: (See Climate Change)
  • God: A mean, woman-hating, harsh, war-mongering old white guy with flowing robes and unkempt facial hair who commands us to hate women, gays, people of color, non-Christians, the poor, and pretty much everyone else except for white men, boys, and fetuses (see Jesus Christ).
  • Government: (see Big Government).
  • Government Spending: Always bad, except when applied to prisons, and the military.

NOTE: When speaking Republican, the word “government” can only be uttered with contempt or disgust.

H –

I –

  • Illegal Immigrants: Brown, black, and other non-“white” people who live and work here in the US, but are expected to not exist except when some rich anglo needs someone to prune their hedges on the cheap. Even worse-off than second-class citizens like Black and Brown People, Gay People, God, Legal Immigrants, Native Americans, and Women (see Real Americans).
  • ILLERATE: How the folks at Westboro Baptist Church spell “illiterate.” When speaking Republican, you’ll need to misspell things or they’ll think you’re an elitist snob.
  • Immoral: The opposite of being a Real American (See Affirmative Action, Anti-Business).
  • Intelligent Design: Unintelligent design.
  • Islam: (See Terrorist).
  • Israel: A nation strongly bolstered by right-wing Christians, because the Rapture won’t happen until the Jews retake Jerusalem. After that, of course, Jews who don’t accept Jesus as their Savior will die horrible deaths and go to Hell. But we don’t need to tell them that.

NOTE: When speaking Republican, Islam always has something to do with terrorists.

J –

  • Jesus Christ: The son of God, who sacrificed Himself for mankind in a brutal and drawn-out manner just to save the sorry, self-righteous, cheating, and hypocritical asses of jerks like Newt Gingrich and Mark Sanford (see Christians, God). When speaking Republican, you’ll need to mention Jesus Christ your Savior a lot.
  • Job: Something people whining about unemployment need to go out and get, whether or not any actually exist.
  • Job Creators: The 1% who stash money in off-shore tax havens instead of making investments that create jobs.
  • Job Killing: Holding businesses accountable, taxing wealthy people at the rate everyone else pays on their earnings.

K –

  • K-Street: Where disgraced GOP politicians eventually go to make a living.
  • Keystone Pipeline: Energy independence and jobs. Well, okay, so we won’t actually be using any of that oil and there won’t really be any jobs either … unless crappy contract jobs for cleaning up oil spills counts as “jobs.”

L –

  • Lamestream Media: Anything that isn’t Fox News.
  • Legal Immigrants: Second-class citizens, especially if you’re Asian, Middle-Eastern, Latino, or Black. (see Black and Brown People, Gay People, God, Native Americans, Real Americans, Women).
  • Less Government: (See Business-Friendly, Free Markets, Privatize)
  • Liberal: Evil.
  • Liberal Bias: Most facts have this.
  • Liberty: (See Freedom).
  • Limousine Liberals: Wealthy socialists who think that just because they enjoy giving their money away to worthless moochers, everyone else should, too (see Elitists).
  • Looters: A term borrowed from “Atlas Shrugged” by Ayn Rand, to anyone who believes people have a right to fair wages, public services, and a social safety net. When speaking Republican, all left-wingers are looters.

NOTE: When speaking Republican, whining about “liberal bias” from the “lamestream media” is de rigeur (an elitist French word for “required).

M –

  • Mainstream Media: (See Lamestream Media).
  • Martin, Trayvon: (See Trayvon Martin).
  • Marxism: (See Communism).
  • Middle East (See Oil, Terrorists).
  • Military: Not really part of big government or government spending (see Big Government, Government Spending).
  • Mining: (See Healthy Forests).
  • Moderate: (See Liberal)
  • Moochers: (see Looters)
  • Moral: Cheating on spouses, embezzling cash, scamming supporters, abusing prescription drugs, and soliciting young boys for gay sex, as exemplified by the behavior of conservative leaders.
  • Muslim: People from countries that treat women as badly as right-wingers in the US wish they could treat women (see Terrorists).

NOTE: When speaking Republican, the word “moral” doesn’t have anything to do with being moral.

N –

  • National Interests: (See Oil).
  • National Rifle Association (NRA): America’s main defender of Americans’ non-existent “Second Amendment Rights” to bear arms assault rifles (see Founding Fathers, Freedom).
  • National Security: Justification for all evils committed domestically or abroad.
  • National Security Administration: Or, NSA. (See above).
  • Native Americans: Second-class citizens (see Black and Brown People, Gay People, God, Legal Immigrants, Real Americans, Women).
  • Nazis: Anyone who doesn’t agree with how right-wingers and the judges they’ve appointed to the US Supreme Court interpret the law. When speaking Republican, you can use the word “Nazi” a lot, except when it refers to real-life, modern-day neo-Nazis.

O –

  • Obama: Osama Bin Laden.
  • Obamacare: The camel’s nose under the tent for single-payer, socialized medicine, which — to Republicans — is a BAD thing (See Communism, Death Panels).
  • Oil: Must be extracted and protected regardless of environmental, financial, and human costs.
  • Oil Drilling: (See Healthy Forests).
  • Organic: Foods Real Americans don’t eat (see Communism, Elitist, Gay People, Liberal
  • Osama Bin Laden: (See Obama). When speaking Republican, Obama and Osama are the same thing.

P –

  • Pass: Something Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) and House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) won’t do to any laws, unless it prevents people from voting or having an abortion.
  • Pensions: Worker “entitlements” that they aren’t really entitled to — even though they paid for them — and which should hence be looted by Wall Street (see Entitlements). When speaking Republican, pensions need to be pronounced with the same disgust and contempt one uses with the word “government.” 
  • Personal Responsibility: A facile justification for not helping anyone, because when bad things happen to people, it’s their own fault.
  • Poor: (See Looters).
  • Poverty: A condition that conveniently provides a cheap and docile labor force, and which can also be blamed on the sufferers themselves.
  • Privatize: Hand public resources over to profiteers, who will supposedly manage them more efficiently while charging us exorbitant rates for accessing them. (See Business, Freedom, Free Markets).
  • Pro Life: Pro-Fetus. Once you’re born, you’re on your own (see Abortion, Death Penalty, Fetus).
  • Pro-Business: Anti-union, anti-environment, anti-living wage, and pro-unelected government.

NOTE: When speaking Republican, you’ll need to sound pro- lots of things you think are evil, or else they’ll pick up on the fact that you’re not a native speaker.

Q –

R –

  • Racism: Treating white people unfairly. (See Affirmative Action).
  • Rape: The only way God intended for unmarried women to have sex. When speaking Republican, you’ve got to talk about rape a lot.
  • Rape Kit: “Cleans you out” so you won’t get pregnant or diseased after being raped, according to Texas GOP State Rep. Jodie Laubenberg.
  • Rape Victim: She asked for it (see Trayvon Martin).
  • Rapture: An event preceding the end-times when all believers are bodily taken from earth into heaven by God, before the Armageddon devours us in flames. Seriously, I’m not making this up.
  • Real American: White, native English-speaking, non-gay, and not some goddam liberal hippie.
  • Reality-Based Community: A frame of mind lived in by Godless Liberals (see Liberal Bias, Facts).
  • Reform: Rolling back reforms. When speaking Republican, words often mean the opposite of what they sound like.
  • Right to Work: The right to work for low pay and no benefits, and to get fired or discriminated against at your employer’s whim.
  • Religious Freedom: The right to worship Jesus and force others to worship Jesus (see Christian, God, Jesus Christ).
  • RINO: Acronym for “Republican In Name Only” – meaning a moderate, non-Tea Party person who deserves to be kicked out of the GOP.

S –

  • School Choice: Vouchers for bible-based schools or home-schooling. Or the freedom to choose between crumbling schools starved for funds, crappy for-profit charter schools, or private schools (or good schools in wealthy districts) you can’t afford (see Choice).
  • Stars and Bars: (See Confederate Flag)
  • School Choice: Undermining public schools with vouchers for Bible-based education (See Bible-Based).
  • Second Amendment Rights: The total whack-job’s constitutional right to carry assault rifles and stockpile weapons in their underground, barbed wire-covered bunkers (See “National Rifle Association”).
  • Snowden, Edward: (See Edward Snowden)
  • Socialist: Anything to the left of Rush Limbaugh (see Communism)
  • Stand Your Ground: The right to shoot anyone on sight who seems like a threat (see George Zimmerman Real American, Trayvon Martin).
  • States’ Rights: The right of GOP state governors to deny civil rights, unemployment insurance, and health coverage to their citizens (See Freedom).

NOTE: When speaking Republican, remember that “States’ Rights” thing is about giving states the right to deny equal rights to its citizens, even when the US government passes laws that demand they do so.

T –

  • Tea Party: Nuts in fake colonial garb who think they’re a grassroots movement, but are actually funded by evil rich people like the Koch brothers (See Founding Fathers).
  • Terrorists: (See Muslim)
  • Tort Reform: Preventing people from seeking legal restitution and compensation for corporate abuses (but suing the US government is encouraged).
  • Traitor: Even worse than not being a real American (See Communism, Edward Snowden, Real American).
  • Trayvon Martin: He asked for it (see Rape Victim).

U –

  • Un-American: Urban, non-white, multicultural, progressive, non-Christian, gay-friendly, educated, and/or tolerant.
  • Unfair: (See Anti-Business, Affirmative Action). When speaking Republican, never use the word “unfair,” it makes you sound like an entitled whiner.

V –

  • Very Poor: “Lucky Duckies” who get everything handed to them on a silver platter; People former presidential candidate Mitt Romney was “not concerned about.”
  • Victimization: Calling out conservatives when they — or organizations they support — victimize people.
  • Voter Fraud: Voting for Democrats.
  • Voter ID: People should be required to have an ID in order to vote, because if you’re lame enough to not have any photo ID, then you’ll probably vote Democratic.

NOTE: People fluent in speaking Republican always speak highly of voter ID laws, the tougher, the better.

W –

  • War on Christmas: Honoring other (non-Christian) winter holidays besides Christmas through public art displays or calling out “happy holidays” instead of “merry Christmas.” Failure to do the latter can result in getting smacked around.
  • Welfare State: A horrible state of dependency that occurs when we have any social safety net provisions or public services whatsoever.
  • Welfare Queens: Tramps who keep having children out-of-wedlock so they can collect huge welfare checks to buy gas for their huge pink Cadillacs.
  • Whistle-Blower: Not a Real American (see Traitor).
  • Women: Second class citizens (see Black and Brown People, Gay People, GodLegal Immigrants, Native Americans, Real Americans).

X –

  • Xenophobic: An apt description for many right-wingers, don’t you think?

Y –

  • Yellow Journalism: Any news reporting that makes conservatives look bad. The opposite of Fox News‘ ‘fair and balanced’ reporting.

Z –