Tea Party Jesus

Tea Party Jesus.

Tea Party Jesus is the dimwitted illegitimate child of Republican Jesus and a roll of tinfoil from Ayn Rand’s kitchen cabinet. Tea Party Jesus photo collage by Elisabeth Parker for Addicting Info. With apologies to “Dogma” and Buddy Christ.

Perhaps you have already met my good friend Republican Jesus™? He’s that guy that Republicans claim is the loving son of God. The only problem is that he seems to hate pretty much everything and everyone except for his “chosen people.”

  • Are you not white? Republican Jesus™ hates you.
  • Are you a woman? Republican Jesus™ hates you.
  • Are you gay? Republican Jesus REALLY hates you. And so on.

We’ve all become pretty familiar with Republican Jesus™ over the last couple of decades. He’s the motivating force behind conservative politics. Or at least he was until Tea Party Jesus came along and told Republican Jesus™ he wasn’t Republican enough.

Who the hell is Tea Party Jesus?

Tea Party Jesus is the dimwitted illegitimate child of Republican Jesus™ and a roll of tinfoil from Ayn Rand’s kitchen cabinet. He was midwifed by the Koch brothers and Alex Jones. The whole affair was quite sordid and I’ll leave the icky details to your disturbed imagination. Suffice to say, Tea Party Jesus is a deep embarrassment to Republican Jesus™.

But how far from the tree did the apple fall?

Well, not too far at all it turns out. The problem is that the apple was rotten on the branch to begin with.

When he was first born, Tea Party Jesus swore on Republican Jesus™’ Conservative Bible that he didn’t care about social issues, just economic ones. Issues like being Taxed Enough Already and the tyranny of Obamacare.

But the strange thing about this is that taxes were already at a decades long low. Even more bizarre, the original Tea Party that Tea Party Jesus named himself after wasn’t protesting taxes at all. They were protesting a tax cut for the East India Company, a multinational corporation (or the Colonial equivalent) which was undermining local businesses. Further, the original Tea Party was upset about being taxed without having a say in politics. “Taxation Without Representation!” was the slogan. Last time I looked, Tea Party Jesus had the best representation that billions in corporate money can buy.

It appeared that Tea Party Jesus wasn’t very well educated about American history. Big Daddy Republican Jesus™ didn’t seem to mind, though. Tea Party Jesus was super excited about voting against Obama and that’s all Republican Jesus™ really cared about at the time. And, oh boy, did Tea Party Jesus vote against Obama! Republican Jesus™ was so proud of his little boy.

But there were warning signs that something was seriously wrong with Tea Party Jesus.

For instance, Tea Party Jesus couldn’t stop talking about Obama’s birth certificate. And he couldn’t stop making racist remarks about Obama, either. But Republican Jesus™ brushed this off as growing pains.

But it didn’t stop. And it got worse.

What does Tea Party Jesus believe in?

  • Tea Party Jesus believes that being taxed lower than he was in the 80’s is the same as being overburdened with taxes.
  • Tea Party Jesus believes that the financial crisis of 2008, brought on by Wall Street running amok, is proof that we need less government regulation.
  • Tea Party Jesus is absolutely positive that the deficit has gone up since Obama took office.
  • Tea Party Jesus knows, just knows,  that President Obama is a secret Muslim.
  • Tea Party Jesus believes that ACORN stole the 2008 election.
  • Tea Party Jesus also believes ACORN stole the 2012 election. They’re not entirely clear how that is possible since ACORN ceased to exist in 2010 but, darn it!, they believe!

This goes on for a while. But it doesn’t seem all that different from Republican Jesus™. Tea Party Jesus loves guns with the same kind of creepy sexual fetish. He loves the rich like a dog loves its abusive master. He loves the free market although he would be hard pressed to explain what it is. And Tea Party Jesus definitely loves the Constitution. Except, you know, for all the Amendments that aren’t #2.

So what’s so different?

Well, herein lies the problem. Republican Jesus™ is full of hate. It’s what he thrives on. But Republican Jesus™ doesn’t really hate any of the things he claims to hate. All that anti-gay, anti-black stuff is for the suckers at the voting booth. Republican Jesus™ knows that hate sells and it sells well. If his anti-this or anti-that rhetoric reaches the point of diminishing returns, Republican Jesus™ drops it like a hot potato. But not Tea Party Jesus.

Tea Party Jesus really does hate. He hates so much, he’s completely forgotten that he’s not supposed to say this stuff out loud. Republican Jesus™ figured out, decades ago, that open racism is bad for business. The same goes for openly treating women like whores and property. Even gay bashing is out of favor among the general public. But Tea Party Jesus doesn’t care. He just can’t keep his mouth shut. Worse, he’s proud of his hate!

  • Tea Party Jesus wants you to know how much he hates homosexuals. But don’t you call him a bigot!
  • Tea Party Jesus wants you to know how much he despises the poor.
  • Tea Party Jesus wants you to know how little he thinks of women’s rights.
  • Tea Party Jesus wants you to know he thinks rape isn’t really a crime.
  • Tea Party Jesus wants you to know how much he hates porch monkeys crackheads n*ggers black people. But don’t you call him a racist!
  • Tea Party Jesus wants you to know how much wetbacks drug mules dirty illegals Latinos disgust him. Still not a racist!
  • Tea Party Jesus wants you to know how much he sneers at the lazy young who only want the same affordable college and job opportunities and pensions and Social Security benefits that HE got. Tea Party Jesus EARNED all that good stuff by being born at the right time to the right family! Get your own!
  • Tea Party Jesus wants you to know how much he hates Muslims.
  • Tea Party Jesus wants you to know how much he loathes contraception in all its forms. If whores have sex, they should pay for it with disease and pregnancy. Just like the Conservative Bible says.
  • Tea Party Jesus wants you to know how much he hates the very idea of government and that’s why you should put him in charge of it.

Tea Party Jesus says these things in private, in public, on stage and in front of cameras. Over and over and over again. It’s like a form of Tourette’s except instead of cursing, he says what he’s really thinking. Loudly.

Republican Jesus™ has begged Tea Party Jesus to please sit down and shut the hell up but that won’t work. Tea Party Jesus lives in a special bubble. This bubble protects him from the outside world. The bubble is filled with glittering toys and soothing voices. All the voices tell Tea Party Jesus everything he wants to hear. “You’re the smartest boy in the room, Tea Party Jesus!” “Everyone loves you, Tea Party Jesus!” “You’re going to win the election in a landslide, Tea Party Jesus!”

And when the inevitable happens and reality bursts the bubble, Tea Party Jesus throws a temper tantrum. “It’s not MY fault!” Tea Party Jesus cries, “It’s Republican Jesus’™ fault! Bad Republican Jesus™! You’re just not conservative enough!”

Pity poor Republican Jesus™…but not really

It’s kind of sad watching Republican Jesus™ scramble to clean up the mess Tea Party Jesus keeps leaving behind. But honestly, he had it coming. He raised Tea Party Jesus to be blindly unthinking and rabidly angry. Tea Party Jesus thinks in absolutes and compromise is the dirtiest of words. He sees the world, literally, in terms of black and white. Specifically, White America versus that Black guy in the White House.

The real problem is that while Republican Jesus™ will eventually accept reality and move on, Tea Party Jesus can’t. To Tea Party Jesus, any deviation from his agenda is the Fall Of America. Marriage equality? Disaster! Healthcare reform? Tyranny! Closing a single tax loophole? ARMAGEDDON! Tea Party Jesus would rather burn “his” country to the ground rather then let “those” people have their way.

This is not how a functional democracy works but then again, according to Tea Party Jesus, that’s the whole point. Do it his way or scorched earth for everyone! We can only hope that Republican Jesus™ has the strength to drown his monstrous offspring before it’s too late. Otherwise, the villagers will have to get out the pitchforks and torches. Or maybe just vote them out of office in the next election…