‘Iran’ Sends Open Letter To Republicans Praising Them For Turning America Into Iran

As the fallout continues for the 47 Senate Republicans who sent a letter to Iran to wreck critical diplomatic negotiations with the Obama Administration, an open letter from “Iran” has popped up praising the GOP for all they have done to make America similar to the Islamic Republic.

The letter from “Iran,” posted by Slate and written by Will Saletan is a clever way to compare the Iranian leadership to the GOP. It begins by thanking Republicans for clarifying the role of Congress in authorizing international agreements before saying that it has inspired them to study our political system more closely so they can understand it better. What follows is the hilarious realization that Republicans have tried to mold America into a Christian form of Iran.

What we have learned has opened our eyes. For 35 years, we have treated you as an adversary. Our intelligence agencies told us that your culture and your political system were radically different from ours. We now understand that we were misled. Your country is much like ours. Indeed, your Republican Congress is much like our revolutionary Islamic councils. We are brothers.

The “Iranians” say that they understand that Congress is the true authority in America since President Obama will be gone in two years while most Republican members of the Senate will still be in office. The letter compares Iranian culture and government to the culture and government Republicans are trying to force upon the American people.

We were delighted to read this sentence. What you have described—a circle of overseers who work in perpetuity to restrain the president—is very familiar to us. Our president, like yours, is limited to two consecutive four-year terms. His powers are also severely circumscribed. He has a national security council, but he and his council do not establish our nation’s policies.

In our system, true power lies with the chamber that oversees the president. For you, this chamber is the Senate, controlled by your Republican caucus. For us, it is the Council of Guardians. Members of our council, like members of your Senate, serve six-year terms. The council may veto any legislation, which, in its judgment, violates our republic’s guiding body of law. For us, that body of law is Sharia.

“Iran” then professed admiration of Senator Ted Cruz and other Republicans who condemned homosexuality at CPAC while also calling for protecting religion.

Several of your senators spoke there about the abomination of homosexual marriage and the importance of protecting religion. Our assessment is that your senators interpret your Constitution in accordance with the Christian Bible, just as our council applies our Constitution in the light of the Holy Quran. We particularly enjoyed the speech of your senator from Texas, Ted Cruz, who called on your government to fight for Christians abroad. This is in agreement with our own policy of coming to the aid of faithful Muslims everywhere.

But Cruz isn’t the only GOP senator the “Iranians” admire. They also love Tom Cotton, who authored the letter to Iran, because “like many of our young militiamen, served in combat in Iraq and believes that he is an instrument of God.”

Subscribe to our Youtube Channel

“Iran” also appreciates the way the young freshman senator from Arkansas plowed ahead with his agenda without seeking advice from more experienced colleagues.

Some may consider him too young to assert dominion over your country’s foreign policy, at 37 years of age and with only two years of political experience. But we in Iran appreciate his vigor. He reminds us of the young men who seized your embassy here in 1979, two years after he was born. Those brave young revolutionaries did not wait for guidance from their elders.

The letter goes on to compare how Iran deals with education the same way Republicans are trying to deal with education here in America. Again, Ted Cruz and Texas is a major point of admiration. It also talks about how Republicans are rigging elections to take power from the people just like Iran does before concluding that the GOP is also like Iran when it comes to prayer, capital punishment, and soldiers in Iraq. It should be added that the letter left out women and women’s rights, another area Republicans and Iran have in common. Here is the rest of the letter in all its glory.

In Iran, all educational institutions are governed by our Cultural Revolution Council, which safeguards the faith of the people. We have been unable to locate such a council in your federal government. However, we recently learned that the state board of education in Sen. Cruz’s state, Texas, controls through its purchasing power the content of textbooks throughout your country. The board has used this power to limit the teaching of evolution and promote the celebration of your country as a Christian nation. Our cultural council protects Islam in the same way.

Our system, like yours, has its critics. Some portray our Council of Guardians as unelected ideologues who override the will of the people. The charge is absurd, as your own experience demonstrates. In your country’s three most recent elections, which together produced your Senate’s entire current membership, the other party’s nominees won 5 million more votes than yours did. Nevertheless, you control the chamber. The true will of the people, as you know, is to follow those of us who understand what is best.

Thank you once again for this enlightening exchange. Prompted by your letter, our council has decided to end the talks with your secretary of state and dismiss nuclear inspectors from our country. We look forward to working with you in the future on other matters of common interest, such as prayer, capital punishment, and troops in Iraq.

Sincerely,

Council of Guardians
The Islamic Republic of Iran

This letter is absolute genius. It’s too bad that Iran didn’t actually write it, but this is probably how it would have gone if they had. The letter is a fantastic device to demonstrate how Republicans have slowly transformed America into a place that Iranian hard-liners would recognize as similar to their own nation. Republicans should be ashamed. Americans should be horrified and embarrassed for not noticing this in the first place.

To read the letter in its entirety, visit Slate.