Not From The Onion: Fox Host Says Chick-Fil-A ‘Is The Official Chicken Of Jesus’ (VIDEO)

According to bloviating windbag and Fox News radio host Todd Starnes, Chick-Fil-A has officially been endorsed by Jesus Hussein Christ himself (There, is of course, no verification that Jesus’ middle name is Hussein, but we don’t know that it isn’t)!

Speaking at Abilene Baptist Church in Augusta, Georgia, Starnes told the congregation that it was wonderful to be back down South where it was easy to find Waffle House and Chick-Fil-A restaurants:

It’s always good to get back below the Mason-Dixon line because I have to tell you, one of the things they don’t have up in  New York City is sweet tea. We came out of the Augusta Airport and within a few moments we saw a Waffle House, and a Cracker Barrel, and of course a Chick-Fil-A, which is the Official Chicken of Jesus, according to the Baptist Faith & Message.

Starnes said that he’s “one of those people” President Obama was talking about when he referenced the extreme Right — a temperamental, racistcrazy, and stupid segment of American society that has spawned the likes of Dylann Roof, Jerad and Amanda Miller, and Donald Trump.

“You guys may remember this,” Starnes said as though he was introducing an Oldies favorite from 1939, “He talked about folks who cling to their guns and their religion — y’all remember that? — and he said that we were bitter Americans. Well, I got to thinkin’ about that, brothers and sisters, and I’m kind of proud to call myself a gun-totin’ chicken-eatin’ bible-clingin’ son-of-a-Baptist.”

“And I’m not bitter; I’m blessed,” Starnes said before complaining that he has a lot of vegetarians who live in his neighborhood, which he called “problematic.”

“I believe that the reason that God blessed America is because we know how to smoke a pork butt,” Starnes said, before whining about the recent Supreme Court ruling that granted same-sex couples across the nation equal marriage rights (It’s odd that “pork butt” caused him to think of man-on-man lovin’, though).

“There is a war on religious liberty!” Starnes explained, echoing pretty much anything said on Fox News, ever. “And this war is not targeting people of the Muslim faith or the Jewish faith or the Hindu faith. This war on religious liberty is targeting people of the Christian faith.” The Fox host, while plugging his book, warned that Christians “are on the verge of having our faith criminalized” — which would sound insane to any member of the congregation who possesses critical thinking skills above those of a toothpick.

Starnes recalled “an incident of twerking” with pop star Miley Cyrus “committing this act of public debauchery.” After blaming Cyrus for “twerking” being inserted into the “national lexicon,” Starnes boo-hooed about poor, persecuted Phil Robertson, who managed to disparage black people and the LGBT community in a single GQ interview:

“And it was about that time Phil Robertson, one of my heroes of the faith from Duck Dynasty, did an interview with GQ magazine, and in that interview, Phil Robertson defended traditional marriage. Miley Cyrus, celebrated for her act of debauchery, but Phil Robertson castigated for standing up for the Bible.”

After plugging his book again, Starnes said that he is a “Duck Dynasty Guy living in a Miley Cyrus world, and Washington D.C. is twerking on all of us.”

Starnes explained that “we are just a few short years away” from pastors finding themselves on the other side of the law as the government cracks down on the Christian faith. He added that the Supreme Court had “redefined marriage.”

“The Supreme Court may have redefined marriage, but God hasn’t redefined anything,” Starnes said to a chorus of ‘Amens’ from his audience.

“If you think the cultural purging of the Dukes of Hazzard had been breathtaking in recent days, wait until you see what they’re about to do to Christians,” Starnes prophesied. The Fox host complained that Sweet Cakes By Melissa ” was fined $135,000 for refusing to participate in a lesbian wedding,” though the owners were actually fined $135,000 for illegally refusing a lesbian couple service and bombarding said couple with harassment through the media. “That was the price they had to pay for standing in the faith.”

He further mewled about county clerks around the nation losing their jobs, facing lawsuits, or choosing to resign over their refusal to provide same-sex couples with marriage licenses. Starnes warned, without a shred of evidence, that pastors were going to face “hate crime charges” if they refused to perform a marriage ceremony for a same-sex couple.

“The time has come for all of us to stand together with one voice!” Starnes said. “They may demand to know the content of our prayers, they may try to shut down our bakeries, they may try to silence our voices, but we will not be silenced! We will not be intimidated!”

We asked Jesus if he actually sponsored Chick-Fil-A — prayed really hard about it in fact — but, in his ultimate wisdom, he has chosen not to respond. Fortunately, he has people like Starnes to speak for him.

Watch a clip of Starnes’ paranoid mess of an oration, below:


Featured Image via YouTube